*love*ly things - loving a soldier.

forgive me if this post is a bit all over the place. i didn't even know where to begin...and i certainly didn't know where to stop. i just kind of wrote from my heart. hopefully it's not to scatterbrained. :)

i fell in love with a boy from west point when i was 23 years old. i didn't know much about him. i just new i loved his squinty brown eyes. and his smile. and the cleft in his chin. and the way he made me feel.

 

i certainly didn't know what our love story would entail. i didn't know that the road ahead of us would include four little girls, six duty stations, four states, eight moves, eight homes, seven (on the brink of eight) deployments.

 

i didn't know that we would weather some of the scariest times i could imagine.

 

i didn't know that i'd have his baby girl without him there.

i didn't know that there would be months that i thought i might never see him again.

i just knew he made me happy.

it was 2000.

 

there was no war. no september 11. no operation enduring freedom,no operation iraqi freedom. no one even really know what the word "deployed" meant. no imminent danger.

 

just us.

we had a pretty good relationship. a little drama (mostly caused by having a long-distance relationship) but a  lot of love.

but i took him for granted. i took our time together for granted. we fought over the silliest things. i held the stupidest grudges.

i remember taking him to the dallas airport and dropping him off...and crying so hard on the way back to the car. crying so hard i couldn't see straight.

i thought it was the worst thing ever.

 

i had no idea.

then came september 11. things changed. my safety net ripped. my bubble popped. my safe little world was turned upside down. suddenly this loving a soldier thing? took on a whole new meaning.

 

i was scared.

but oh my goodness did i love him. he loved me...he made me feel like the center of the universe. he made me feel beautiful.i made him laugh. i gave him stability. we fit together.

i didn't know what was ahead of us, but i wasn't letting go.

we got engaged, and spent the first part of our engagement apart. he was in ranger school.

i thought it was the hardest thing ever.

 

i had no idea.

i planned a beautiful west point wedding. i found the dress,the flowers, the women who would stand by my side.

j made it through ranger school and broke the news that our west point wedding wasn't going to happen. you see...he wasn't going to be in the US. he was going to be in afghanistan.

we planned the wedding in a week.

three months later he left for almost a year in afghanistan. no emails, no skype. not many phone calls. just hand written letters. i still have every single one.

how do you love someone who is halfway across the world? you write them letters telling them the mundane. telling them the big things. you write them letters listing all the things you love about them, while fighting back the tears and lying with your pen and saying you are "fine". truth is i wasn't fine. i was very naive. i still didn't know how to have a marriage, let alone how to do it during a deployment.

but we figured it out.

you know what i figured out?

 

it's not about me. or even about him. it's about us.

it's about something bigger, more complicated, more selfless. it's about the choice he has made to do what he does.

love is about sacrifice. i have learned that our love is complicated.

our loves spans miles and years and continents and moments. some moments he is there for, some he is not.

but he is never far from me because he is in my heart. he is just as much a part of me as i am. he is imprinted on my soul.

how do you love someone when you live from moment to moment wondering if they are alive? when you survive from email to email? feeling a sense of relief each time you hear from him but also looking ahead to the next time you hear? how do you love someone who is gone more than he is next to you?

 

you pray.

you pray and hold on tight. and you tell him you love him. you hold tight to him when he is here. you tell him you are proud of him.

when he comes home you hold him so tight he can't breathe. you breathe him in to try to memorize it for next time he is gone.

we have had six deployments and four children since that first deployment. i have learned so much. i know my husband like i've never known anyone. i can read my husband in a look. i love him in a way that is both terrifying and exhilarating.

we have had some beautiful moments. conversly we have had some excruciatingly terrifying moments. some of those moments felt like the worst thing ever.

but truth be told?

i've never experienced the worst thing ever.

 

and every day we are apart i pray that i will never have to know that pain.

 

loving jimmy is like being in a constant free fall. nothing is guaranteed. we only have the time we have together now.

we love with all of our hearts. argue with all of our hearts. trust with all of our hearts.

we build memories. we make babies. we make promises. these are the things that bind us when he is away.

 
i don't take our time together for granted anymore. i relish it. savor it. see it for what it is, even when we are driving each other nuts. it's a gift.

 

how do you love a soldier?

with everything you have. you love him knowing that loving him is the only thing you can EVER be certain of in the life you lead.

you love him knowing that sometimes it will be all you have to cling to.

you love him because he is your heart.

 

source unknown

 

 

Comments

[Debbie P]

Excellent post Stephanie. I don't know how you do it. Stay strong!

[Jules Hollis]

Beautiful post. Teared up at the picture of Jimmy coming home. Your love for your soldier always shines.

[Linnea]

Beautiful, Stephanie! I'm sharing this with a good friend of mine who will see her husband's first deployment in just a couple short seasons. Thank you for affirming both your marriage and the other military couples who suffer so much for the good of our country. God bless you!

[Linda]

Absolutely beautiful!

[Lyndsay]

That was beautiful!

[Elizabeth Gardner]

Wow. You are one incredible woman. The candid honesty is just captivating. What a beautiful story. My heart wrenched for you and your family but I can tell in reading it that you will persevere, come what may, you seem to find a way. I love what you wrote. It made me take a step back and think of my situation....sometimes I think it's really difficult. I wish it were better in a lot of ways. easier. But I take things for granted. Although I feel I express how much I love my husband daily...I know I can do better.I have no doubt that I will fall short because life gets in the way, but I should try to enjoy every moment with him. Because we both deserve that and the rest is just, the rest.

[sam]

your love is beautiful:)

[andrea smith]

that was really beautiful. thanks for sharing your heart with us! :)

[Sue I.]

Thank you. For sharing, for the sacrifices you, your soldier and your 4 little chicks (and all the other soldiers and their families) make for us, and for making me realize how much I take for granted.

[Acompton]

my heart aches with happiness and peace.

[Debra]

I have no words, only tears. Thanks for writing that today.

[Danielle]

LOVE.

[Michelle K]

A beautiful tribute to your soul mate...and thank you for allowing us to see you at your most vulnerable. It is why you are surrounded by so many of us who care about you and your story. Lots of love and hugs from the Great White North ;)

[Nicole]

oh Steph this is just beautiful and I am crying!! love you for sharing with us. hugs and lots of love for you and your chickies and J xo

[Kim S.]

wow. how beautiful! your girls will so appreciate this post some day. knowing exactly what is in their mama's heart and just how much she loves their daddy. I think he already knows ;)
Happy weekend!

[Kristine S]

Beautiful. Simply beautiful.

[Amy K]

This is incredibly moving and simply beautiful Stephanie. As always, the way you share your heart is an inspiration.
Blessings...

[Margie Visnick]

Beautiful...and perfect!

[Gayle W.]

This is so touching. So beautiful. And I'm glad you "didn't know where to stop", because I didn't want it to end. The photo of you on the phone moments after giving birth? Tugged at my heart so hard. Thanks for sharing this with us and thank you all for your service and your sacrifices. xoxo

[Bessie Segal]

Such a beautiful & moving post.
You are a very strong & wise young woman & your writing reflects that.
May you all go from strength to strength & continue to be safe.
With much admiration, Bessie.

[Becky Andersen]

You just summed up my life as an Army wife! :)

[Jessica B]

such a beautiful post...

[virginia]

so well said. and you are so right about how marriage is a choice- i have felt that way since I was engaged and i really feel that it is such a good constant reminder when you are frustrated/annoyed/mad etc - you have chosen this person and this relationship and everyday you make choices to support that.

[Christa Hamilton]

That was a beautiful uplifting post. I wish all married couples could read that to know what real sacrafice is and not to complain about the little things. Thanks for sharing your feelings!

[Keshet.starr@gmail.com]

This is beautiful, Stephanie.

[Alana]

WOW...that just made me cry....beautiful. You are very good at getting your true thoughts down on paper!

[Chris]

a very beautiful, heartfelt post. I've been married to my Marine for almost 18 years now, and can totally relate to how each time I think we've faced the worst, I had no idea. And how right you are that we still haven't faced the absolute worst. I wish the years and deployments and tours were getting easier, they aren't. I wish the roller coaster ride was getting smoother, it isn't. But I wouldn't have it any other way! Blessings to you and your precious family. Hang in there.

[Lori Borntreger]

Such a beautiful post!!!! I'm sitting her teary eyed...

[Corey Brock]

This is such a beautiful post! I have tears in my eyes! Thank you both for doing what you do and for being such a great example of what love is all about!

[Serene]

I'm seeing the monitor through welled-up eyes because you've touched my heart...yet again. What a "love"ly post. Thank you!!!

[lindsey]

be still my heart.
thank you for reminding me there ARE marriages out there that have LOVE in them.

thanks for everything you put out into the world.

[Alison]

What a beautiful post. I have tears while reading it, thank you for sharing

[Heather Moll]

this is beautiful.

[Natalie]

Beautiful!

[elizabeth rosemond]

I saw the title of this post on Twitter the other day, and I KNEW I wasn't ready to read it. I needed to wait because I knew that I was going to bawl my eyes out.

I was right.

I have to share something with you. Right after I had little Michael, my husband took an assignment in ICELAND. He would go for weeks on end, and I was home with a teenager, a toddler and a newborn. It felt impossible; truly. BUT, I would often think about you (and other amazing military wives). What you do and how you love your family gives me so much strength...and hope.

xoxo

[Mary K]

You have an amazing way with words. I think you made a serious chunk of the women of American cry. I'm proud to say, I'm part of that group.

[caroline hancock]

all i can say is you made me cry, what an awesome post :)

[micheleomega]

oh, steph. this is just lovely. and truthful. and raw. and amazing. i was so hoping you wouldn't have to get back on another of these journeys so soon. sending up all sorts of prayers that jimmy continues to be surrounded by angels and blessings and the love of his girls until the day he gets home.

[ginny]

This has to be the most beautiful heartfelt story you have ever posted. I was crying by the 2nd sentence. Jimmy is very lucky to have you. He is a wonderful brave man but without you he could not live the life he does. The two of you make a whole & watching the 2 of you with your girls is an inspiration. Thank him for everything he does for everyone in this wonderful country of ours & thank you,Stephanie,for letting him.

[Renee S.]

Thank you to your husband and your family for the sacrifices you make for all of us.

[Kimberly Garofolo]

This is the most BEAUTIFUL post I've ever read! You are blessed...in EVERY way! You are a BLESSING to other's...in how you share, and write, and live life transparently. Thank you for sharing...and I LOVE being your friend! Your photographs are GORGEOUS...your family is PRECIOUS...and YOU are BEAUTIFUL and so real!
xoxo
Loves,
K

[Marina Haddad]

I really can't imagine what it's like, to love a soldier, but reading what you wrote, made so much sense it made me cry!
This is a trully beautiful post.

[Sonja]

What a wonderful loveletter! Thanks!

[Jill Sprott]

You, my dear, are incredible.

[{amy k.}]

i found your blog via elise and the guest post she did. i am a newlywed army wife and reading this gives me the type of pit in my stomach i don't want to experience. but, i know it's part of my life now. and that it is about us... and we have to be strong together. knowing that our love is so unbreakable makes being strong seem a tad bit easier. thanks for this post!

[Donnna]

That was a truely beautiful post...Just like so many of your others... I really really do love every single post.