dealing

it's funny how we deal with things, isn't it?

for example...we spend a year being scared for our husband's life. for what he is seeing. we cry for the men lost. for their families at home. we watch them on the news, with white knuckles and tears in our eyes. we see them in the papers...we hear about how they are in "death valley".

we go to eight memorial services over that year. each time, losing a little piece of our heart.we hear them call that soldier's name, and we know that that boy will never be able to answer back. we hear amazing grace and we wonder if that will be us standing there without a husband next time.

and then he was home.

and i treasured it. but felt guilty that so many weren't.

and then i pushed it in a little box in a back of my  heart and smiled.

didn't think much about that year i spent with the blinds always open in my living room. you see, i didn't want to be surprised when they pulled up and told me J was gone.

i wanted to be ready.

nothing prepared any of us for this year. nothing. not all of our previous deployments, not our strength or our faith. nothing could have prepared us for this.

but i put it in a box with a yellow bow on it. and pushed the box into the back of my  heart.

and then a couple of months ago, we had our very first FRG meeting here at fort benning. the commander started talking about casualty notifications, and protocol..

and i came the closest i'd ever come to a panic attack.

i had to make myself breathe. i had to count. pray.

and then i thought "where in the world did that come from???".

it was remnants of that year. they will be there for a long time.

i've allowed myself to slowly start looking at photos from that year.

 

 

 

 

 

all photos by adam ferguson.

and my heart broke in a million little pieces. and that box with the yellow bow came out of my heart, and opened up.

for what all of those guys did that year in the valley. they are the strongest men i will ever have the privilege of knowing. and for the ones that didn't make it home...my heart will mourn and remember them always.

i think we need to not grow numb and immune to things that are happening this very moment. this is going on every day. 

it's like life is a bubble. and if you don't have a loved one serving, it's hard to "get it". i know that. i know that it's a whole different way of life that is foreign to many people.i understand sometimes it's easier just not to think about certain things, especially things that don't really enter your inner circle...

but please

please pray for these guys/women and their families.

support them in any way you can.

don't just say "i support the troops"...do something to prove it. write a letter. send a package. say thank you to someone you see in uniform.

b/c what they go through, though it is "what they signed up for", is harder and more vivid than you could ever imagine.

even when they come home. especially when they come home.

as for me...i'm going to stop trying to forget that year, and start remembering it instead. it made me a better person, a better believer. and it happened. trying to forget it won't help.

sorry for the serious post, it was just something that was on my heart.

hope you all have a beautiful Tuesday. xo

Comments

[Jennifer]

Thank you for posting this. My husband is currently in Afghanistan. We are finally nearing the end and I am starting to breathe a tad easier.

[stacey fike]

love you steph! reblogged this!

[Melissa S]

Stephanie,
You often say the things that I have trouble putting into words. My Hubby is in the Air Force and we are preparing for another 6 month deployment. He was deployed Feb 09 - August 09 and now not even a year since he got back he'll leave again. We have two little girls too. Rhalynn will be 6 at the end of May and Clara will be 4 in August. I don't want to think about all the things tucked into my little box. Everyday it rattles and shakes but I can't let it out yet. I'm just holding on to the now.

[Jonnelle]

What a beautifully written post! Thank you for sharing, reminding and being so strong! :)

[Christine Ousley]

I think it is an amazing post. You have such a way with words. Thank you for sharing them. I am sincerely glad that your family is back together again. I am sincerely grateful that your husband and your family sacrificed so much for us, and I am glad of the reminder that there are others out there sacrificing still. God Bless them all.
xoxo, Christine

[Vivian]

Beautifully said, Stephanie.
Thanks goes to you too, for the sacrifices that you made at home while your husband served his country. Even though I am not a US citizen, I can appreciate his and your dedication to your country.
Thank - you again.

[beckysparkle@yahoo.com]

Hi Stephanie,
I am over here in Australia and I read every post straight from my email inbox, this post gave me goose bumps all over, what a year you must have had. The photos are really moving, and good on you for choosing to embrace the more difficult side of life and appreciating your husband. Thanks for your thoughs with such heartfelt honesty.
x Beckysparkle

[Steph H.]

Beautifully written, Steph. As a military brat, I lived that fear when my dad was overseas, but I don;t think even I "got" it. How can you as a small kid? That said, I know how real that fear was for my mom and for all the other moms in our quad.

It is so very easy to show we care, that we know what these men and women are giving up for us, and easy to show their families that we understand what a huge sacrifice they are making. Next time you're in line at a Starbuck's or fast food joint and you notice a serviceperson, or the family of a serviceperson, in line, say thanks and offer to buy them a drink. Or, better yet, do it anonymously. It could make all the difference to them that day...and for days to come.

[Erin B]

thank you for this post and those photos. A well needed reminder of what continues to go on abroad while the rest of us are safe and sound in our little bubbles at home. hug your soldier for me.

[Nikki M]

Thank you. There is so much more that I want to say after that post...but I will just leave it at "thank you." I understand what you mean about the blinds. Keep the faith and God bless you.

[Mel brewin]

Amen. Although my husband isn't in the forces we have family and friends in it. We thank God everyday for the sacrifice they make for our freedom!!! And we thankyou the families that support them. I only wish our governments would step up and give them the support, counselling and help when they get home!!! Thanks Steph for reminding us just how precious life is & that there are people being sacrificed eveyday for us to live as we do!! Praying for the serving men & women & their families at home!!! Much love Mel xx

[Katie W.]

Oh gosh. You brought back tears to my eyes and the pit of my stomach dropped and so quickly I was taken back to that feeling. That waiting.

Every time someone pulled up unexpectedly in my driveway and I heard their car, I would lose my breath. I kept my blinds open and my tv on CNN, all day and all night long. I would wake up to nurse Maddy and catch up on CNN and pray. I about drove myself crazy.

Last deployment was easier in that aspect because Derek was on the ship not land based. Now he's back to flying and there are times that he is flying that the hair stands up on the back of my neck. Especially if they land late. I get nervous sometimes.

Such is life of a military wife, right?

Thanks for sharing. Life has been crazy and I haven't had a chance to post a comment in a while, I'm lazy and just read the email version!

[Kellie Dugan]

Wow! Stephanie, your awesome! I do not have any family members in the army, but my mother worked at Ft. Benning (Civil Service) for almost 40 yrs. She would refer to the soldiers as "those babies". I loved it, it made them feel like family members. And you are right, it is a different world. My mother would always say she would never work out in the "real world". She loved it there.
I can't begin to understand what you and so many families out there go through, but I will forever pray for you all. Thank you J. for all you do and thank you Stephanie for being his rock.

[Sarah]

Oh Stephanie, my heart is breaking right now. For you and for all the men and women serving/waiting at home. While my husband isn't a soldier, my brother in law is a USAF pilot and we have had our hearts tender for him and you all for a long time. This weekend I visited a National Cemetery in SC, and I truly felt that I was on hallowed ground. The sacrifice felt overwhelming. I used to pray for you and the girls and J all the time while he was away. Please know that your family and the others serving are held in such high regard in our family and we are so thankful for men and women like you. We won't ever forget. Hugs, friend.

[katie squires]

thank-you for opening my eyes today :)

[Natalie]

This must have been very difficult to share. Thank you, though, for writing this post. I want to do more for the men and women who defend our freedom, and your post has reinforced that. Thank you.

[Valerie]

Thanks for the reminder of what our soldiers and their families are going through for us. Beautiful post.

[Lisa Young]

Your a awesome woman. Don't second guess what you want to talk about, it's your blog... And if it is on your heart to speak, then speak :) I too have a couple of close cousins serving and understand the worries and feelings. (not as bad as a spouce, but still worries on our minds) Thanks for the post, and may God be with you and your beautiful family always :)

[starla]

Thank you for being the humble servant and following what God had you do. In our "busy" lives we do forget and I am glad for the reminder - even though I had went through this myself with my husband. And thank you for the links because I want to do something so I don't forget... hold fast to God

[Joanne]

honestly...I don't think I EVER remember being so touched by a blog post...from anyone! That was straight from the heart and had me thinking about you and your family....and the soldiers and their families all day long. Thank you for sharing your deepest feelings - awesome!

[bluemoon]

I was blessed to get to know a soldier serving in Afghanistan and his family. It gave me so much understanding, and appreciation with pictures and emails overseas between us. Thank you for sharing. I cannot imagine the fear you must bear, or the courage it takes men like your dear husband and the other soldiers to do what they do, where they have to do it. I could never be that brave, this I know.

I did what I could, sending many boxes over, and some Christmas to share, along with written cards, plus blank cards for them to send to their loved ones...but it never felt nearly enough... just a taste of home for them, to know we have not forgotten them, NEVER EVER WOULD FORGET THEM.

My heart goes out to you, and your dear husband for your sacrifices. You are both amazing, and from reading all your posts, probably get much strength from each other and your love. hugs.xox

[Jill]

Stephanie...Thank you for writing. My cousin, an FBI agent, voluntarily went on a mission and is deployed for another months. Reading what your wrote makes me want to pray even harder for him and all of the many men and women that protect our great nation.

[Maryangella]

What a touching post! I have always asked myself how it is that you do it! My husband is a deputy and out on the road and I try to be strong for our girls and every night when he leaves I pray for his safety as well as all the men and women who are out there protecting us, wether it be a deputy, a fire fighter or a soldier and I always give thanks for their courage. This past November our daughters school put together care packages for the troops and our daughters had such a great time at Target buying anything and everything that was on the list of things our soldiers would need, they then made pretty cars to put in the package and then our 6 year old thought it would be a good idea to put pictures of themselves so that who ever got their boxes would know who they were. Here is the link so that you can see that cute "I love you card" she made them. I also want to say THANK you for the sacrifice you have to make in order for J to go out there and serve our country. God bless you all and may he always watch over you!

http://thescrappynessinme.blogspot.com/2009/11/i-have-pencil-lines-bug.html

[Debby Schuh]

Before I had a son in the Army I had no idea. Even though he hasn't gone overseas yet, I still can't look at pictures or listen to the news about the war. My faith is being challenged everyday. I'm so thankful that God is bigger than any challenge and sees the big picture. Thank you for sharing your heart and keeping it real!!

[Angie Parks]

All I can say is wow. You are a strong woman. That was a beautiful post. I cant imagine what you felt. My hubby was in the military also. he got out last year. We moved to ok. to have a better life for our daughter. he was about to go to iraq. I dont know what i would have done if he left. We do appriciate what they do for us. Thanks for sharing

[Donna]

Stephanie,

Your post gave me chills. Thanks for sharing your heart with us. My husband has twin girls and they're both in the Air Force. One just got back from Iraq and the other left in January. I'm scared, yet thankful for all our military people. God Bless them.

[steffogal1]

Thank you for opening your heart to us..
thank you for writing this post so that our hearts continue to pray for our warriors.
God Bless,
Steffogal1

[joanna rummel]

Thanks for sharing this!
I get it as you know.
I am in the beginning of my husband's deployment!
I for some reason have taken the other approach about cleaning. I figure if I don't scrub everything everyday they wont come. Maybe it is denial? I don't know!
But I do know God is in this! He is the author and finisher of this! He is here with me and am so thankful for that!!!!

[Lara Carson]

OMG, what a beautiful post! Thanks to your husband and the thousands like him who keep our country and families safe every day! God Bless them and all of you!

[amy lapi]

wow. my hurt hurts. for you, them, and everyone.

thank you, steph. thank you, j.

[Valerie]

I have been reading your blog everyday since... always! But this time I really wanted to stop and leave you a note to tell you how much I admire your courage as a couple, as a family, as a wife and as a woman. You are a wonderful person and a great artist.
Thanks to the 4-of-you to dedicate your life, time and energy to those conflicts, mostly politics. Keep the faith … maybe some day, your husband (and my godfather) will stay home!
Cheers,

[juls2000]

Stephanie, this was so very moving to me!! I most definitely will keep all the military families in my prayers. We are so very thankful for those that serve our country. Thank you for sharing this.

[Jules]

Thank you for such a heartfelt description of what it's like to be a military wife. As a UK navy wife awaiting my husband's deployment in just over 2 weeks, I know exactly where you're coming from. Thank you for reminding non-military families what our lives are like. Please everyone, support our troops, but don't forget the families waiting at home!

[Soldier Girl]

Stay strong .. hopefully it will all be over for us all.