*love*ly things - loving a soldier.

forgive me if this post is a bit all over the place. i didn't even know where to begin...and i certainly didn't know where to stop. i just kind of wrote from my heart. hopefully it's not to scatterbrained. :)

i fell in love with a boy from west point when i was 23 years old. i didn't know much about him. i just new i loved his squinty brown eyes. and his smile. and the cleft in his chin. and the way he made me feel.

 

i certainly didn't know what our love story would entail. i didn't know that the road ahead of us would include four little girls, six duty stations, four states, eight moves, eight homes, seven (on the brink of eight) deployments.

 

i didn't know that we would weather some of the scariest times i could imagine.

 

i didn't know that i'd have his baby girl without him there.

i didn't know that there would be months that i thought i might never see him again.

i just knew he made me happy.

it was 2000.

 

there was no war. no september 11. no operation enduring freedom,no operation iraqi freedom. no one even really know what the word "deployed" meant. no imminent danger.

 

just us.

we had a pretty good relationship. a little drama (mostly caused by having a long-distance relationship) but a  lot of love.

but i took him for granted. i took our time together for granted. we fought over the silliest things. i held the stupidest grudges.

i remember taking him to the dallas airport and dropping him off...and crying so hard on the way back to the car. crying so hard i couldn't see straight.

i thought it was the worst thing ever.

 

i had no idea.

then came september 11. things changed. my safety net ripped. my bubble popped. my safe little world was turned upside down. suddenly this loving a soldier thing? took on a whole new meaning.

 

i was scared.

but oh my goodness did i love him. he loved me...he made me feel like the center of the universe. he made me feel beautiful.i made him laugh. i gave him stability. we fit together.

i didn't know what was ahead of us, but i wasn't letting go.

we got engaged, and spent the first part of our engagement apart. he was in ranger school.

i thought it was the hardest thing ever.

 

i had no idea.

i planned a beautiful west point wedding. i found the dress,the flowers, the women who would stand by my side.

j made it through ranger school and broke the news that our west point wedding wasn't going to happen. you see...he wasn't going to be in the US. he was going to be in afghanistan.

we planned the wedding in a week.

three months later he left for almost a year in afghanistan. no emails, no skype. not many phone calls. just hand written letters. i still have every single one.

how do you love someone who is halfway across the world? you write them letters telling them the mundane. telling them the big things. you write them letters listing all the things you love about them, while fighting back the tears and lying with your pen and saying you are "fine". truth is i wasn't fine. i was very naive. i still didn't know how to have a marriage, let alone how to do it during a deployment.

but we figured it out.

you know what i figured out?

 

it's not about me. or even about him. it's about us.

it's about something bigger, more complicated, more selfless. it's about the choice he has made to do what he does.

love is about sacrifice. i have learned that our love is complicated.

our loves spans miles and years and continents and moments. some moments he is there for, some he is not.

but he is never far from me because he is in my heart. he is just as much a part of me as i am. he is imprinted on my soul.

how do you love someone when you live from moment to moment wondering if they are alive? when you survive from email to email? feeling a sense of relief each time you hear from him but also looking ahead to the next time you hear? how do you love someone who is gone more than he is next to you?

 

you pray.

you pray and hold on tight. and you tell him you love him. you hold tight to him when he is here. you tell him you are proud of him.

when he comes home you hold him so tight he can't breathe. you breathe him in to try to memorize it for next time he is gone.

we have had six deployments and four children since that first deployment. i have learned so much. i know my husband like i've never known anyone. i can read my husband in a look. i love him in a way that is both terrifying and exhilarating.

we have had some beautiful moments. conversly we have had some excruciatingly terrifying moments. some of those moments felt like the worst thing ever.

but truth be told?

i've never experienced the worst thing ever.

 

and every day we are apart i pray that i will never have to know that pain.

 

loving jimmy is like being in a constant free fall. nothing is guaranteed. we only have the time we have together now.

we love with all of our hearts. argue with all of our hearts. trust with all of our hearts.

we build memories. we make babies. we make promises. these are the things that bind us when he is away.

 
i don't take our time together for granted anymore. i relish it. savor it. see it for what it is, even when we are driving each other nuts. it's a gift.

 

how do you love a soldier?

with everything you have. you love him knowing that loving him is the only thing you can EVER be certain of in the life you lead.

you love him knowing that sometimes it will be all you have to cling to.

you love him because he is your heart.

 

source unknown

 

 

Comments

[carol.in.canada]

What a beautiful post.

[Danielle Higginbottom-Brown]

Beautiful!

[Kristen]

Loved this...

[Vanessa]

I'm bawling. Such a beautiful post. I love you guys, and your love, and your family!! Gonna squeeze my guy tight when he comes in the cafe for his coffee this morning. xo!

[Barbara Eads]

Incredibly well written! Thank you and your husband for what you are doing for all of us---from someone who has been in love for 40+ years now. I wish that for you!

[Jenni Hufford]

this is incredible. i so enjoyed reading this and listening to your heart.

[Sigrun Campbell]

love this!!! very beautifully written

[Sigrun Campbell]

Also I Wrote a comment before on your little survey and it did not get posted so I thought I will put it here now since it is posting! i love your blog and also found you through SC. your layouts are my fave and your style is very much like mine so as soon as I see you have updated your blog I come to read it!! I love love your layouts and the rainbow bday looked amazing! i am also using Pinterest for my daughters - curious george bday-.... However, I am over in London and curious george is not big over here so I had to get all the stuff shipped over from the US! Anyway I will comment here more as I find your blog very inspiring and as I said your layouts are AMAZING!! I also loved loved having a sneak peek at your craft room. DO you really scrap on the floor? How do you do that? sounds fun! have a good one!

[madeline St onge]

Thank you for making me cry first thing in the morning

Beautiful

[Linda in aus]

What a wonderful post and all so very true. My dad passed away a couple of years ago and we found all of the letters mum had written to him when he was away fighting in WW2, he had kept them in a shoe box in the back of his wardrobe. I could only read one or two as I felt I was intruding, mum can't believe she had written "so much mush" as she calls it.
Xx

[Jenae Fundingsland]

such a strong, sweet, and real post. have me crying and praying early this morning! you are an amazing woman! hope we can get together again soon!

[Sigrun Campbell]

I also forgot to say that I really admire you as well! Having 4 kids with your hubbie away a lot is very admirable! I have 3 kids under 4 and my hubbie was away only for 3 weeks and I almost lost my mind!!! i won't forget the pics you posted of you going shopping with the twins and all the shopping around them! It was very cute!!

[Account Deleted]

you are all of us, Steph. Best. post. ever.

[Debby Schuh]

Starting the morning with a good cry, reading your post... you express yourself so beautifully and give us a little glimpse into the life of a military wife. Brandon and Alicia are on their way home from Kuwait right now for R&R... I'll love on them and savor every minute together!

[Juanna Sia]

tugs at the core of my heart. thanks for sharing, it makes me count my blessings, it reminds me never to take the people i love for granted. thank you stephanie!

[dawn]

I'm crying while reading this beautiful post. This was well written and I can feel every emotion your sharing with us. What a sweet love story this is!! I can't imagine going thru all you've done with 4 kids and on your own for most of it, it has made you strong and to live life to the fullest and PROUD of your family. Thank you for sharing this with us and making me smile and thank that solider man of yours for all he does for our country. Both of you are lucky to have found each other.
HUGS AND LOVE
Dawn

[Tracy O]

Beautiful post Stephanie...and I can relate to every single word! I still have the letters from each of our deployments. I remember the fear of possibility of him not being there for the birth of our first daughter (he deployed 2 days after we found out). I remember his being gone for a good part of our sons first year and as we gear up for another deployment I am soaking in every minute of time I have with him.

I love your posts about being a military wife because it makes me feel like I have an instant bond with you...I am telling you, we could be besties IRL, just so I could pinch the girls cheeks and hone in on your creative mojo...

Thanks again for such a beautifully written post...I think you have spoken the mind of nearly every military spouse.

[Aimee Wood]

beautiful post!

[Jessica]

So beautiful... Thanks for sharing.

[Karen B]

you are always writing from the heart. Thank you for the heartfelt beautiful post. I need to go hug my husband.

[Janet and Lisa]

Beautiful post, I think that it's from the heart and really lets everyone know how you feel. Love the pictures and the story.

[Laura]

Wow, Stephanie. Make sure your soldier reads this. You've definitely put your heart right here on the page. (Well, you always do.) I *love* the pictures of the six of you on/by the futon -- not sure I've seen those.

[Bernice]

Absolutely beautiful, Stephanie.

[Mara]

beautiful post, steph.
love the pictures.
love the moments captured.
love that you're so honest.
what an awesome family you have.
xx.

[Brooklyn]

Oh, wow! This is the most heartfelt post I have ever read. The best post I have ever read. I am in awe of you and the love you share. It's just plain beautiful to read about. Thank you so much for sharing.

[Laura]

Thank you for posting that. I know it'll bring comfort and peace to so, so many people.

[Nikki M]

thank you.

[Kelly Cree]

Love my military man. Love this post too! ;) Thanks for sharing....wonder how many tears you shed remembering...

[abbeyviolet]

Just beautiful, in every way.

[Jessica @ The Mom Creative]

You are a *soul* beautiful friend. xo

[Whitney]

So so wonderful. God bless you and your precious family!

[sherried]

Thank you to you and J....What a beautiful post.

[Jamie Long]

I remember the days when there were only hand written letters, I had totally forgotten about that. Cleft chins will do that to a girl :)

[Dawn Cheshire]

Beautiful, Thinking of you, your soldier and your beautiful girls! Off to give my hubby a hug! I've always said that you should tell them you love them in the morning and last thing at night at the very least and never go to bed without resolving your differences!

[Angie U]

So beautifully written - I still have the letters from my Navy man too, written before email was even an idea! You are absolutely right in the "loving him" is the easy part, if you always keep that in your heart you can get through anything!

[Robin G]

With tears running down my face, all I can think to say is Beautiful Post, Beautiful Family, Beautiful Pictures! Thank you to you and your family for all you do for us!

[Miriam Prantner]

Thank you to J and thank you to You. I live in Arlington, VA and work for DoD and the sacrifice that your WHOLE FAMILY makes means so much to me. We are so blessed to have so many like you guys who make those sacrifices and keep us safe. It's such a hard situation you guys are in, and I see many families who don't make it. I am so glad to see how strongly tied together you guys are. Thanks for sharing.

[Julia]

Wow, that is a beautiful, beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing!!

[Kolleen moss]

You are amazing. Love seeing those precious girls in your pics. Love your love story so well captured in your blog. We appreciate your families sacrifice for patriotic duty and appreciate your soldier more than I can say. God Bless you all.

[Mary Jo]

Amazing! You know you really should write a book.
I think it would make a great story and I know I would read it :)

[Shannon Shurtleff]

Stephanie. Really? Why must you make me cry before breakfast?? (((HUGS))) This could have come from my mind! I love your story, and I completely understand loving a Soldier. It is the greatest love, the most trusting love, the butterfly kind. Seeing those doors open, and our guys marching in...seeing them love on their babies...it is the best. You are a Rockstar. For real.

[Christy K]

smiling because your love with your husband is a beautiful thing.

[Debbie]

i still have every letter from 1990. they are in a stack bound with one of those elastic thingies they use to roll the pant legs under to hold them nice and neat. that stack makes me smile.

[brenda]

What beautiful, heart-wrenching words. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. You are a beautiful family and I will keep you in my prayers.

[BreAnn]

I was in tears the entire time I was reading this. I love when you write about your love for your husband and your family.

[rkokes]

beautiful!!!!

[Brenna]

One of the most beautiful things I have ever read. I had tears in my eyes the entire time. Thank you so much for sharing your family, your life and your love.

[Rebecca B]

You are a very wise woman. And you write so well I can feel your love for j all the way over here in Arizona. Amazing.

[Holly H.]

such a beautiful post - I hope he reads this. You are so strong Steph.

[Jenny J]

I admit I did tear up while reading this because I know all those feelings. Being an army wife, I definately have a new respect for them. Thank you for sharing. I admire your strength.

[Tara LeClaire]

Beautiful post - thank you for sharing it.

[Christine F.]

Beautifully written - I am very moved.

I can think of no other words to say other than, thank you for posting this.

[Melissa]

WOW!! This is a beautiful love letter to your husband and your family. Thank you both for the sacrifices you make daily for the safety of our country and my family. God bless you.

[Lakisha]

Your post is amazing. I am at work trying not to cry...it was that beautiful. Thanks for sharing your story

[kate]

Hope things will be less testing for you as time passes, the rollercoaster of your love is exhilarating and exhausting. On the one hand I would probably love to be on it, but on the other hand the thrill would probably be too much. Thank you for taking me on this ride!

[Deanna Misner]

absolutely one of the most beautiful "love" posts ever. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

[Dana]

NORMALLY, I am just a lurker, I am a scrapbooker as well, mom of 3, wife, and so much more. LOL But, when I read this post, I could not stop CRYING. Really touching and I just had to come out of hiding, and tell you that YOU ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN!

[Annie]

So very perfectly said!

[Jayna]

Wow.

[laurie]

You make me cry every time you write one of these posts. beautiful

[Mary Beth]

Amazing...you put into words something I've been wondering how I'm going to be able to do in the near future. Absolutely beautiful. Thank you :)

[christina rayevich]

this made me smile & almost cry this morning =) What a beautiful & timeless love story.
xo

[Pat Cloud]

Beautiful words, thoughts and pictures. Thanks for sharing!

[krista]

K-not a soliders wife but a wife none the less and what you said really touched my heart. It made me cry actually. Such a lovely blog love letter to your husband and your family! :)

[berta]

Your posts from the heart are always the best. I have been married 32 years (on 2/16) and my hubby has always been around. I can't imagine how it would be if he was gone like J is, so often. My hubby is having surgery this am, and we talked about the what if's. I could not imagine how hard it would be, like with you and J. I am inspired by your strength!

[laurie lariviere]

omg, Stephanie, I am in the middle of an ugly cry right now, that was so beautiful! I hope you never, ever have to experience the worst thing ever. You two are lucky to have each other, lucky to have your girls and the life you have, we only get one life and it's a scary roller coaster ride isn't it? I guess we all have to just take it one day at at time, thanks for sharing this, makes me appreciate my hubby even more :)

[Victoria]

Beautifully said.

[Wendi K]

Unless you are a military spouse, you will never understand our lives. I love how you can put everything I feel down in a blog. When someone says "Are you in the Navy?" I always say "yes" because we might as well be serving. We have no say of where we are going or when but we do it because we love our sailor/soldier. Bless you Stephanie and your precious family.

[Steph H]

I should know better than to read posts like this in the midst of pregnancy hormones. You are beautiful, this is beautiful, and your family is beautiful. Love you!

[Amanda S.]

What a beautiful post. Not everyone can pour out their heart out let alone in "public" like this. Thank you for reminding us that life is short and we should hold the ones we love close. <3

[Kristi K]

Dagnabit, now I'm teary-eyed at work and can't explain why... this post came out beautifully! You have more wisdom than most by living in the now... loving in the now. Don't dwell on the mistakes of the past, think of them as lessons instead. You are a uniquely beautiful, loving and loved person. I enjoy everything you post, crafts, love, motherhood and life. Don't change one little bit.

[Julie]

So beautiful! I can relate in so many ways. I grew up a military brat & married an airmen when I was 21. I remember telling my dad that I was dating a man in the Air Force & him saying "you know what this life entails....are you sure you want that?" and I remember telling him "I want a life with him! Whatever that entails!" 14 years later we have weathered a lot as well (deployments, moves w/30 days notice, 2 girls diagnosed on the autism spectrum, and the death of his father) but I would do it all over again. I love this man with every fiber of my being!

Thank you for sharing a glimpse into not only your world, but our's as well!

Many blessings on your family!

[kate sade]

absolutely beautiful... choked up on this side of the screen...

[gabby]

you
and he
the two of you
and your family....
define amazing.
love you all.
xoxox.

[angela ezzell]

I'm crying in my cubicle!

Amazing post, Stephanie. I love reading about y'alls' story.

[stephanie b.]

reading your posts like this one pulls at my heartstrings.. This post says so much so well. I wish I had the gift that you do to open my heart and let my emotions flow out. God bless you, your girls and your soldier.

[mandyb]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[diana]

Thanks for sharing this post.

[krys72599]

What lovely words. I want so badly to write something with this degree of emotion about my husband and about my dad (he passed away in 1987 and I have YET to be able to do a scrapbook page about him).
I feel the feelings, I know the love you're talking about, even though it is not tinged with the fear you live with on an almost daily basis.
But I can't find the words.
I'll read your post to my husband tonight. Maybe he'll figure it out for himself.
Or maybe we'll find our words together.

[tara pollard pakosta]

Now if we all just applied this to our marriages (I truly try to), life would be even more beautiful!
I LOVED this stephanie, you are an amazing woman, he is so blessed to have you for his wife. NOt everyone is meant to be A soldier's wife, but you are....
tara

[Laura]

Beautiful...you are amazing writer...so touching. Thank you for sharing :)

[Melissa]

Your post is so beautiful! Thank you for sharing your heart.

[Janna]

This is BEAUTIFUL!!! Simply and totally. BEAUTIFUL!

[Michelle]

Thank you for sharing your heart, Stephanie!

[Linda E]

Beautifully said, Stephanie! J is a lucky man...but I think he knows that! Blessings to both of you and your wonderful family.

[Michele H.]

this is so wonderfully written stephanie! literally gives me goosebumps.

[Kimber-Leigh]

this may be one of my favorite things you've written. beautiful, heartfelt, bittersweet, poignant, amazing. what a precious gift to jimmy, and a precious gift for your girls one day, to be able to read of the amazing love their parents share. thank you steph.

[Carin]

OMGoodness you have me blubbing again! What a beautiful post, you two make such a beautiful couple :)

[Elisa]

wordless
:)

[Amanda]

Oh my word, this is a beautiful post!

[Margaet]

Oh you nailed it! I wish every girl who is marrying a soldier could read your words.

[Mariah]

Beautiful!

[Susan]

You touched a place deep in my heart and said in beautiful words so much of what I have felt. I too have loved a soldier, thank you for sharing your heart and reminding me that the severity of the pain of loss is equally measured by the joy of the love that we shared. God bless you and your family, and thank you, each of you, for your service to this country.

[missy]

Love this. Awesome post. Awesome photos. You've inspired me to love my husband "better "

[Deb]

wow, what an absolutely beautiful post. I'm in tears at my computer! Take care xx

[kelly]

i have no idea because we are farmers and live and work together all the time. your writing made me cry because your love is so strong and you are so strong and i love my bruce in just the same way you love...i just don't have the fear and my heart aches for the fear you must live with.

[Rita]

Very touching and loving post, Stephanie. Your soldier is so blessed to have you.

[Tammy]

Beautiful post Stephanie...excuse while I go mop the tears off my face.. ;) Thanks for sharing such a wonderful part of you with us :)

[Sharon Osborn]

I just love it when you share your soul...

[Jamie Greene]

THis is such a beautiful post! I am also married to a Military man. I was only 18 when we got married and now 3 kids and 16 years later I can relate to so much of your post. Thank you so much for sharing!!:)