What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say {but want to say something}

 

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Note: I wrote most of this post a month ago. Since then, I've gotten distracted a dozen times. I've added a little here and there and then I forgot about it. Then I read a great blog post. I want to thank Elise for her excellent post and for inspiring me to finish mine. 

 

I've written a lot about hurtful words. About how it feels when someone says something unintentionally and about how we should weigh and measure our words. I've talked about accountability and perspective and all that good stuff. 

I've gotten some flak for it over the years. Some say I'm too sensitive, that others are just trying to connect and that I shouldn't take everything so personally. Sometimes they were right. It's hard when you are in those hormonal, overwhelming new mom days. It's hard whether its one baby or twin babies. Whether it's your first or your fourth. It's freaking hard.

Have you ever seen a new mom or dad (or a seasoned mom/dad) and wanted to just connect? To just talk to her but you weren't sure what to say? If so, that.is.awesome. It can be so lonely and just so MUCH. 

Those days when you haven't talked to anyone over three years old and you don't have any support...they're hard.

But just blurting something/anything out isn't so awesome.

 

The whole "four girls? Man! Glad I'm not you!" yes...Jimmy gets this one often. The "better you than me" thing?  The looks of annoyance at a new baby that is crying?

The looks of disgust when a new mom has more than one kid and one (or more)  is acting up and the baby is screaming and she looks like she is going to just sob? The "you've got your hands full" comment in this scenario?

The "just wait until they are all teenagers! glad i'm not you!"

Yeah. Can we stop that crap? Or at least just think it, as opposed to saying it?

These are all things that have either happened to me or things that I've witnessed happening to someone else.

 

There are (in my opinion) two options for such scenarios. And they are pretty simple.

1. You are doing a great job. How can I help?

2. Just don't say anything. A smile of encouragement can be just as helpful.

 

Listen. There are jobs harder than motherhood. I don't expect a badge of honor or sainthood for doing my job. But compassion is always good.

Always.

Sidenote:Recently I saw someone on FB say something like "Ugh. Why are there all of these blogs on motherhood? So much validation. Our mothers didn't need crap like that to survive."

You know what? Our mothers felt alone too. Our mothers didn't know what the hell they were doing sometimes. They wanted to scream and cry too. And they would have appreciated kindess too. How cool is it that we have the Internet to connect and encourage us now?

 

So here's the deal. If you don't know what to say...just take a second to think about how the mom (or dad) you see might be feeling.

I've been guilty (many times) of trying to connect with someone and just saying something...anything to do so.

 

My favorite thing to do is offer to help. Carry something, hold a baby, pick up something. Lots of times they probably think I am a total creeper/weirdo. But lots of times they don't. And they just look relieved at realizing they aren't invisible.

Another helpful phrase is you are going to be okay or it gets better. Y'all..I literally do not remember the first year after Cate and Lucy were born. I don't. I look at the pictures...I know I was there...but I don't remember.

I DO remember they guy that told me "Your hands are full!" as he let the door slam in my face. I do remember the "Oh, poor you" from a cashier.

Those things stick.

Wouldn't be awesome if there were so many uplifting and encouraging comments that those were the things that stuck?

Let your kind words stick today. We Rise By Uplifting Others.

Love that.

xoxo

Comments

[Candy]

Those early years... I have no memories either. They say it is from a total lack of sleep interfering with our ability to store those memories. But I do remember wanting to divorce the whole world. But then who would take care of the kids? All I know is that the more time you spend directly with the kids, the better they will turn out as adults... safe, secure, confident adults. It is all worth it.

[Glenda]

My daughter is mom to a beautiful 9 month old boy. She has a great support system of friends and family but she also gets great advice from mommy blogs. She belongs to groups via the web where they help out other families who might need formula or diapers and can't get out of the house or they don't have the money until the end of the week. I am amazed at the generosity of these women helping each other whether by offering advice or material things. There will always be judgmental people out there but I do think that there are more helpful, caring people as well. You are an inspiration, please keep doing what you do.

[Linda E]

I agree with Candy. It is hard. But it pays off in dividends like no other job in the world. And telling someone they are doing a good job can mean so much. Like the time my neighbor came up to me and told me that my 19-year-old was a polite young man who he truly enjoyed talking to! I wanted to gush! Or the day my son came up to me and said, "thanks for pushing me in high school; it's paying off now that I am in college." I was prouder than a peacock! There were so many days that were hard; that could have been easier if I had taken the easy way out. But, I signed on to be a parent. And, while I didn't have the support of online friends when my kids were young, I truly appreciate their words now! And, it doesn't even have to be words. Holding the door open for a mom who has her hands full may be all it takes to make her day. I know that used to make mine! The world needs a little more kindness--for moms, for dads and for our kids!

[Christina]

Thank you for your words. I always love reading them. I am expecting twins next june and so many times when I tell someone that there will be 2 babies (when they start looking at my already huge belly!!) I hear things like "oh my god", "that will be soooo hard", "poor you" or just "oooohhhh!!" . I never really know what to answer because I know all of that, I know that it will be hard. Can I be happy anyway? Can´t they just say " I am happy for you and if you need any help just tell me" ?
I have times when I am so scared about what is coming but when I read about your sweet girls I feel so happy for this opportunity. So thank you again for your honest and kind words.
Greetings from Germany
Christina

[Jacqueline R]

As always, thank you so much for sharing your words and heart!

[Cathy]

Yes. Yes. and Yes. Love you girl!

[Allison]

Those negative Nelly's......maybe they are just jealous!!! All those sweet girls....Beautifully written post!

[Michelle Wedertz]

Agree with you 1oo%. A little bit of kindness goes a long way and as shy as I am, I have no problem asking a mother or anyone else if they need help. Just the other day I stood in line at the supermarket and made funny faces at a fussy baby while her mom was trying to get through the checkout line. I firmly believe that if we were ALL a little bit kinder the world might just be a different place. It always sort of cracks me up/annoys me when adults give me the "scared" look when I board a plane with my little ones (2 & 4) or sit down at a restaurant, ect.. It's like they do not remember having kids or being kids themselves. And it is always so great when you find the adult who does remember and offers to help or simply smile and talks to the girls.

[Angie U]

Love this! Mom to 4 boys...including twins.
I cant tell you the number of times I've heard, "oh my, I'm so glad I don't have all boys" or "You poor thing". Really?
They are now 27, 24.5, 23 & 23...yes, life was very crazy for a few years! I didnt love every minute of it, but man I wouldn't have traded those 4 little guys for all the girls in the neighborhood.
I hope I am the woman who offers the tender smile to the mom with a baby in a carrier while pushing a double stroller, I hope I am the woman who says, "good for you, great job", I will keep trying and act on those times I'm thinking it. Thanks Stephanie...and good job with those beautiful girls of yours!

[Courtney]

I feel like it's really hard sometimes to be empathetic towards what other people may be going through. I'm struggling with infertility and I still read your blog and Elise's blog and it's HARD to constantly hear how great certain things (Christmas, Disneyland, whatever) is through the eyes of a child and how much children make a huge positive difference in your lives. I can't imagine not reading your blogs because I've followed ya'll for so long that it would be weird to not stay "caught up" but at the same time it makes me bitter sometime. I remember a birthday party I was at this last summer and someone was going on and on about how great being a parent is and all the wonderful things in her life because of her daughter, it hurt. Later that same day her daughter was screaming about something or another and the mom said, oh yeah, the parenting books say it's just a phase and I said back, yeah a phase that doesn't end for 16 years... which wasn't nice or kind or compassionate but I was hurting from things she had said earlier. I guess my point is, we can never know what other people are going through and what causes them to behave the way that they do. Compassion should always win out, but sometimes bitterness and anger because of our own situation clouds that compassion.

[Audrey]

Absolutely:)
I am a mom to 4 boys, one of which uses a wheelchair. I hear the "you have your hands full" comment all the time (insert eye roll here). Thank you for the reminder to pay it forward. My boys range in age from 4 to 12 now and it's so much easier. Whenever I see a mom juggling babies and toddlers, I just want to jump in and help because I remember those days. I usually just smile and don't want to seem creepy. I think I'll just go for it next time because I would have loved if someone had done that for me.

[Stephanie Howell]

Absolutely. And this is something I tell my girls often. You NEVER know what kind of a day a person is having or what battles they are facing. Compassion and kindness go a long, long way in any situation. We work hard on empathy in this family and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling and I'm sorry that I unintentionally contribute to that. Sending you big hugs and love.

[Kris Noorman]

Great post today. I have very vague memories of my children's first years, too. It was hard and so exhausting. I'm really trying to teach my kids that kind words are so important because those negative, thoughtless comments really do stick and they can be so discouraging. Stephanie, I only know you from what you share here on your blog and instagram, so I can't possibly know what the reality of your mommy days are like, but I'm 100% positive that you are doing an amazing job with those girls. :) Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

[Christine F.]

We talked about being thoughtful with our words/reactions in my Bible study last night - we were reading about Abigail in 1 Samuel 25. Abigail cogitates (thinks deeply/thoughtfully) before she speaks and is able to avert a crisis between David and her husband. Amazing what can happen when people STOP and think before reacting.

On another note, I found myself saying "you have your hands full" to someone with twin babies...and I immediately thought of you and how that's not a helpful comment, whether you think you're being kind or not....and so I said, "I'm sorry, that was rude. I really mean, you are doubly blessed and have your hearts full. How wonderful for you." She smiled in response. I am grateful that I've read your blog for so long so that I could correct a stupid comment!

Love this post, by the way!

[Courtney]

And that is why you are a great mom and a great person and why I keep following you. :)

[betsy]

oh yes Steph! When I was a teenager and at church with my family someone stopped my mother and said "You have a beautiful family!" I remember the smile on my mom's face and could almost hear her think "I needed that!"

Many years later, a stranger said something nice about my own family and I remember how good it made me feel and how much I really needed to hear that then.

Now I look for the chance to pass it on - ESPECIALLY if someone's having a particularly hard time with the kids. I'll find something beautiful and positive to say.

[CJ]

What a beautifully written post Stephanie, you are so right. And I remember well your posts from when Cate and Lucy were tiny. I thought you were so amazing. Still do. And I told my friend about you when she was pregnant with her twins. And I told her how fantastic it was that she would have four boys. No doubt she has similar remarks to you, I know I do with three boys. People say, "Three boys" and then kind of suck in their breath. But like you, I love the fun and the madness. Nothing finer. Stephanie, you do such an incredibly good job as a mum, even when the doors aren't held open for you. And as to having four girls. Lucky you. And three boys. Lucky me. It's all good. CJ xx

[ginny]

Thank you. I love children & often want to offer a helping hand but am afraid they'll be offended. I think I'll offer more often!

[Missy C]

Whenever I get the comment "you've got your hands full" I look at the person, give a big smile and say, "you should see my heart"
Read that response somewhere and have used it often :)
Nicely written post Stephanie!

[Tina]

Thank you. I'm not a Mom and I don't always get it. This advice helps, and you ARE doing a great job!

[susan h.]

I had to work once my kids were in school, with no college education to back me up so I worked full time, went to college full time, divorced my lazy ass excuse for a husband and got it done. I did everything possible to earn enough to take care of them and ended up making lots of money. I treasured every moment I have had with them.
Motherhood and Fatherhood is the most challenging, important, and rewarding thing you can do ever.

[Claire Cummings]

Well, I think you are awesome, Stephanie. Four young children, a husband who is often away, living in a foreign country and you still have your sense of humour (and your figure!) :) Oh, and you write a blog. Seriously - you and your family brighten the lives of so many others. I have two (big) kids and I struggled when they were little (husband always working) - I DO remember and try to help young mums (lift prams, open doors etc) - parenthood is a challenge, alright!

[Helen]

I think this applies not just to Mums/Dads with their hands full but to everyone....I heard this phrase a while ago, and it's stuck with me, helping me be kinder, more compassionate to all those around me: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"

[Raquel]

I love this! I'm a newish mom, my daughter will be 2 in May. Sometimes when she starts acting up in stores I get flustered and start sweating because I thinnk, omg, we're going to disturb someone. It's so silly that I care what others will think if me and my out of control" child. But really, she's a baby and she's not that bad. Who cares what other people think? My husband is in the Military and I've been an Army wife for a long time and from my experience and just sitting back and watching and listening is, there seems to be a lot competing against eachother. I criinge when someone asks me what I do and I say that I am a SAHM. Makes me feel like they are thinking that I just depend on my husband for everything, he works and I just have babies. But I agree, lend a helping hand or just don't say anything at all.

[mara]

We rise by uplifting others is SO on point.
I traveled to Mexico with Simon recently and he didn't nap for most of the day. When we arrived they didn't have the right car seat for us. I stood in Hertz ready to cry when another woman said, "I was right where you are 2 years ago. You'll figure it out. I made my husband go buy a new car seat too. If you feel good, you did the right thing." OH how that made me feel better. Validated for thinking I was nuts for sending my husband to buy a car seat b/c I wasn't comfortable with the one we were handed. My mom instincts were tested and then I felt the love of a fellow mom who told me it would be ok. She will never know how much I needed that, standing alone with Simon in the middle of a Mexican car rental, no naps, no food (for me) and just feeling overly emotional and frustrated. You've got such a big heart Steph. Thanks for the reminder to reach out in kindness instead of judgement. xx.

[Rebecca]

When my teenage daughters were a baby & a toddler and we in the grocery store having a hard time - a woman said to me w/ a smile that some of my days parenting would be so long, but the years would go fast. She pushed my cart to the car while I carried two crying
girls. My girls are now 17 & 19 and she was right! I've never forgotten that & try to pass on the same advice at times. Motherhood is wonderful, but it's so very challenging at times!! We need to be supportive of each other.

[Bonnie]

I don't mind "you have your hands full" when it's followed by "can I help you" or "you're doing a great job". My youngest (of 3) is a handful all by herself. She is a few months younger than Cate and Lucy and the last year or so has been challenging. I've gotten eye-rolls, smiles and everything in between. It's amazing how wonderful the smiles and kind words are. Especially when I had all 3 kids with me at Target on a school day morning, buying several lice removal kits!

[Nirupama]

I was carrying two sleeping children into a place one day and Some guy told me that "your hands are full" and I replied yeah, they are. Mind holding the door ? He was totally taken aback, but he did it.

[Jessica L]

You're are speaking to me today! Especially your words about the redundant and annoying comments you receive about having four girls. I'm 4 months pregnant with my first. It took me years to become pregnant, it took a lot of money (enough for a down payment on a house), it took more tears of pain and tears of hope then I even knew I had. Now that my pregnancy is becoming obvious to the world, I am constantly getting the "get all the sleep you can now", "enjoy your alone time time now", "you'll never have time to scrapbook now" comments... Really, I am so over hearing these comments. Yes, I know there is some truth to them. Yes, I know that there are things I won't truly understand until I hold my baby in my arms, but shit, I've been around kids my entire life. I've listened to my friends complain about parenting for years. I know what's coming. I don't need to be told with every conversation. Just congratulate me and tell me how wonderful my life is going to become. Let me experience the joy of pregnancy and the anticipation of motherhood without your negative views and cautionary tales. That is all.

[Tena Kline]

Christina, from your kind words I can tell you will be an amazing mother. There will be hard time but there will be many times of great joy. It will be an amazing ride. Take lots of pictures of the good days and the rough ones so that a few years down the road you can laugh and have evidence when the get bigger. The time seems to go slowly but when you look back you will wonder where the time went. Again, you will do wonderfully, you have already started. Hugs, from a great grandmother!

[Krista Noorman]

Came across this verse today while reading through Proverbs in my Bible and it made me think of your post.

"Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."
Proverbs 16:24

:)

[Jen Strange]

I think "they're beautiful" is a good option.

[Sartusa1]

I'm sorry you hear that about having four girls! I also have four girls and the last time someone asked me how many kids I had and gender it was my doctor. When I told him his response was "You are very lucky- there must be a lot of love in your house" I though that was so sweet. And true! People who have four girls know how lucky they are, seriously, especially as they age and you are out of the fog of having littles! You are doing a great job and your family is precious!