slipping through my fingers

a year ago:






yesterday i was sitting in bed and thinking about one year ago.

one year ago i was sitting in the same bed and i was reallllly pregnant.

10 months (and some change) ago jimmy and i headed to my OB appointment wondering if i was in labor.

and i don't know how it has been a year. i don't know where the time went.

so many times in my life i've said "it seems like only yesterday..." but in reality it really didn't. it seemed vague, distant...a memory.

but i don't understand where the past year has gone.

it slipped through my fingers.

wasn't i just wondering like what it was going to be like to have four children?

wasn't i just wondering if i could do it?

wasn't i just pregnant with my beautiful girls?

it seems like only yesterday.

i really mean it this time. i'm not just saying it.

it terrifies me. i don't want this beautiful, precious time in my life to be a blur. i want to savor and taste

every

single

beautiful and horrible and exhausting and precious and wonderful and confusing

moment of it.

but it's like no matter how hard i concentrate, no matter how much i hold onto it, no matter how present i am...

it's slipping through my fingers.

they don't have the same smell. they aren't pronouncing words the same way. they need me less.

they are so beautiful. and funny. and i am so in love with all of them.

and ohhhhh are they frustrating. they fight like cats and dogs. even the babies!! they whine. they scream. and the tears...

oh the tears.

but oh how i love them.

and i know that what the future holds will be fun and special. in a different way. but wonderful. i know i will love seeing them grow.

but this precious, unique time in my life...

it's slipping through my fingers.

it's like i get so caught up in the everyday diaper changing and snot wiping and homework helping and carpooling and meal making and dish washing and clothes folding and vacuuming and lunch making...

and

i miss it. it slips through my fingers.

dear Lord. help me to hold them more and scold them less. help me to take time to be present. to play. to worry less, try to do less, try to BE in these moments.

help me remember.

help me let them grow. let them shine.

help me remember.

Comments

[christina rayevich]

your prayer at the end is every momma's prayer. it really does go way to fast=(
xo

[Marti Richards]

That is my pray, too, Stephanie. Thank you for sharing. My 6 year old son is the last of his close friends to have not lost a tooth, yet. Part of me is happy about this b/c it seems like that is the last link of his babyhood- like when he loses that 1st tooth, it will mean that he is really going to grow up on me. I am excited to see what his future holds, but this sweet time of needing Mama to walk him up to the school (don't drop me off in the car line!) or asking if can he hug me all day long seems fleeting. :(

[Natalie]

Awesome!! :0)

[Michelle King]

One day you will be sooooo glad you kept up with this blog and that you documented so many moments on layouts. The stories will follow your precious little girls all their lives and they will be able to pass them on too. You are creating quite a history and they will know just how loved they are and how proud you are to be their mom :)

You may feel like it is all slipping away, but you are working hard to create your family legacy. Good on ya, girl! ;)

[Michelle]

These are my same exact feelings!!! I think they are most every mom's. Most in I have heard mother's say the opposite, believe it or not. I wish time would slow down so we could just savor the moment.

[Laurie Ann]

This is exactly how I feel. I couldn't have said it any better. I am living those same feelings every day. My eldest is turing 5 on sunday...I just can't believe it. where DOES the time go!

[Jenni Hufford]

So beautiful and my prayer exactly. i don't want to trade in the "stress" of the everyday, for the beautiful, fleeting moments with my children. thank you for the reminder

[Jennifer Henson]

Wow... so true... every nugget... seems like the harder I try to grasp, to hold on to my girls, it spins faster... on 10/6 we'll have two teenage girls... time really does fly... if you find a way to hold on, please share! :)

[Sara]

Thank you as always for putting your heart and soul into your blog and the perfect way you seem to have with words. My girls are now 16 and 11 and I cannot for the life of me believe that those years just flew by in a blur. Keep doing what you do. At least you are conscious of the speed of time and it sounds to me that you at least step back and "smell the roses". Good luck Stephanie and thanks again for being so honest and for helping me to take a breath and enjoy my beautiful girls as they are "in the moment" tears, tantrums and all.

[Christine Campbell]

You will hun, you will...and when we're all old and grey, even more than we are now (hee hee) you will have this wonderful blog to help you remember...it's a wonderful gift you've given yourself and your girls...

[Kris]

Oh Stephanie! You have such a way with words! It is such a bittersweet feeling isn't it? I "just" had my first baby one year ago and I can't believe that it has already been a year. Sometimes I am excited for all that is to come, and other times I want to hit the pause button! Little things will set off that panic button, like a the song from a toy he hasn't touched since he was a few months old, or an outfit that was a favorite of mine to put him in...then I look at him, with my eyes filled with tears, wondering how all those moments passed so quickly!

[Pilbara Pink]

Your thoughts never change you know. My girls are 25 and 28 and yet I still want to hold every moment I spend with them. We are all living in the same house right now (and have our son-in-law to boot!) and I am torn between documenting this amazing time we have together and being present in it too. It seems like moments since we had our first pregnancy confirmed and now look at them! No wonder I am often disorientated when I look in the mirror and think who is that middle-aged woman who looks so like my mother?? You have enough on your plate without stressing what you might be missing - relax, enjoy, document :)

[Joselyn]

Amen! I have 3 chicks, 13, almost 9, and 7. The time flies, and I find myself asking for the same prayer of grace from God to just ENJOY these moments because soon this chaos of running and doing with them will be over.

[KristiGMomOf3]

What a beautiful post.

[norah]

Stephanie,
My chicks are now 44, 43, 40, 35,& 30!i too say 'it slipped through my fingers'.
We all do.
But you have a wonderful chronicle of events, feelings sentiments etc. on your blog. I hope you are backing up to somewhere! EHD, CD, online storage. It is so imortant to have it to look at later and relive it all.
We all try to 'live in the now' but how can you do more than you do?! You savor every moment and they still fly by!
Relax and enjoy what you have, be with your girls as much as you can, get household help, go to museums, parks anywhere to expose them to the world and enjoy it with them.
Sorry about the epistle, but believe me you will never regret the time you spent with your family.
Love & prayers,
Norah

[JenRay]

Amen!

[Mommy6194]

you took the words out of my mouth. i just want my girls to slow down a little for goodness sake.. slow down.

[Natasha W]

Well said, Steph

[Kimberly Garofolo]

I so get this...your heart and words touched my heart. I love how you share and express so much, your real thoughts. With Noelly...my oldest being 18, rest assured, I do remember every detail of her life, as well as have it carefully recorded as you do with your precious ones. I love that as a Mom...each of our children no matter how old they get or how much time goes by...none of it ever will be forgotten or a blur. (((hugs))) love you! xx :)

[Neelu]

Ameen! *sniff sniff*

[Kim S.]

I'm feeling it too. Took my oldest to be fitted for his first "formal" wear for the homecoming dance last night. Lump in my throat and tears stinging my eyes. My little guy, now handsome and tall and becoming so independent. Savor it, Steph.

[sue]

How sweet and true your words are...they grow up right before your eyes without you even knowing it. My second oldest turned 7 this year and now he seems so grown up! My oldest moved out this week and I can clearly recall taking him to school the first day of Kindergarten...so bittersweet...you want to see them grow and accomplish so many things in life, but oh it would be neat to just suspend a few of these moments in time....for just a little while :) bless you!

[Becca]

Amen! I'm right there with you. Becca

[allison]

All of what you said - that's the best part of scrapbooking (and blogging for that matter). It's like you took a piece of time and froze it for yourself. No, you won't be able to smell the smells, or hear the sounds, but you will be able to remember other little things that would otherwise fall through the cracks of your memory. I always like to think that the best is yet to come - that way I don't get too sad about the growing up so quickly part. :)

[Peg]

Your beautiful bigs are so much bigger! I can't believe how much they have changed in the last year. Especially Sadie! What a wonderful retrospective and you are doing just the right things recording moments just like this. Have a beautiful, present day! TFS!

[Sally]

Today. Of all days. Was perhaps one of tbe best to post this. Why? Because its evetything thats been spinning through my head all week. The part whete i feel all i do is chase my tail. But all i wanna do is hold her . Its refreshing to hear i'm not alone in any of these feelings. & you should know you ate not either!! Much love from our home to yours :)))) xxx

[Jessica]

I feel the same way with my 17 month old...its exciting and scary all at the same time. Where did my baby go? I miss all of the little baby things so much, but love each, and every new day with my toddler. This is such a great post! You have the best way of putting down words, and expressing the feelings so many of us share. Honestly, your blog is a gift! Thanks so much for sharing. I look forward to reading your blog at nap time each and every single day.

[Candy]

Wow, you are still vacuuming? Now I'm impressed. But then the little ones put everything in their mouths. Deep breaths.

[Chris]

The days are long and the years are short! Beautiful post!

[Priya Mohan]

Ohh..I so much love this post!..As a mom to a 2+ old kid, I have been having the same feelings!..you just spoke out my thoughts loud!:)..thank you for that!..I would have never been able to express myself this way and you have done that for me. Can't keep thanking you!..I keep looking for ways to keep those memories from slipping my mind and savor them:). TFS!

[jung a]

oh steph! this is exactly how i feel every night when i check in on my daughter fast asleep. how did she get so big? when did she become a kindergartener? why did i scold her so much today, when i only have a few hours with her everyday after school...
and man the fighting!!! her and my 1.5 yr old fight over everything!

[Corey Brock]

Stephanie, your words ring so true and I literally have tears in my eyes from this post! (I think you should write poetry or hallmark cards! Your words are beautiful!) You are so right...these precious years when our little ones are little is fleeting. Thank you for your constant reminders to enjoy every second of it...even the screaming tantrum fighting moments!!!

[Corey Brock]

I meant are fleeting...not is fleeting! (mommybrain, sorry!)

[Amy P.]

Wonderful post! I totally agree with you!! My boys are 6 & 3 and I feel like time has flown by and it kills me to think I should have slowed down and spent more time with them, even though I am a SHM I am constantly thinking of all that needs to be done.

[Laurie LaRiviere]

I think every mother out there can relate to what you are saying... it does all slip right through our fingers, time goes way to fast, today my little guy, 3 1/2 sat on my lap, looked at me and said "I love you Ma, more than all the people and more than all the oreos in the world"...I just looked at him and tried to savor the moment...now my teenage son telling me he doesn't like me because he's told to follow the rules...well that I could do without...lol!!

[Whitney]

Feel the same way! Took my twins to meet my grandmother (they're great grandmother!!!) and sitting on the porch she looked at me holding my daughter and said it felt like yesterday my mom was holding me. Don't know if it ever slows down, but that's why we keep track of these crazy days!!

[Nirupama Kumar]

So true!! I feel like that with my baby girl and she is only six months old, but I just don't know what happened to my little newborn. She is already sitting up and crawling and wants to eat everything in sight. What happened to my little milk baby?

[Heidi Thomas]

You wrote something that I feel the exact same way about. My last baby is about to turn 1 in a few weeks and I simply cannot understand where the past year went! I want to hold on so bad and savor every minute and not be afraid of what the future holds but to be thankful for what God has given me right now. Thanks for writing such a beautiful post.

[Alissa]

oh you always touch my heart!!!

[Daniele Valois]

oh this post makes my tummy hurt. I know, I know.

[Design Editor]

This was so touching. I just saw a commericial the other day-the one where the Mom is bathing the baby in the sink-and felt a wave of sadness. My twin girls are two and it hit me that it's over. I'm not a Mom to babies any more. When I was in the throws of sleepless nights and a million feedings, a friend told me not to wish it away and she was right. So special and fleeting.

[Melinda F.]

Oh how I can relate to this! I stressed for two years before my first went to kindergarten and cried the day of. How did he get there so fast? 2 more kids came along and life became a blur, teaching full time, three litte ones, daycare, house keeping, laundry, and doctor appointments. I was there every day and loved them every second and cherished every moment. People told me it would go by fast. And now my oldest is a Sophmore in high school, and I'm starting to stress and get sad that I only have a few more years with him before he leaves for college. Why do they have to grow up so fast? Hold tight to every second!

[Alison]

You really hit the nail on the head with that one. Totally feeling the same things right now. Good luck to us both!