why is it

that women...well some women

feel the need to make everything into a competetion?

i really truly don't get it. is it to make others feel inadequate? is it to validate themselves?

if you were to see a struggling mama feeding a baby a bottle, why would you say "oh, i breastfed my babies exclusively until TWO. a bottle NEVER touched their lips".

i never know what to say to things like that.

"yay you?"

"congratulations!!!!!"

it's the strangest thing.

now don't get me wrong. not all women do this. but i certainly have met plenty who do.

and you know what?

how long you breastfed

or what your baby got on his APGAR

or how long you labored naturally, when i was a wimp who got that horrible epidural...

or when your baby started rolling, crawling, etc. and whether it happened before my baby did those things...

well that is about as important to me as what you got on your SATs in high school.

show me a loved baby, wrapped in adoration, loving arms, tenderness...that's what matters.

it's just the craziest phenomenon. one i never really noticed before harper was born, but why would i have noticed it? mommy competition syndrome wasn't even on my radar yet.

so take me out back and stone me. my babies drink out of bottles. i don't cook from scratch. sometimes my children ingest things that are not organic. i don't even KNOW how long the twins were when they were born.

your child might crawl, walk, talk before mine.

you might beat me in the nursing department.

i don't homeschool. though i applaud those who do, it is not for me. not right now.

i might carry my babies in the carriers sometimes instead of "wearing them".

they have barbies. and some of their toys are PLASTIC! they don't only have hand carved wooden, dye free blocks.

but my girls?
are loved. beyond all measure.

and that can't be beat.

sometimes it's not necessary to name all the ways you are a "better mom" than i am. sometimes it's nice to have some mama solidarity. when i see struggling new mommies? I tell them their babies are beautiful. or i tell them they are doing a great job.

or i offer to help.

then i tell them how SMART, perfect, and unsoiled by commercialism my children are. NARY A FRENCH FRY HAS EVER TOUCHED THEIR LIPS!

kidding. kidding.

oh, and for the record...this post is tongue in cheek (no mullets though!!!). so hopefully you'll appreciate my sense of humor and know that i'm speaking of the "universal YOU".

mamas UNITE!

i don't think it's anyone's business (except for your children, husband, etc) how you love your children best. i feel like women feel the need to preface "hello" with if they breastfeed or not. guess what? i don't really need to know! i just want to be your friend. :)

have a beautiful, blessed tuesday.

xoxo

s

 

 

 

Comments

[Elizabeth]

I hear ya Stephanie! My baby also drinks from a bottle only, but it's breastmilk..but when I am out in public..I dare a woman to make a comment to me about it..However..if I hear another comment about how "big" my baby is..I may scream..yes he likes to eat and he is big!=) Hang in there..you are doing a great job! I know I couldn't handle twins=)

[Alyssa B]

too true. They're getting big aren't they?
love and hugs sent your way
Alyssa

[Stephanie Baxter]

Well, there is just no need for comments of the kind that you got from that lady. Not that you even NEED to begin to justify yourself to the likes of her, but I bet SHE never had twins to deal with!

Like you say, love is THE most important thing...and you're certainly going above and beyond for ALL your girls. Anyone who reads this blog can see just how much you're in love with your beautiful munchkins :)

[Mary]

OMG, it will always be there! My daughter is four and is in dance and all the moms still talk about their babies (who are now 3 & 4) milestones, what they like to eat now, how early they were potty trained, what good sleepers they were/are, when they first walked etc. I just sit and listen because I could interject but like you said, no one cares. Another 'rule' of mine is I never offer up that I breastfed or stayed home with my kids, UNLESS I'm asked about it. I would feel uncomfortable just blurting it out. There was an incident when my cousin and I had babies a month apart and she came over one day and my then 2 year old son was watching TV and she made me feel like I was a horrible mom for letting him watch TV because she would never let her baby watch, you know, because her baby was 4 months old and an expert on toddlers. There was more that she made me feel bad about, I stopped talking to her for a year. I can't take the "You're doing great as a mom but I'm better" attitude!!!

[Kari Follett]

Hear hear!! My babies were exclusively breastfed but I cannot fathom why mom's feel the need to broadcast it to bottle feeding moms like it's a badge of honor. Heck, my kids wouldn't TAKE a bottle or I would have had no problem with it! :P You're doing a wonderful job and are a beautiful person on the inside and out. Seriously it doesn't get better..my oldest is almost 16 and she's in high school and the moms. are. vampires. I say, bring it. :)

[Christa Paustenbaugh]

I 100% agree and was just thinking of blogging something similar!! I have always wondered why we (universal mama we) pick at each other so much instead of raising each other up. Odd.
And just wait until elementary school when there is an added dimension of competition-ugh!

[Stephanie Howell]

you are awesome. :)

[Cheryl]

We women are our own worst enemies, aren't we? I've never understood the need to compete in the "who's the best mom" contest. As women, we should be loving and supporting each other...holding each other up...and the prize at the end is healthy kids and wonderful friends...and an amazing journey along the way.

[Sar W]

Well done you, for once again saying exactly what we have all thought at somge stage of our mothering life! I just want to slap people like that and say 'mind your own freaking business!!!'. xx

[Dawn]

AMEN Sister!!!!!!!!!!

[Nadia Cannizzo]

All I can say here is I agree a million%. My thoughts exactly!

[Emily]

thank you for this post, when my twins were tiny, the amount of advice and comments I got were unreal! As I was a brand new mom, I had no clue what I was doing with one baby let alone two. We don't have family close by and that 2nd week when my husband had to go back to to work, I cried every day completely overwhelmed. My little monkeys are now 5 and it's still a little crazy. But when I see a new momma trying to carry a giant diaper bag and two car seats I offer help, and tell them they have beautiful babies and point to my two big kids and wish them luck. Being a momma is hard no matter how you do it or how many you have! And yet for some women if you haven't birthed in the back of a covered wagon going across the prairie- like some old western movie, and breast fed your children and a pack of wolverine cubs--you just don't measure up! ridonculus!!

[mandy ni bhraonain]

with you 100% on this one stephaine!!!! I never understood,understand it either, it used to get to me but I had to stop letting it get to me, as it was destroying me, so I thought who the heck are they to mess with me, I love my kiddos and thats all that matters....next time one of those mommas who have the horrible condition of uncontrollable mouth syndrome lets out one of those competition statements, tell em do they want a medal and do it with a smile!!! your a great momma xxx

[Lynn]

Amen. I nursed all my boys...but for a very short time; it was not for me...I love my boys more than life! One of my favorite stories about being a mom is when I went out to breakfast with my sister-in-law before I had children. My niece was launching all kinds of food off her plate. I remember thinking, "I'll never let my children do that." Fast forward a couple years...when I needed mommy time; happy to be out of my house with a friend for lunch...my son was launching food out of his chair. I realized then...clean up what I can when I am about to leave and leave the waitress a big tip...my little guy was happy!

[Susan (LuckyJava)]

Stephanie you are SO spot on. WIth four girls ranging from 4-20 I can confirm that you are right- in the long run they all turn into what they are destined to be, and the bottom line is that they are loved. They don't remember what you fed them or how, what they played with, or even what they wore (until they laugh at the pictures.... ) They do remember how you made them feel- loved and cherished! Sometimes it feels like a crazy, chaotic home with four girls but to me it says it all that my oldest loves coming home from college and being surrounded by the chaos that is her sisters!

[JillT]

screwem! I honestly think it's the female sex in general about everything. Girls treat other girls the worst! (Hold on for dear life Steph!) Sometimes this habit I love-scrapbooking-is the same. I may never get published (esp. if I don't enter :) but I love it whether I'm following "the rules" or not.

[lyn kearns]

amen sister! I have 2 kids and I won't even mention if they were breastfed, or bottlefed, daycare, stayed at home, ate homemade baby food, or c-section or vaginal delivery. I think motherhood is basically survival camp and if you make it through the first year with your sanity then it doesn't matter how you got there :)

[Stephanie Howell]

and stay that way. authenticity is so much better than selling out anyway :) xo

[Beth]

Steph I totally agree with you..I have no idea why a lot of women feel the need to do this,,,and not just with baby stuff...as you know I am a very dedicated and goal oriented runner and I have had other women comment negatively on that as well....we all have our own goals and interests and the way one person does something is no better than another's if the end result is a happy healthy loved baby or a happy healthy fit woman,,, then the only motivation I can see is jealously or insecurity on the part of the person making the negative comments....

[Stacey]

I bf too, and I could care less how anyone feeds their kids. For me, bf was so much easier, that's why I did it. But in our area, the competition goes the opposite. Women "brag" about the issues their kids have. If your kids don't have issues, you are boring. My husband and I can't understand it. The babies are so adodrable!! Getting so big! Have a great day!

[Stephanie Howell]

you rock. plain and simple. and i totally get it. its the same as the runners i know looking down on me for scrapbooking. you must have lots of time on your hands UGH!

[Linda Trace]

oh my goodness I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!!! I've had similar things happen to me. My mother even spent both my pregnancies telling me what my sister's doctors told her to do during her pregnancies (not what my doctors and midwives told ME).
I've had people go on at me because my eldest daughter spent her first EIGHTEEN MONTHS sleeping on my lap and nowhere else. Apparently this means I was not only a weak mother, but I put myself in that situation. (It had nothing to do with the fact that my daughter refused to sleep alone and would scream incessantly for well over two hours without break if I tried to leave her alone/put her down in her bed.)

I also spent almost 80% of my waking hours breastfeeding her because she refused any other form of food until she was 6 months and I had very little milk supply.

My second daughter has not only had bottle milk (in supplement to breastmilk) but she sleeps--wait for it--ALL NIGHT THROUGH!! She has since she was born (almost).

I also hate those women (sorry, but it usually is women) who looked at me when I was pregnant with my second child, and my (then) 1 year old daughter and say "you're going to have your hands full" with a 'tut tut' tone to their voices. WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!

I wish I'd had the courage to tell 'those' women to jam it. To keep their comments and opinions to themselves and to leave me and my PERSONAL BUSINESS to myself. (and go get themselves a mullet :))

[Missy Gener]

Well said! I can't stand "competitive parenting" as I like to call it. Life too short, let them eat french fries and play in the mud! And yes, I also let them wear what ever they want. Even if that means we are going out in a party dress with cowgirl boots.
The girls are getting so big and boy are they cute! Have a great day!

[Shara]

Amen! Miss you mama friend!

[Melissa Mann]

amen & amen.

[Melanie]

Oh Stephanie, that is so true. I cannot believe how may of those mums are out there. Before I thought about babies I always believed that mums must be really nice women, grown up with a respectul and educated view of human kind. But no, once they are delivered of their little cuties they start to compare and elevate themselves on the supposedly less succesful other moms. I just do not get it and I simply cannot get my head around the fact what a wide spread problem it is ;) It is a shame that it makes friendships with many women unattainable because they are being so difficult. You are doing a wonderful job and your girls are just so stunning and beautiful and funny. Thank you for speaking my mind :)

[Chris Hertel]

It all begins when a woman is pregnant... for some reason people, perfect strangers in fact, think that they can touch your belly {shudder} or say things that they should not. I was a week over due and this guy looks at me and asks me if I'm having twins (I was huge), I said no, and then he proceeds to say "are you sure"... seriously? I had a sonogram! I pretty much burst into tears, ran over to my husband and said I wanna go home. I've had a woman lift my babies (dd) blanket up while I was breast feeding... umm, yeah, I don't normally show strange woman my boob, so why is it OK now? Would this person just walk over to me and lift my shirt up? I think not, so why does she think it's OK to lift up the blanket? I couldn't breast feed my son because he was allergic to everything I ate. He is 12, a total brainiac and perfectly healthy and drank soy formula. (OMG, this turned into a mini novel, sorry)... but don't worry about those people, seriously, not worth the time. :)

[Sherry G]

I'm and early childhood educator specializing in child development and I have a shirt that is embroidered with the quote: "Childhood is a journey, not a race."

Your girls are the cutest! And it is obvious they are loved on their journey.

[Jenni Hufford]

well said. i think this is definitely a problem no-a-days and i believe it all stems out of insecurity. just like high school (like you said). i think the saddest thing of all is a baby/child who sees their mama doing it and learns that behavior is acceptable, or worse try to live up to mama's expectations. ya know? i think supporting and loving each other through this DIFFICULT YET WONDERFUL time of being a mom is what we should do for one another. Thanks for posting this!

[Bea Monforte]

I've not kids yet but I've seen women talking about those things, and some of them had not children but they're talking haw people must or must not have babies (I've heard the sentence "The ONLY way people must have children is at home (without doctors)and without epidural"...
And, of course, when it's not about babies, it's about, housekeeping, working, men, etc... I can't stand women or girls who need those competitions. I'm soooo afraid of them. I think it's all about insecurity, and a very low selfstime...
For me, the better is doing my way and listening only people who wants the best for me (even if I'm not on accord) and respect my own opinion (even if they're not on acord with me)... And I try doing the same, of course!

We, girls, women, mums, workers, must be toghether, not the ones against the others! ;)

PS: Your girls are cutest every day!

[Lea]

A lovely post Stephanie. I recently had someone give me an interesting look and a 'gawd are you still breastfeeding '...(my beautiful almost 2 year old)to which I smiled and said 'yes i'm one of THOSE mothers'. Heehee. I'm 100% with you Stephanie-a loved baby, wrapped in adoration, loving arms, tenderness...that's what matters.

IMG_5232 IMG_5218

[Debra]

Sorry you met up with one of those mommies. I usually respond to those kind of comments with a blank stare directed right at the rude person. Don't say a word, just look at them as if to say "why would you say that". Hold the look for awhile, enough to get your point across, then maybe shake your head in disguist at them as you look away. Usually they get uncomfortable and start backpedaling, because face it, they know they are rude and bullying, and they only say it because no one calls them on it.

I also try to limit my contact with that type of person whenever possible. I won't avoid places where they are, but I will avoid talking to them or be very brief but polite before excusing myself from the conversation.

Its sad that some people have to tear others down to build themselves up, but it is really about them, not about you. You know in your heart that you are doing the best you can and that is more than enough for your girls. They are blessed to have you.

Deb

[ShellyJ]

you go girl :)

[AmyT]

I was stationed with a girl in NC that was EXACTLY like this! Our kids were a month apart!

[Kate]

Oh wow, totally get this. I think I wear a sign that says "look at me! Comment on me and my kids!! What am I doing wrong at this moment?!" The love and consciousness with how you talk to and interact with them is all that matters.

[Ginny]

Well said Stephanie, what is IMPORTANT is that babies are loved & cherished. I think you're doing a wonderful job - just look at those sweet happy faces.

[Jan]

You know, many years ago I met a woman that had 5 or 6 children and she was 'one of those women'! She homeschooled her children before it was the 'in' thing to do...she was very involved in all their activities...and she would tell you how perfect her mothering was at a moments notice. Fast forward to now - my son is friends with one of her sons and his wife - the stories they tell about growing up with this mother are really unbelievable! Her children have very little to do with her and she rarely sees her grandchildren (and they live in the same town). Anyway, at first I thought 'Aha, she was such a 'perfect' mom and now look at her'. Then I just felt really sorry for her.

Yes, we should support each other instead of trying to compete with each other or tear each other down, but this is not a perfect world and some people seem to need to feel better about themselves and how they are living by comparing themselves to others and coming out on top.

[Kami]

You're right, it does not matter whether a child is breastfed or not!!! I did not succeed in the breastfeeding department, at first I felt guilty, but then I soon learned that my kids turned out just fine, are smart, happy and extremely loooooved!! So many people tell me that my children must be very loved because they are always smiling and happy. Now that is the comment that I want to hear!!! I secretly believe that mothers who "brag" about how long they breastfed want or need that validation because they too know it doesn't really matter and they want to somehow make it all worth it. I don't know! Dumb really!!! And don't even get me started on those who breastfeed past the age of one!!! LOL!!!

[Stacey]

I hear you and I don't even have children! I bought my first house almost 6 months ago and the first thing my friend said after seeing it was "my yard is bigger". Seriously, not even a congratulations.

[[email protected]]

Ok I know this is not the point at all but the thought of breastfeeding a two year old is kind of creepy....., that can be your response next time " really, that's weird" :). Hang in there sister. It, unfortunately, will not go away, just evolve. It will go from bottle feeding to the music they listen to or what they are allowed to watch on TV. Take comfort that their salvation is not in the food you feed them or don't feed them :)

[Account Deleted]

well. I was a perfect mother. Still am. My children were reading at 6 months. Potty training? They never wore diapers. And now they are successful, independent, wealthy young adults. All because of me. Wanna buy some land in China?

Steph, you are a wonder. Have your ears been ringing? People have been admiring the dresses as I have smocked them in public but they are in awe of the fact that you have 4 precious girls to get to dress up.

I have to say your children look pretty darn content to me. Happy meals? Ha! The centerpiece on our dinning room table was a steering wheel! At least we ate together, right?

((hugs)) Mama, we love you! mag

[Beth Holmes]

Hi Stephanie. Yes, we've all experienced this! Have you seen these videos from Jen Singer at her Momma's Blog. This one is making fun of a very competitive soccer Mom, but it's the same idea.
http://www.mommasaid.net/mommablog/2011/01/05/mommasaids-soccer-mommed/
I am forever thankful for a Mom friend who told me that switching from breastfeeding to bottlefeeding is not like going from feeding your baby home made organic whole grain bread to feeding her wonder bread. It's like going from home made organic whole grain bread to store bought organic whole grain bread. I hugged her -- I was having huge problems with breastfeeding and had seen a couple of lactation consultants without success. I was beginning to almost hate the sight of my baby because my breasts were so sore -- that's when I decided that it was better to love my baby and feed her a bottle rather than hate her and breast feed! But this was not an easy decision! I felt so guilty! My friends reassurance helped a whole lot!

[Julie V.]

Amen!

[Denise]

I agree 100%

It's why I have very few friends. That mommy competition turns me off quick. Considering how much we move around with the military when it comes to making new friends it just seems like I run into that competition thing more often than not (also including how much rank their hubby's have). I love my girls fiercely, but they aren't the smartest, quickest, or whatever! However they are fabulous loving children that we adore and that's all that matters :)

[Sarah]

Steph, I have been wanting to blog about this same kind of thing for a while, but didn't know how without sounding bitter! ;) I hear all the time things about me staying at home. It really gets to me sometimes! I don't understand why women are so mean and hurtful to each other either. Why can't we just accept our differences and be friends? It's why making friends is so hard these days I think. Anyway, be strong and confident in your mothering. Your girls are precious, and it's obvious they are loved and adored.

[Monica Brown]

I totally agree! Nothing irritates me more than when women who breastfeed who chide mothers using bottles. Some women don't have a choice. We are all so lucky we can choose to nourish our babies in the way that is healthiest for them and us. I had a conversation with a friend who was asking my advice on breastfeeding. She was struggling, and had been for months, and wanted my advice as someone who had. I told her that she needed to do what felt right...right is different for everyone. We shouldn't judge or criticize someone for finding their "right"...we should applaud.

[Mel]

Thanks for that...I needed it today :) We live in housing on post...enough said.

[Sharon Osborn]

My sister came back with a great comment...
"What a unique thing to say"

Have to admit I've never been brave enough to actually say it, but boy, have I thought it! I'm with you girl-here' me uniting!

[mollie bruss]

amen mama!

[kylahailstone]

hallelujah, Im so glad to hear that there is someone else out there who is sick to death of this. I find it not only is about kids, but how easy it its to keep their houses clean, how they never leave the house without being fully dressed and in make-up, or how much money their husbands make, or how easy it was to lose weight. I could go on and on. Why can't we ban together into a support network instead. Life is hard, being a mommy is hard. Why do they need to pretend that it isn't to look good?

Whew, I feel better now. Thank you Stephanie!BTW all the girls look so adorable! I've been reading your blog since Sadie was a babe, so it's kind of sureal watching them grow and change. I know my own children are the same but since I am with them everyday I think I miss the how dramatic the changes are.
xo.kyla

[Pat]

It is ever with us - even into older ages - "you have more gray in your hair than I do"! The need to make yourself feel better is an illness.

The babes are beautiful and blessed!

[Jessica R.]

Great post. Yes, it happens all the time. I dont think there is any way to escape it unfortunately. Women are just mean. I get SO sick of it. I do feel pressure sometimes & I wish I didn't care. I do the best I can. I know I am a good mother & I know that is all that matters. Your babies are just beautiful!

[Susan Beth]

It doesn't matter what you do - whether out of some agenda or because it just happened that way with your child - someone will criticize you. I breastfed and was told how I was depriving my husband of the opportunity to bond with baby by feeding him. I used a front carrier and was criticized for not keeping him in the carseat all the time. Everyone has their own way, and I truly believe that is okay. Sometimes I'm not sure it is competition that makes mommas say what they did so much as trying to share something that worked for them - and with being a momma, something that worked is pretty exciting because so many things barely work, and are a struggle.

[Wendy Goodman]

I think it will always be a competition because our world revolves on being "better" than the next person. I try so hard not to compare myself to other mama's because I only want to care about how much my child is loved. But others can beat you down sometimes, right? I think we all have the same struggles and all you can do is support each other, not make some else feel inadequate. You are doing a great job and your girls are beautiful!

[marcy]

Amen!! We are all perfectly imperfect!

[Jennifer Shaw]

Loved this post!! Well said!! I had my babies in the late 80's and faced the same things. I think that women who are like that are a bit insecure in themselves so they feel the need to promote themselves. You are doing a terrific job and these photos are so sweet!! :)

[Stephanie Howell]

Susan Beth- I totally get that. But,to me, theres a big difference between trying to connect and share what works and making others feel inadequate. Im referring to the latter. I appreciate the former. :)

Sent from my iPhone

[Sarah K]

Amen! Shared this on Facebook because it was all I could do to keep from shouting, "AMEN!" in the middle of the high school library. Awesome post, Stephanie.

[AmySorensen]

This made me insane when I had babies. Even though I did breastfeed I still had those rude comments by the breastfeeding nazis. Unless you're beating your children or calling them stupid or lazy (things I have heard said to kids while at work---I'm a librarian and hear the strangest things!) then it's nobody's business how you feed them or anything else. I'd tell you it gets better when they're teenagers but moms just tend to feel competitive about other things. Like...yes, I am SO happy your daughter just got $500 hair extensions. Wheee! (While internally I'm thinking, "you are INSANE! She's 15!" so maybe I'm competitive in my quest to not be over-the-top.)

[Tammy]

I LOVED this post! My son was 2 months premature and I would go home everytime we were around other people and just cry for hours.... No one EVER took a second to think that what they were saying to me could be offensive. I can't even remember how many times people asked me What did you do wrong that he was so early? And then roll right into how they had perfectly healthy full term babies who are WAY ahead of schedule... Ughhhh! I had comments as to why he wasn't walking yet and how their kids were running around at 9 months old... So YES...I agree with your post and I really think people should just think a little before they speak.

[tara pakosta]

I always mention what I do , but not to make people feel bad, I hope I haven't done that!!!
One of my girls switched to a bottle because it was better for her than nursing. the same child had a nuk until she was 3.5! And sometimes my 9 year old STILL pours herself a bottle and DRINKS from it....so I am definitely NOT one to judge! SO I hope I have NEVER come across that way!!!
We homeschool now, but it's only been a year and somedays I just want to ship their bums back to public so I can get a break!!!
I have people in my life who are so competitive in the race of motherhood and it really gets to me sometimes.
nobody's perfect, but you can bet if your child/children feel loved and secure, you are doing something right!!!
and stephanie, your 4 girls are so LOVED & adored, it's quite obvious!!!
Love ya!
tara

[Kat Layton]

I can relate to what you are saying, I have three grown children now, sorry to say I was unable to breast feed but I do not believe my children would be any cuter, smarter, have less problems in life if I had been able to. The one person who would rub my inabilities in my face was my x-mother-in-law, she loved to tell me how she breast fed all of her children, esp my then husband. Some people just need to get over themselves.

[Vanessa M Santamaria]

great post, Steph!!! You ROCK!!!! You're such a great mama... i get my inspiration from you and my friends who I see doing such a good job with their kids. Nobody is perfect, but then again, what is perfect? I know I will love my baby with everything I have when she's born in June, but I will surely get an epidural, I don't cook and I have NEVER been around kids much so it's all a learning experience for me... there may be days when I will feel inadequate or frustrated, but she will be well cared for, well disciplined and loved by many and isn't that what counts? :) xoxo

[Pidgen]

I was really touched by this post. As a single girl I've sat and watched moms "have it out" with eachother. I truly want to give them all the benefit of the doubt.
So as I was reading this I was thinking about why we as women have this need to "comment" on EVERYTHING. And,honestly, I think it's intuition and love. We see a cute little baby and we want the best for it. If we did something and it worked we want to share ... if it backfired we want to save the other mother from the same crisis. I've seen the worst situations with babies who were bottle fed and I think, "Why didn't you use what you had!?" But then I realize that I'm thinkng out of pure emotion. I haven't thought through why a mother would choose a certain path.
I guess I'm saying all of that to say, we as women {mothers or not} have this emotional issue ... and maybe it's reminders like this that we need to take the time to get to know why a mother chose a certain avenue. And of course only offer advice when it's asked for!
Thanks for the thought-provoking post.

[Natalie]

I love reading your blog. This is the first time i have felt the "need" to respond back. talk about a post hitting home for me! it is amazing how competitive women are; it's beyond catty. there are just some that are waiting for other women to "fail" as a mother. and unfortunately, they define that "failure" as not rearing your children how they have reared their own. since becoming a mom, i have witnessed this more than i care to know. i have a friend (i use that term LOOSLY) that had no desire to have children and weeks after i announced i was prego, she was, too. coincidence? she is always fishing for info---wants to know where my child is developmentally. is he walking yet? is he crawling? is he...............is he.............? no matter what i answer, her child has been doing what she has asked for months and 4 times better than my child. i have learned to not even discuss my child with her. it takes the fun out of it for me as i know she is sitting back and judging and waiting for the opportunity to tell me how much BETTER her child is.

as moms, and as women in general, we should be encouraging and supportive of one another. and it's a shame that some can't.

so, from a mom of ONE to a mom of FOUR...you rock those bottles with pride. i know i did. my son is now almost 2 and even after he was strictly on the bottle (the shame. lol), he still calls for his "mama", loves to give me hugs and kisses and wakes up every morning and smiles when he sees me. seeing this lets me know that bottle feeding him didn't screw him up too bad, right? ;-)

hang in there, girl! your kids are gorgeous and YOU are a WONDERFUL MOM!

[Amy S.]

I so hear you! Oh how I love reading your blog. :)

[melina]

I love this blog and i appreciate how truthful you are, although i believe we all have it in us to brag a little every once in a while, like you i have had people commenting on how tall my child is or how "They lose weight when they start walking" ( a special fave of mine)but mostly its women who offer unsolicited advise who get the best out of me, and then i come home worried that the strawberries my 5 year old ate were not organic, that her shorts show under her uniform skirt, so what? i work Full time and run a household, single mom here saying BE more kind to each other women! AMEN!

[Abbeyviolet]

I totally agree! Motherhood is hard and should e a supportive place for all of us.

[Chris]

not sure what you are supposed to say to that, "why you must have nipples of steel??" or the ever popular southern "well bless your heart!" ugh

Being a mother is hard enough, and the mommy wars can make it miserable. At the end of the day though, we just have to do the best that we can for ourselves and our families at the time, and to heck with everyone else and their opinions.

[Stephanie Howell]

Nipples of STEEL??? HaaaaAaaaaaaahahahaha

Sent from my iPhone

[Ann Johnson]

I wish blogs had a "like" button - I love watching your children grow even if I have never met you.

[allison]

It's such an insecurity thing with some women. They just want to think that what they are doing is the best way. I say, "Are you children LOVED?", "Are they well-fed?" "Do they sleep?" "Are their bottoms mostly dry?" If you can say yes to all them, but most importantly the first, then you are doing great. And it doesn't matter how they got there. If all that other stuff really matters so much, then why isn't there a check box on college applications for co-sleeping, breast-feeding, sleeping through the night at an early age, bottle feeding, and all that other crap Moms tend to be competitive about. "Excuse me, Mr. President, were you breastfed?". Really.

Solidarity Sister.

[Karen]

Stephanie, I hear ya girl! I am stay at home mom during the day and work nights and weekends. I have 5 kids ranging from 12 1/2 years to 18 months...I have heard it all and you are absolutely right..LOVE is what matters...as long as you love your kids that's what counts...not if you breastfed them or used cloth diapers or only ate organic...or if they potty train at 18 months or 3 1/2 years ...thats all the small things in life, LOVE is what matters! Thanks for always sharing, I enjoy reading your blog :)

[carol]

we human beings are a crazy breed for sure!!! and I don't care what you got on your SAT either ;) Doing our best to raise happy, respectful and kind people with love should be all that matters. Have a great day.

[Mary M]

Amen.

[Lisa K]

Rock on, mama!

[Michela S.]

Agree x 10!!!!

I dont have any kids of my own yet but I work in a medical office setting and believe me, if some looks could kill- these mammas would be serial killers! lol...i dont understand it myself though..why would you rather sit there "competing" instead of trading off funny stories of mamma chaos and coping and all the good stuff? Ahh...just you wait till i have some babies ill show these women- im the type to say something even if i shouldnt :P Mamma drama in the making here lol. Keep up the awesome work Stephanie- i dont know how you do it but u are amazing with those girls! They are definitely at the top of the "LOVED" contest lol

[Amy Gomez]

Love this post today! Due to a personal reason and some complication I did not breast feed. At first when people would ask me if I did I answered honestly, but people would just attack me, so I began to either ignore their questions or flat out lie, just so I wouldn't be told how "dumb" and "unhealthy" my children would be because I was selfish, people really didn't have a clue. This one gentleman, my fathers age, at my church, just wouldn't let it go. He constantly asked me, are you nursing, are you nursing? Finally I told him that what I did with my boobs was none of his business unless I posed topless in a magazine. He never asked me again. Happily my children and bright and healthy, they love me, we are very bonded and close. I always tell mothers to trust your motherly instincts, God gave you them for a reason!

[Keri]

Yes, THANK YOU!!!

[MilliD]

Wow. People just astound me sometimes. I'm sorry you were subjected to that. I like the suggestion to just stare at the woman until she gets the point. Those kind of comments from women just scream "insecurity". It's totally their problem.

[April C]

I hear ya! When I was pregnant with my son I joined a forum for women expecting babies the same month I was. I've friend-ed several of them on Facebook and sometimes they're statuses read like a resume for their kid: "Isaac is speaking in complete sentences now, he's completely potty-trained and we're starting him in French and Spanish classes next week. Happy 18 month birthday Isaac!"

How can my french fry eating, food throwing, screeching little boy compete with that I tell you!

Women like that piss me off..haha. With or without mullets!

[Linda E]

Well said!!!

[Lisa]

The littles are just cuter and cuter every day. It is very obvious how much you love them. Never mind those competitive moms. You know how to love yours best!

[dani rousseau]

I hear YA! I tried and tried to breast feed...we stopped at 2 months. For one thing it's HARD and another I just didn't produce enough. I went to a play group for new moms and I was trying to make friends and the topic of breastfeeding came up...I said I used a breast shield...I got shunned! I never went back after that!! YIKES! I'm with you...as long as my baby is heathy, loved and happy...That's all that matters!

http://danirousseau.blogspot.com/

[Amy A.]

You are just SO awesome!!!! All 4 of mine have been out of that "baby stage" for many, many years now. But let me tell you was I ever crucified for my choice to bottle feed. And guess what? They all are growing up just fine :D

[Janelle in MT]

i just want to say that i adore you, love your posts- they make me laugh! try not to let what the others say bother you...embrace the fact that you are you & what you do with your children is your business & what works for you! girl, it's just not worth the tears, headache or thoughts! xoxo

[Marti Richards]

LOVE your family and do what is best for your family- that's what I live by. (((HUGS)))- the girls are so stinking cute!!

[Julianne]

Ha!! I totally agree, and really needed to hear this right now!! I am glad I am not the only one dealing with this issue. My 3rd daughter is 2 months old, and a lady that I know had her child around the same time. She is always saying things about how "real" women don't need epidurals, and that her childbirth was "exhilerating"! LOL...mine was pretty exhilerating with the epidural if you ask me!!! And other women ALWAYS ask me if I breastfeed. When I tell them I breastfeed and give formula both, they act like I am a failure. I just try to ignore people like that...if they want to tear down a new mom like that, then they have serious issues, and I don't want to be the one to deal with them!! LOL

[Debra]

Sometimes I think we are our own worst enemy. It seems to me that whenever another mother says something, it just FEELS personal, when maybe (maybe) it is only talk, conversation.....and we TAKE it like a criticism. We ALL want to do the best for our children and feel like it, too. We do what we think it right, and that's all that should matter. My example is that I feel judged BECAUSE I don't feed my son take-out, and I don't because the pediatrician used eating out as reason for yet another shot! That was one that I COULD control. That's all. No judgement on those who give their children take-out. It's just all about our individual preferences and fears. You, Stephanie, are amazing. And your four little girls are beautiful. Don't ever let someone make you feel badly, because it just isn't true.

[Stacy/CA]

Dear Stephanie,

Where were you when my toddler wouldn't give up her binkie for all the barbies, hot dogs and strawberry Julius's in the world? And when every other random person on the planet told me how it would ruin her teeth and she'd be scarred for life?

I would have loved to have had you as my friend, by my side, to tell me it's okay. I completely admire the amazing job you're doing with your beautiful girls.

BTW...my now 16-year-old daughter turned out just fine. She finally gave up her binkie at age 3 1/2, bribed by the prospect of receiving a Little Mermaid barbie. :)

[Vicky]

Well said!! You have just echoed the sentiments of so many mum universe wide. Your "chickens" are adorable and so, so, loved. Have a great day xx

Vicky

[Heidi Jo the Artist]

It has been awhile since I've commented or read here, but I always come back and continue to love your blog!

First of all congratulations on your twins, they are absolutely adorable! We just had our third child in January so I kind of wandered off of blogland for awhile...

I too don't understand why women break each other down. I was once upon a time in a couple of mom's groups and there was just too much negativity that I ended up leaving them both. I have enough negativity in myself that I don't need others to break me down. Sure I complain sometimes too, but I see the competitive nature of moms and it is better for all involved including our children to have more positive people surrounding us.

God Bless You Stephanie and your wonderful honesty!

[Stephanie Howell]

congratulations on the birth of your baby!! xo

[Carrie K]

im not a mom so i never ever judge you guys :) Im mostly in awe...

but i just have to tell you how much i am STILL cracking up at the "surprised" baby pictures...love love love them...im going to be sad when the girls start NOT making that face :) :)

[Jackie Pocock]

Well said. My daughter wouldn't feed from me and I cried for days when I finally gave in and fed her formula, but the most important thing was that she was happy and fed. You are doing an amazing job.

I'm now pregnant with my second baby and hope to breastfeed this time round, but if it doesn't work then so be it. My baby will be loved and fed whichever way is best.

Keep up the amazing work you are doing, you really are an inspiration.

[stephanie]

Well said. : ) I have 4 munchkins - two were nursed until 6-7 mos, then formula, 3 formula only because of tongue issues, and 4 nursing like a champ. I've done a bit of everything and as my husband told me, truly the important thing is that you feed your baby and get that sweet littl tummy full. Breast milk or formula is just semantics and every mommy's situation is different. Give grace, ESPECIALLY when you don't know all the details.

(((hugs))) from a normal lurker. : )

[Jennifer Harris]

It's the lashout of others insecurity - not just mom to mom. People who talk down to others are really feeling inadequate themselves. I remind myself that all the time.

[Debby Schuh]

I am going to be among the first in line to buy your book when you write it! I mean it!! Get going!!
I think you're doing a great job with those babies... all four! I always appreciated the lady who told me to just do my best and God would make up for the rest. And it never ends with women... even when your kids are big!

[Heather V]

I don't have children (which brings along a lot of opinions and advice in and of itself!) but I think if I were you, I'd give these women a great big smile, say "Sounds like you have an unsolicited opinion!" and walk away. If they can't think of anything more important to focus on than whether or not an acquaintance breastfeeds, I think there's something wrong there.

[Tiffany]

I am just going to give this post a big old AMEN! Ever since Madi was born...I have seen it constantly. I roll my eyes every time.