me, myself + i

 

i know i've talked about this before, but it's something i think about pretty regularly.

how when you are a mother, a wife...it's easy to lose yourself in those roles.

sometimes when i am asked about who i am, i say i'm a mother to four girls, i'm an army wife...and i am those things. of course i am those things! that is my daily life right now. but who am i?

independent of jimmy, independent of harper, sadie, cate and lucy. what makes me me?

these days i feel like i'm mostly mommy. i hold babies, change diapers, change clothes, settle arguments, soothe the tears, bathe, clean up spit up, answer a million questions, clean, do dishes, pick up dirty clothes, do laundry, go grocery shopping, read, organize,pay bills,open mail,vacuum, wipe down counters,hang up clothes,make beds

on repeat.

i had someone email me and tell me i wasn't in enough of the pictures on my blog. and that i should take more pictures with me in them so that one day it didn't seem that i had an iphone/camera for half of my face.

and i had to laugh. not because it hurt my feelings. because it's true. but it's just the way it is.

because there is no one here to take my photo! i don't have the time to set up photo shoots or get someone to come over and take photos. i have a husband that is gone more often than not...so this is my reality.

i'm always holding someone. someone is always attached to me, part of me.

 

if i went out to have cocktails with my single friends, or my friends without children, could i be witty anymore?

could i talk about something other than my girls?

if i could actually have a real conversation, one that isn't interrupted every few sentences, could i form a coherent thought?

do i still have a sense of humor that doesn't stoop to the level of a four year old?

i think so.

i think i remember who i am under the mommy and wife suit of armor.

i'm the girl who got kicked out of her high school math class repeatedly for talking too much.

i'm the girl with two different color eyes.

i'm the girl who was the high school mascot. nerd alert!

i'm the girl who was in musicals and plays, because she is a huge extrovert.

i love jeans.

and reading. i can devour a book in one night. or i used to be able to, at least.

i have a size 10 foot thanks to my feet growing with each pregnancy!

i love flea markets

i hate cilantro.

i love hip hop, even though it's not half as good as it used to be.

i snort when i laugh and i have a scar between my eyes from when a boy threw me over his shoulder in college...and then proceeded to drop me on the concrete. drink much?

i love wine

i hate broccoli

i cry at the drop of a hat

and embarass myself entirely too much.

i make friends easily but have a hard time finding people to form friendships with.

i grew up baptist, and have visited all types of protestant churches as we move all over the country.

i'm HORRIBLE at math.

i talk quickly, read quickly, craft quickly, do everything much too fast.

i have met jenna bush. she was lovely.

i used to win contests all the time. especially on the radio.

i talk to everyone. i make friends on airplanes, in the elevator.

i laugh a lot. if you are funny, you will win me over.

i am loyal.

i am still that girl.

but better. because i have four little people in my life who are making me more joyful, less cynical.

and one day, i will be me again without all the other stuff. and i'll miss it. i'll miss the mundane.

so i try to remember that as i trip over the toys and catch myself. because when i look up, i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. and i'm still that girl.

 

happy friday!

xxo

 

 

 

Comments

[Deb Wisker]

Beautifully said Steph! Lova ya!

[Ki Kruk]

Beautiful post Steph...you are such a beautiful soul.

[Jennifer Camplin]

I dislike try take pix myself.. gotta try it.

you are a amazing lady!! As always!!

[AmyJ]

oh you are so sweet, this is just the best post girl!

[Stephanie Eaken]

LOVE this post!! It is so true of every mother in the world. We do tend to "lose" ourselves as we take care of everyone else around us. And I too am guilty of not being in enough pictures, not b/c there's no one around to take it, but b/c I feel fat, or am not dressed up enough. And these days do pass so quickly! Thanks again for pouring your heart out! Love it!

[meghan]

Always amazed at your ability to write so perfectly about your feelings/life, thanks so much for sharing with us!

[nicole]

beautiful post. really beautiful.
I don't have kids so I don't have that kind of identity 'cris' yet, but i do feel a little lost with ME at times. I'm constantly asking myself who I really am, hoq can i be true to me, etc.

love this post!

[Jill E.]

i love it. and i think i would like to be your friend in real life because i love lots of those things too. except i love cilantro. but i think we could make it past that...

[MilliD]

Beautifully written, as always. Have a great weekend!

[Julia S]

Stephanie...it was a bit eerie how similar our lists are ...except for the broccoli part! ;-) Thanks for sharing and reminding us we're important...outside of our Mom and Wife roles... ;-)

[Sandy]

Well said. I admire your candor. As a grandmother, I'll tell you what all grandmothers say - enjoy these days because they're gone too soon. You give the impression that you're living in the moment, which is admirable - your girls will remember.

[Jenny A]

Beautiful post! How true it is!

[Vicki Boutin]

I hear ya, sister girl! But I love broccoli and cilantro, can we still be friends?

Love your posts. Makes me wish I could put my thoughts into words as well as you can.

Give Harper the camera...do it. It has worked for me.

[Laura]

LOVE IT! Thank you for the reminder that I am still my own person! Have an awesome day :)

[Ginny]

You are one of a kind - totally unique. I understand what you're saying, we tend to lose ourselves in the mundane. After attending a funeral recently, I told my husband to simply say She was a good mama & a wonderful gran & her family loved her deeply.

[Jenn C]

You hate cilantro!!!! I love that I learn so much about YOU from your posts.

I can make a mean guacamole that might change your mind about cilantro... it is a most wonderful herb. Is it spring yet... I need to grow a ton in my garden!

[marlene]

One would have thought you were describing me in that post, right down to scar between the eyes (I walked into an I-beam) and the snorting when laughing.
At the risk of sounding stalker-ish, I bet we'd be friends if we ever met because I also love having friendships, but find it hard to start them.
You're just in the mommy phase of life right now, 'that girl' will show herself to outside world again someday :)

[Tonya Dieterlen]

You will actually be you, plus all the good stuff the girls will bring out in you. It's a hard place to be in the throws of little ones. I remember people telling me to enjoy every moment. I decided that getting through it WAS enjoying every moment. My boys are teens now and it's harder but easier at the same time. The issues are much more weighty and the stakes get higher as they grow. Just remember to enjoy the now and live in the present.
blessings,
tonyad

[Kristin Kanner]

I hate cilantro, too. You'll get your groove back, give it time! You're terrific just the way you are:)

[Stacey]

Hi Stephanie! Great post. I do miss the days when my kids were babies (youngest is already 7 yrs. old). It's great that you enjoy this time so much. I did too! I wish it lasted longer - prolong the baby/toddler years and breeze through the teen years. What books would you recommend? I love to read! I remember a while back you mentioned "Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet" (I may have the title wrong). Did you like it? I would love to get book recommendations from you. Have a great day!

[joann]

I have a friend whose daughter-in-law is the mother of 4 little children. When her oldest was about 4, she taught the little girl to use a camera. This little girl is such a good photographer now (she is now 8) and I recently saw her at a family wedding taking photos with mom's old (but really good) Canon camera. So maybe you could teach Harper and then you could be in some photos too!

[Rebecca B.]

You forgot to include great writer on your list! Seriously some of your posts really make me look at myself and think. Which is a good thing! I am a mom to four boys and beyond that I have no idea who I am. Maybe it's time I figured that out. Thanks for this post!

P.S. You are right about rap, it's gone down hill. Oh how I miss the good old days of Snoop and Dre.

[Candy]

So sweet! :) For myself, with my boys leaving for college, I have to reinvent myself...I don't remember what life was like when I was working, except the late dinners at home were never anything to write home about. So back to work I go, if I can find a job....and missing the boys...really tough! Hang in there...I do know what you are going through...and there will be the highs and lows...we all are in this together.

[katharinehart@tiscali.co.uk]

love the post, nearly as much as i love the fact that you have size 10 foot, actually someone has bigger feet than me... size 8 love ya xxxx

[Lindsay Keen]

ahhh...I needed to read this today. I have been asking myself that same thing lately. I know "me" is still in there somewhere I just need to find her.
P.S.- there is nothing wrong with snorting when you laugh =)

[Pidgen]

I had to laugh at the "half your face is an iphone" comment! i too had that thought ... wondering if you have pictures without the phone. I think it's super cool that you HAVE pictures. I would love to have a million pictures of half my mom's face while she held me. I think it says something about the times. {Good things, like how many pictures we take and how accessable our phones are.}
Lovely post.

[jackie]

such a great post. you are a fabulous mom and wife! we can tell by reading your posts. and we can see the real you and we love you for that.

[tara pakosta]

beautiful soul you are...
I think you ought to hand the iphone over to the older girls for some pix with YOU in them! or maybe harper can be trusted with the "real" camera, or maybe not since you said she is a klutz, she might fall off the couch and do a flip and break it in the process LOL!!!! haaaa!
kidding!
but maybe you could schedule play dates with some friends and take pix for each other???? I sure wish I were there, I would be over all the time taking pix for YOU!
I LOVE to take photos, esp. of cute little girls!!!!
tara

[Jenni Hufford]

so beautiful, completely relate.

love your heart. xo

[Carollee]

You have a great heart and I am sure you are even more aazing then you lead us all to belive on your blog and I am even more convinced that you could tottally be my BFF. Thanks for sharing so much so honestly, even if some folks get a little miffed. Have a great day with all your girls!

[Berta]

Beautiful post!!! By the way, what colors are your eyes??

[Stephanie Howell]

one green/hazel, one gray!

[Vanessa]

you are the cutest. And I love this list, we are so similar. You are totally yourself, you are definitely funny online (Twitter especially) And of course I immediately think of you as a mother and wife, but I wouldnt introduce you to someone like that. Does that make sense? I know we have never met in real life but sometimes that doesn't matter. You are my friend Steph and I can tell that you are a great friend. I like you. I'd be happy to get a drink with you! And I being a total creeper? Haha I hope not, thankfully you at least follow me on twitter so you kinda know me too : ) GOOO Steph!

[Stephanie Howell]

You are so cute. I adore you!!!

Sent from my iPhone

[dani rousseau]

I know exactly what you're talking about. Because of my situatuion I've been forced to figure out who I am and who I want to be. I know I loved being a wife...I know I LOVE being a momma. But now in this new life I need to be mom and dad, I need to figure out things on my own, I need to figure out who I want to be....

[Stephanie Howell]

hugs, dani. xxo

[Kaila]

Great post, Steph! I love how you are always you - what a beautiful example you are setting for your daughters! And about the pictures - hand that camera over to Harper and Sadie (maybe not your SLR, but get them a point and shoot to use)!! You will get lots more pics with YOU in it and probably be surprised at how good they are! My 4 year old takes great pics!

[Sar W]

Goosebump alert!!! Love it.

[Abbeyviolet]

Beautiful. So true and lovely. Hugs to you lady!

[Carrielyn]

I've said it, I think, a million times: I love the way you put things.

Thanks for sharing! You made me think about *who* I am...

[Noelle]

Since I lost my job in January, my life has become very similar. So I can totally relate. But with the pictures...I got a nice camera for Christmas, so I'm spending some of my time taking pictures of my 8mth old daughter. I get lots of pics of her...and her with my husband...but the only few of me with her lately, are if I turn the camera around and try to take it of both of us. Really difficult. The thing is, my husband IS around in the evenings. We had this very discussion 2 days ago. I said "You got a fancy camera last May and you haven't taken ANY pictures of baby and me since I got my camera in December! How'm I supposed to scrapbook baby and ME, if you don't take any pictures of us?" Oi. Last night he had his camera out finally and was playing with it. So hopefully I'll get some pictures.

[Amy K]

I love this post Stephanie. What a wonderful glimpse inside your tender heart and soul. I would guess that most of us mamas can relate to this when our kiddos are small.
You look fantastic too! Hard to imagine you just had twins.

[Kim Boken]

Well Said!! As a mommy I, too feel the same way! And as an introvert I feel more alienated to my other self..

[Julie Williams]

Oh Stephanie, you are still that girl. This is the journey called life in which you will wear many titles as you travel through it. Your documentation of things will be such a treasure for you as you get older, kids leave home, get married, have children of their own. I once felt like you do, and wondered if that day would ever come, and when it does, it is different that you imagined it to be. Treasure today, make memories with your family, develop traditions that will enrich your lives and love to the fullest!!! TFS what you do with us!! Julie

[Keri]

Another great post, like the Mom/Women Competition one...just read a book that got me thinking about identity, that "do I really know who I am independent of those loved little ones that happily-yet-exhaustingly consume my daily life?" question.
I hope my answer is yes too, but I admit to panicking socially...wondering if I can be witty and laid-back and relaxed out on a date with DH or out with friends...wondering just a bit where "I" am inside.
Thanks so much for the consistently thought-provoking posts as well as the scrappy inspiration.

[Mary Ann]

Love this post. Sometimes I get that lost feeling but then I remember that I am still ME, just taking a side step and being a momma too, and that is the most important thing of all right now.

[Kathy]

Ahhhh Stephanie you are awesome. You have a lot going for you and I admire you so much. You may not think it but you have it together but who cares if the house isn't clean all the time, who cares if your in your jammies till noon, who cares if you can't shower every day. You have a beautiful family and spending time with them is what it is all about! Take care and I call you my friend! Love from OKC.

[Shannon]

You are wise beyond your years my dear! Time goes by so quickly! Some days it can be extremely hard. On those days, you just have to cut yourself some slack. You and I would be great friends! :)

[Linda E]

What a beautiful post, Stephanie. My kids are 12 and 15. Now my son's friends drive and my daughter is fin middle school. Needless to say, I look back on those days of someone always tugging at me with nostalgia. I just didn't realize I would when I was up to my neck in diapers an d happy meals. I hope you get some of these thoughts down on a layout. Thanks for sharing another piece of you with ll of us.

[Marti Richards]

THANK YOU!!! So needed to read this today!

[Fiona]

Great post. It's so important as you navigate your way through life that you don't get lost! Your girls need to see that you are a person as well as their Mama. As they get older make sure you take time out for yourself, that you do things you love because you are worth it. We are not made whole by anybody else, rather because we are strong and secure in ourselves and can then love those nearest and dearest to us. You are doing a fantastic job of being a mother and wife but that doesn't define you! Fi :-)

[Beth Moore]

this is one of the sweetest posts I've ever read... it just makes me wanna hug you!!! :-)

[Lonely Scrapbooker]

You have 2 different colour eyes?! How cool!
This warrants a scrapbook LO, methinks!

[bluemoon]

I think during different periods in life, we wax and wane through the different aspects of our selves and our lives and we are most what we need to be at that particular stage in life.

Thanks for the sweet post, my mom was always in mom mode, and she was the best mom in the world and she loved it. I think you are that wonderful type of mom too.

[A]

This made me tear up as I too, used to be that girl and I'm not sure if she has survived. You are lovely. Thank you

[Corey Brock]

I love wine, I talk way to fast (I'm from the south, what would you expect!) i talk to everyone, I cry too much, I love hip hop (and country and contemporary christian music!) :-) You probably get this a lot but I'm pretty sure we could be very good friends! Thank you for this post! I feel like sometime I do not know who I am anymore, but reading your post made me realize that is ok!

[Jenn]

I am not a mother yet, although becoming one is something I wish for daily. I think you capture a lot of daily moments in your photos. From your scrapbook pages, it seems you have some family photos, too. I wouldn't worry about the iPhone covering your face-that's the reality of right now and when you look back at the memories you have captured, you will probably be entertained by their imperfect, non-posed style.
You have a great character and that is what makes conversations over a glass of wine engaging, so when you are ready, you will be able to enjoy those moments again.

[Linda]

I love you.

You have to be the coolest person I know.

[Michelle]

I agree. I think you are the coolest, sweetest person. We are similar in some ways. Some of the same likes/dislikes. I can completely relate to what you are saying. I have been raising kids for almost 23 years, and still have 15 more to go before my youngest graduates from high school! I think I have forgotten or maybe never got a chance to find out who I am. I was 20 when my oldest was born. It would make a great scrapbook page!! No? There aren't any photos of me really either. Nobody here to take them. (besides the fact I am NOT photogenic at all! You would think at my age, I would be more comfortable in my skin)

[Goodman]

Wow, I was okay until your last few sentences. Then I teared up. I often wonder when I can be "me" again after motherhood took over. Trace Adkins has a song called "You're Gonna Miss This" and that always gets to me too.

[Angie F]

LOVE this post!! :) I just started back at work pt after being home for 8.5 years!! I am enjoying work and I am still able to drop off and pick up my girls from school. It is a blessing for all of us. I have wanted to work while the girls were little, but am so glad it worked out this way. I think I'll be a better Mom to them and we'll all be so happy to see each other at the end of our respective days. I have a hubby in grad school working on his PhD and he is gone more than he is home and he's *here*. I think about you all the time when J is not home with you.

Thanks so much for your blog! I feel like I can relate to something you write with every post! Thanks for all you share!

[Orla]

What an adorable blog. Do you know, you'd make a great writer, and you could add that to this list. "so i try to remember that as i trip over the toys and catch myself. because when i look up, i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. and i'm still that girl." This is such a fantastic piece of writing! Thank you for another delightful post. :)

[Sara Amuso]

Remember, if you feel "down" sometimes that you have lost yourself...there are many of us living through your blog right along side you because we want to know what's going on in your life -- whether it be related to being a mommy of four girls, an army wife, an awesome scrapbooker or just a beautiful person we wish WE were friends with! Steph, you ARE the coolest!

[PattiP]

What a wonderful post. I hope one day you can turn it into a scrapbook page. Motherhood has a way of taking over our lives. It's good to remember who you are underneath it all. Thanks for sharing. I'm going to have to do a similar list for myself.

[Karalynn]

Steph, you and I are SOOOO similar in so many ways. I feel I know you though we've never met and you may not even know I read your blog. So much you described in this post is so me! Busy mommy, bad at math, kicked out of class for talking too much, cries easily, loves reading, grew up Baptist/protestant, like wine (but am 32 weeks pregnant now so that's not a current option)... Other than my husband not being in the military and me teaching full time, I find so much about your posts that I can relate to.

[Stephanie Howell]

Its wonderful to see you Karalynn! Congratulations on your pregnancy!! xoxo

[Lara]

great post!!!! Love your realness as always!!

[Corry Whitteker]

Steph, you are such a beautiful writer. Thank you for putting your thoughts and feelings out in blog land for us all to read and enjoy.

[Linda Coleman]

Beautiful!

[Agnes c]

What a super sweet post always love reading your blog

[Jennifer Serrano]

I actually got tears in my eyes-beautiful post, just love it! I too try to remind myself in the mudane moments that I truely will miss the crazy clutter and choas of children! And to just enjoy it and not be so dang serious all the time! Thanks for the reminder!

[Mad]

i wanna be your friend! I think you're awesome. hey, as another mother of 4 though, let me say it's ok to be mummy/wife etc right here and now. I know what you're saying about who you are and that's important to maintain but you are doing the most important job in the world right now. And from what i see, you're doing it good!

[Rhonda]

This is a wonderful post. It sounds like you are exactly the girl you want to be...I pray every Mom is exactly who she wants to be too. :)

Rhonda
Mom to 3 boys and 1 angel; Lucky Wife; Blessed Teacher; Great Friend; Creative Scrapbooker; and so much more. :)