six.

 

first, this was "us". two. fun. late nights, trips, dancing, eating out a lot, wrapped up in eachother and only eachother. kind of self- centered. messy. sleeping late, spending instead of saving, not a care in the world.

 

then, we became three. oh, was life different. we were TIRED! and confused. what in the world were we doing? why is the baby crying? what are we doing wrong? happy. hearts more full of love than we ever imagined. did i mention tired? content. doubting our parenting choices, but learning no one knows what to do and that you do what is best for your family.

we did well as three. thought we were good being three for quite a while. but the Lord had other plans.

plans with wild hair, a cleft in her chin, and a killer cry. plans that we never could have imagined. we became four. talk about having NO idea what we'd gotten into.

delirium. the worlds longest marathon nursing sessions (5-10 every night. me crying in the armchair with the boppy and a jug of water, sadie cluster feeding her little heart out). realizing we COULD love two. equally. but in different ways. so much that it hurt.

so much that it made us feel even MORE vulnerable. scared. but oh so very happy.

we knew we weren't complete as a family yet. but WHEN would we be ready? ever? are you ever ready to have another? i already had guilt and worries that i wasn't ENOUGH for them.

but the Lord, again, had plans.

we prayed. we asked for guidance. and we trusted. soon, we found out we would be five.

but we couldn't have known (actually at the moment of this photo, we had no idea) that we were actually going to be six.

i call these moments the "gentle reminders". the ones where God nudges you on the shoulder and says "you are not in charge". "i have bigger plans for you".

and oh, was this ever one of those moments.

i think about it lots lately.

when i am shampooing two pretty heads in the tub. when i am getting two grumpy girls ready for school. when i am trying to appease two maniacs on a road trip.

when jimmy comes home from a long trip, and two whirling dervishes fling themselves at him and he throws them both high in the air and loves on them.

i think...

four?

four girls? four wild heads of hair? four "MAMA LOOK"s??? eight hands needing to be held? four mouths needing to be wiped? eight feet needing shoes to put on them?

four hearts needing to be filled with the love, rapt attention, guidance they deserve?

four souls needing to hear "I SEE, SWEETIE! and that is AMAZING! GOOD JOB!!!" every time they ask me to look?

how?

how?

can i do this? can we do this? will we still have time for eachother? how tired will we be??

 

and then i hear this.

" you are not in charge. i have plans for you. bigger plans than you can imagine".

and i'm still.

and i trust. and i smile.

He whispers peace to my heart.

and it is well, it is well with my soul.

we are meant to be six.

And people may say "oh, your hands are FULL!"

but i'll say (just like a friend told me to say)

"oh, you should see my heart".

 

Comments

[lauren]

<3
yes, your heart is so very full.
thank you, steph, for sharing your joy and love with others.
*

[Jen]

very well put. you just gave me chills! :)
happy Wednesday! <3

[Tara]

Really beautiful Stephanie. You may need to re-read that a few months down the road from now to keep yourself sane on those nights that only mothers can relate to.
I cannot wait to see the next photo in this series :)

[Danielle_nl]

lovely said Stephanie. thanks for blogging. I enjoy reading it.

[Ginny C.]

Beautiful & very well said, Stephanie. God knows what he's doing when he gives us babies to love. There's always a reason. I'm sure you'll be exhausted(I can't imagine 4 little girls), but your heart will be so full of love.

[Joy]

geez girl...way to make me cry this morning. :)

And yes, yes, yes, and yes!

[Ann]

Where was the tear alert on this one? Beautiful! I love the last line. You are a poet.

[allison]

I was already teary, and then you hit me with that last line. beautiful. and very well put! SOB.

[Mary Jo]

This is such a beautiful, amazing post!
You have made so many mommas feel so much better this morning :0)
I love the line your friend gave you about your full heart, too!

[Tracy]

so very sweet and very well said. some days (or minutes, i have to break it down into minutes sometimes to survive!) being a mom can be so hard but there is never a time that it is not totally, completely worthwhile. you summed this up perfectly. you will do 6 perfectly, i just know it.

[Holly]

Beautiful........

[Christine Parker]

It is all good... and if anyone can do it.... it's you!

[Jen]

The last three lines had me bursting into happy tears...beautifully written.

[Beth]

You are so blessed Stephanie!!! I love my two boys more than words can say and there have been many times when I wish God had blessed us with two more!

God picked you to be Mother to these twins and he couldn't have chosen better!

[Jody]

"can I do this?"
absolutely, without a doubt, no one will do it better.
:)

[Mary Rogers]

love you Stephanie!

[Kristen Cox]

very well said steph!! as usual! =) can't wait to see 6!!!

[jacqueline yeo]

That is the sweetest!!! :) We too often forget that our offspring are not OURS, they are there not just for US, but that they are gifts, they are little reasons for being, for loving, for believing.

[Bree]

oh, that last line.... and it is so true of you :) You have such a huge heart!

[Jill]

Beautiful. Get this on a layout and framed on a wall. . .fast!

[Victoria]

Stephanie - You are such a beautiful writer. Truly, you have an amazing gift of taking what all us mothers feel in our hearts/minds and expressing it so perfectly. I have such a hard time writing down what I feel inside.

You are an amazing mother - perfectly imperfect. I cannot wait to see you raising all four girls. I know you will do a wonderful job.

May God's blessings be with you, J and the girls. ;) Have a great day!

Vicky

[Jenni Hufford]

i love this post. you are a beautiful girl and i can see the love of christ through your words and actions. xoxo

[shabby mama]

you keep making me cry ....in a good and blessed way.
love what your friend advised you to say.
blessings for a wonderful # 6!
(we are 6 too)

[amy]

oh Stephanie. how sweet.... you guys will be amazing, you already are, the Lord trusts you with that!

[Ki Kruk]

This post gave me goosebumps! If anyone can do this, it's the two of you!! God Bless.

[jen]

beautiful ... simply beautiful.

[Rkokes]

beautiful.

[Nisa Fiin]

um- that last line is THE BEST ANSWER EVER.
love.

[Kimber-Leigh]

sweet and touching words stephanie. i too love that last line. (and hear the "hands are full" comments all the time, with my 3.)

God is so very good. and His plan is SO very perfect. you will be a lovely family of six. :)

[C. Rayevich]

welling up here =))
You are so very blessed. I grew up in a family of 4 kids(2 girls 2 boys) and we are all sooo close.
xo

[Ruth Ann]

Its wonderful to read how you realize the blessings God has given you. Beautiful writing about beautiful feelings.

[Amanda Fuentes]

Beautiful post!

[Helen Tilbury]

I did a layout with that title...you should take a look...maybe I got the title from you...because I couldn't remember! You can see it here http://helentilbury.blogspot.com/2010/09/if-you-think-his-hands-are-full-you.html
We have 8 hands & 8 feet between our children too & it didn't seem that they would ever stop needing us but they are growing up, it is happening, and also cause for joy & sadness combined. Parenting four is a wonderful life.

[Meghann]

Yep, this just made me cry like a baby! We've been trying here for our first, and your post reminded me that I need to "let go & let God" do the work. Thanks Stephanie.

[Mary Ann]

Perfect answer to give.
Perfect life.
We're 6 too...although the ages a bit more spread out, but so worth it.

[abby]

What amazing words and insight. I'm just teary-eyed after reading that. So sweet, Stephanie. And I have to add, that your polka dot baby belly is one of the prettiest I've ever seen. :0)

[katie squires]

You amaze me every time I read your blog, you are real , and imperfect, and beautiful, and awesome, and you INSPIRE ME TO BE A BETTER person :) You ROCK!!!!

[Yeong Shong]

I like your post.....in fact I like all of your post, it's inspirational, not only in crafting but also in life...

[JenRay]

Beautiful! and so very real. Thank you.

[Alison P]

Oh my! So sweet and beautiful!

[Lauren]

While your whole story is incredible, that last line went straight to my heart! Congrats!

[Julie O.]

There is nothing quite like experiencing that kind of peace, is there? I love it that you are sharing your 'heart.' ; )

[Beth Ann]

Oh Stephanie...you make me teary-eyed. What an amazing family you have, and what an amazing woman you are. Thanks for sharing your full heart.

[Kim]

Your sentiment speaks for every Mom and Dad. Thank you for always opening your heart and speaking from it!!

[kim smart]

beautifully said stephanie! you are so blessed!

[katharina]

WOW!

I REALLY ADORE YOU FOR BEING T H I S PERSON!

And you will manage it! (;
I AM SURE!

There will be tough times, but...LOTS OF LOVE on the other hand! (;

[Debbie Lucero]

Beautiful post!

[Lonely Scrapbooker]

You are just so beautiful, inside and out.
Every time I see your posts in my reader I think to myself I'm not going to comment because she gets a ton of comments anyway but then I read it and I just have to say *something* because your posts are just so touching.

[gillian]

"you should see my heart"

That's beautiful. :)

g

[Dawn]

Beautiful post...how lucky those four little girls will be to have a wonderful mama like you...you are and will continue to be amazing...

[Stephanie Howell]

I read every single comment and they each mean the world to me. Xxo

Sent from my iPhone

[Holly H.]

Thank you Stephanie, I needed to hear this, "you are not in charge. i have plans for you. bigger plans than you can imagine" today. i'm struggling with lots of anxiety and uncertainty with the upcoming months. I will be moving my little family for the first time in my married life and sometimes it's all I can do to not break down. thank you for reminding me that God always has a plan for us. I hope you have a great day!

[Laura]

Great, great post, Stephanie. I had chills while reading the end. Blessings be on you all!!!!!!! :-)

[Christine Campbell]

my heart is full for you!!!!

[tara pakosta]

YOu are blessed, and don't let anyone ever try to tell you any different. hands full? yes, but exactly, so is your heart! so happy for yOU! tara

[Patti]

You are blessed!! God's going to knock your socks off, girl:) I remember when we were "3" ...and now we're "12"...and it just keeps getting better! Sooo happy for you, Stephanie. Can't wait to see those babies!!

[erin]

blessed you most certainly are:)

[Katherine]

That bought a tear to my eye - beautiful!

[Tanya K.]

What a perfect reply to "oh, your hands are full"...so very true!

[Amber Zimmerman]

So I know that you rock in scrapbooking, but have you ever tried writing?? Girl you are talented in so many ways! Teary eyed. I love that last line. When people tell me I have my hands full, I always say, "Better than empty!" :)

[Ilona]

so sweet stephanie! I remember those days of just the 2 of us, we were that for 9 years, now my daughter is turning 12 and I feel our marriage, our life didn't really begin until we had her (and my son). Love your last line, thanks for making my heart feel alittle fuller!

[Nicole]

awesome!!!

[Michelle Whitlow]

I have been feeling that a LOT lately...

[Tinka]

The last line says it all!

[Alina]

You have got to stop writing these kinds of things, you make me cry every time.

[Natalie]

LOVE IT!! and it will be perfect!

[Kathy Hoffman Floen]

Steph- Your post hit me right in the heart today! :) Thank you! :) Sometimes when we are dealing with the day to day of being moms and our babies' everythings we wonder how we can handle much more, but God does know what we can and can't handle and that does bring peace if we can remember to have faith. God bless you and your sweet, sweet family. :) ((HUGS))

[Elizabeth]

Beautiful!

[Janell]

My sister had twins, then a baby the next year and another one the year after that. We were walking through the zoo one day, and a woman said to her, "I'm glad it's you and not me", to which my sister replied, "me, too!" Took the lady by surprise!!

[Hannah]

Oh Stephanie, THANK YOU for that wonderful reminder that HE holds us, that HE is in control, and that because of that our hearts are full.

[Valerie]

what a lovely post! thanks for sharing.

[Fontaine]

beautiful, just beautiful. thank you for sharing your heart and your love for the Lord. it shines through in all you do, not the least of which, is (are?) your little girls. Can't wait to "meet" the newest Howell girls! Blessings to you all! --Fontaine

[Angie F]

LOVE it all! :)

[Jennifer Henson]

I always enjoy your posts, your words, your faith. Often you make my eyes teary-and remind me of my joy for our two daughters-but your "you should see my heart"... wow. Thank you for sharing! :)

[Misty Munn]

WOW...you are an absolutely AMAZING woman!!! I am a mom of four (2, 8, 10 & 12) and your post is EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. Yes, life with four kiddos (or even 3 since the parents are outnumbered) is a wild ride, but HE is always faithful and never waivering!!!

When we were surprised by the news of our little #4 coming into our lives, I was just sick at how people would respond..."Dont you know what causes that?" "Are you crazy?!?!" "How on earth are you going to afford FOUR children?!?!" I had to pray for Him to guide my mind and my tongue...I had to pray for strength to fight back the tears. He provided me with peace like only He can provide. So, when the questions came flying at me...I just said, "Yes, and I am so glad that He is in charge of my life b/c I would make a HUGE mess of things." or "No, Im not crazy...but faithful that He will see us through this as He brought us to this." and lastly..."I may not be able to buy them everything that they want, but I will provide them with the things that they NEED!"

Thank YOU for being my daily source of inspiration and motivation...you truly are AMAZING!!!

[Jennifer]

Oh, the tears are flowing. Love that response.

[Chris Dodaj]

This is one of my favorite post from you - EVER! You have a gift with words, my friend!

[Kirsten J]

Oh most excellent description of the metamorphosis - and then, some day, you count back down as they leave the nest, and then...you count back up as they have your grandbabies!!!

[Lara]

Amen!! Love that "you should see my heart"!! Got me all teary!! God Bless you and your beautiful family...all six of you!

[Tammy Graves]

You have such a way of putting your feelings into words that is so sweet and amazing! Thanks for allowing us into your heart! As I was catching up on your blog, was reading about your school concerns with your little girls...apply your current thoughts to that...that God has bigger plans for you guys to have these precious girls and now twins...maybe He is saying the same thing about homeschooling? Just saying...obedience to Him is so much bigger than our own plans...no judgements either way you decide, but don't forget that He has bigger plans for your family in ALL areas...mine too...even the education of our sweet, precious blessings! Prayers things go well in the plans for your housing! Blessings to your sweet family!

[Rachel]

You put your heart into words so well. I just wish I could do it half as well as you. Sometimes my feelings and emotions are so strong and when I write them down they're a big jumbled mess. You do it so well.

Prayers for your and your sweet family! Thanks for sharing on here the way that you do. It's nice to read this and to remind myself how much i have to be thankful for!!

[lisa young]

love this post :)

[Gracie]

Steph,
Thank you so much for your heartwarming posts and sharing yourself with so many.
It always adds that touch of happy to my day-even though i get all choked up, I feel better knowing you-even if it is online. :)

[Marti Richards]

Oh Stephanie! "You should see my heart." LOVE it! Such a beautiful post from a beautiful and blessed lady! :)

[Stacy A]

Stephanie, I don't know you personally, we've never met, but I read your blog and I just love you to pieces! You and your whole family. You have the most beautiful, precious heart!

Someone told me awhile back about a service somewhere (Amazon?) where, for a price of course, take your blog, print it out and make it into a book. You should SO do this! Your girls will love reading it when they get older.

Thank you for showing us all how awesome, amazing and IN CHARGE the Lord is! We need more people like you in the world.

Your sister in Christ,
Stacy Aannestad

[Kari D.]

That is exactly what I always say when people say "Boy you've got your hands full" when they see my nine kiddos! I guarantee that you can do it! I've got three sets of twins and I know this for a fact! Your heart will be more full than you ever imagined. Your hands will be too. You will be more tired than you ever imagined as well, but you'll be so, so happy. Life is very full when your hands and heart are so full of joy.

[Amy P.]

Your post brought tears to my eyes. My husband and I have been discussing adding to our family for over a year now and he wants a baby and I am content with our 2 little boys. We discuss this issue more than I can count and have become heated conversations at times. You have reminded me that I need to trust in God and let him handle this. He does have a plan for each of us and I know that I should trust Him. Thanks for reminding me!

[Cathy]

oh my sweet friend...you are a beautiful writer. Your words make me smile and I miss you so! You are a beautiful Soul. hug the girls for caffy :) Yourself too while you are at it.

me

[Linda E]

You have such a beautiful perspective on things!

[Nikki M]

Glad I read this this morning. Tears of joy. A new outlook on life. Somehow feeling a little more "refreshed". You have such an amazing way of turning the ordinary (if that's possible when talking about our own families) into extraordinary. God bless you, your 4 chicks, and your husband. Everyday.

[Sara Rossi]

What a beautiful, beautiful post!

[Krystal]

Oh, so sweet, and as we are trying to walk by faith on our journey, something I really, really needed to hear. Thanks for sharing.

[Mary]

You are an amazing woman Stephanie. I love your family..God bless you greatly. Lots of HUGS from India :-)

[Noelle Reese]

Wow Stephanie, you 'moved' me. Everyone knows I am a sap. I cry over Hallmark movies. I cry when my girls [10 years apart almost 3 and 13] are sweet to one another. I normally don't cry when someone I don't really know says their heart is full. I did tonight. What a fantastic post! I LOVE following your blog! You and yours make me happy and I can't wait to see S and H be sweet to the babies! I hope you are feeling as great as you look!

[Amy K]

Perfect response!!!
As always, love your posts and pictures of your beautiful family!
Blessings...

[Lisa Wilson]

Stephanie, this is beautiful! We all need to learn to listen and trust more! I know I do! Thanks for this post.

[Kathy Martin]

Wow, I thought I was pretty good at expressing myself! Ha! You have a way with words, quite a gift! What you are teaching me is to keep working at it...working at expressing myself and documenting our lives. Thank you!

[MilliD]

Scrapbook it, frame it, do something permanent with it, because this is a BEAUTIFUL post, beautifully written!!! ALL (hee) of your daughters will love reading that for the rest of their lives. You inspire me. You really do.

[Debby Schuh]

I love your perspective and the reminder to trust and be still. You need to write a book! :)

[kate sade]

beautifully said....