Déjà Vu

 

Hi everyone!! I've had this post on my mind (just like the post where I tell you about Cora's birth story) for the past three weeks. And I figured it was time I took the time to type it out.

I've been a mom for almost ten years. And it's funny. I think I had mommy amnesia for every stage.

Me before Cora:

Oh- I'll be able to get through Cora's birth without an epidural! (turned out being right on this one but it was a close call) It doesn't hurt that much anyway (WRONG).

It's not THAT difficult to have a newborn. It will be a piece of cake this time! (WRONG).

Oh, breastfeeding will be a SNAP with just one. I don't need support. Or a pump. Or bottles or anything just in case. This will be a cinch! (WRONG!)

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Wroooooooong.

Man, look at that sweet face. I love her SO much.

But let me tell you something. It doesn't matter that this is my fifth time. This new mom stuff is HARD AS HELL.

Picture me with my head on my best friend's shoulder (she's an amazing pediatric nurse) crying my heart out because Cora LOST WEIGHT after me nursing her every hour for five days while I pumped on the other side and then fed her that.

I cried and cried and cried.

I felt like a failure. And it broke my heart. And it doesn't matter that this isn't my first rodeo and that I KNEW we would survive. It didn't matter that I damn well know that I'm not a failure as a mom. And that my worth as a woman and a mother doesn't depend on how successful I am at breastfeeding.

It hurt.

If you are reading this and you are struggling with sleepless nights and weigh ins and pressure from others, I want you to know this.

YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP AND CRY IF YOU NEED TO AND ADMIT YOU ARE OVERWHELMED.

It is scary. And exhausting. And I feel lost every day.

And then it came back to me. Mommy déjà vu.

I have felt this way

every.

single.

time.

 

Every time I feel like I'm walking with a blindfold on.
Every time I am too hard on myself and every time I care too much what everyone else is doing and the path that everyone else is walking.

There's a big difference between having a child now and what it was like when I had Harper.

There's more information out there. Everyone is sharing their opinion and those opinions are right there all the time, thanks to social media. I feel like there is a lot more pressure now.

On the flip side- I am so much more relaxed as an "older mom". I am able to just hold Cora and love her and enjoy it.

That doesn't mean I'm not struggling and that it's not hard for me.

If you are reading this and YOU are struggling...know that it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing or saying or sharing their opinion about.

You do what works for YOU and YOUR family. That's what being a good mother is all about. Being a good mother is not about being perfect or being successful at everything you try. Failure happens. Learn from it and be gentle with yourself.

I'm telling myself these words every day.

 

Being a good mother and a good woman does not hinge on

bottle or breast

home or work

epidural or no epidural

baby wearing or stroller

co-sleeping or bassinet

organic or not

It just doesn't.

 

If you are reading this and you are in the thick of it...

I see you. You are a wonderful mom and this will pass.

And then you will be the one saying what a breeze it was (WRONG). And you will look at your beautiful, strong, smart, kind children and know all of this self-doubt and sleeplessness and uncertainty...

well it was all worth it.

xoxo

 

Comments

[Sarah Wilkins]

So true! Well done for being so honest! Big hugs to you all X X X

[Gaby Duclos]

Oh so much Yes!! I did both bottle and breast.... I prayed my kids would take a paci.... I co slept with them... Anything you need to do to survive and have your baby thrive. Do whatever you need you need to do. Women need to support one another and not judge the decisions mothers make.

I love your photos and love your story. Thank you for sharing your life with us.

Hugs to your girls.

[Betty Avalos]

Reading this while sleep deprived and nursing my 5 week old...this post absolutely made me smile! Thankful for your words! This is my fourth baby (and last). I have to remind myself every day that this time passes all to quickly and to enjoy every moment. BTW I think you're amazing!

[Amy Coose]

Perfectly written, and she looks SO MUCH like sweet Sadie! She's just beautiful.

[Tammy kay]

I never had any milk with Karigan, Lillie or Emme. I have no idea why but with each one it just broke my heart. I tried to feed them and with each the lactation consultants keep saying, it will come. Guess what? It didn't. No engorgement. Nothing. I gave up pretty easy with Karigan but I tried for five days with Lillie. Trying and crying. Finally I gave her formula in a medicine tube and she went to sleep instantly. She was starving. I started bottle feeding after that. Same thing with Emme. She lost almost a pound. The dr looked at me and said, you have to bottle feed this baby. He was gentle and kind. My body just doesn't do it for some reason. I envy those mothers that can and I longed for that closeness but, I had something even more special then they did. I gave it my all. I worked hard at it and tears fell over them but finally a peace came. And then after those few weeks it's always a distant memory. It just doesn't matter. I'm never going to be a crunchy mom or as natural as others. But I'm ok with that. I love the heck out of my kids. Even though, those memories still sting I honestly believe that God allows us to go through things like that so we can help others along the way. So we can look at other mothers in the eye and say, yes, I totally understand. Just like all my miscarriages. Hard. Damn hard. You have to do what is best for you. Love you, friend and wish I could burrow my nose

[Tammy kay]

In Cora's head of hair. That was a weird way to end. :))

[linda]

hot damn I love you. I love your honesty and your realness. I love your babies and girls, and how you raise them. You're an inspiration. As a mother, and a human being. I just adore you

[Lou Stiner]

I was there two years ago with my last little one. I had a (at the time) a 15 year old, 12 year old and a newborn, at the age of 36. I struggled for a while, feeling like a failure. He refused bottles. I made him take a pacifier (for my sanity). We co-slept at times. I started him on cereal early. I cried a lot the first year, feeling like a failure a lot of the time. I had to quite reading all of the forums out there and some Facebook posts, for my own sanity. Other Moms can be such harsh judges and can be so opinionated!

Two years later and I look at him and think of how lucky we all are! He's so sweet, so rambunctious, stubborn...loves going to "school", loves his big sister and brother.

Cora is a cutie (LOVE all of that hair!)!

[Mary R]

love you Steph!! you are doing an amazing job surviving! Cora doesn't judge, she just loves.

[Jess]

We do what we have to to survive. And screw sanctimommies. Nobody can do everything perfectly. Being a mom is so hard, but every single day I remind myself that I'm doing a great job and who cares if my kitchen is piled with dirty dishes or whatever. I snuggle my 15-month-old daughter hard these days because I have an older daughter turning 13 next week, and I've been blessed to see the bigger picture this time around. They are little for a blink.

[Kimberly W.]

I can't get over all of her hair! Just love it! You are an amazing mommy and woman! I love reading your blog! Sending lots of hugs!

[clippergirl]

Simply put. i love you. You are honest and inspiring.

Elizabeth

[Candy]

Awwwwwww.... well, I had no family to help me and that is a big plus for you. And breast feeding... well, had no help there either. So I had to give up. But I had preemies and they needed feeding every 1.5 hours. So I was a wreck. (The oldest is 23 and I am still alive). Your kids are very lucky to have you. Cora is so adorable. Sending hugs your way.

[Graciane112]

Thanks for your post.
I think we are similar in age, like you I gave birth recently. But... For me it's the first time. Many many thanks...

[Ki Kruk]

You simply amaze me! I love this post - your post will help many Moms, whether their first or fifth! Your honesty will have many reading and saying aloud "hey, that's me!" Such an inspiration Steph....keep being the wonderful you that you are! xo

[Maggie]

You are so right, it's a Deja vu. Now that my baby is 10 months old, I am detached from the emotional roller coaster of it all and we are back in a groove. I can conjur up the memories from after she was born.....my oldest (of 3) girl struggling and flipping out about things after baby came, being so tired, physical unexpected pains, etc....but it all goes away. I just kept thinking....one day she will be 3 months old and everything will be different, and then she will be 6 months and everything will be different again....and easier. Which was all true and you know that because you are a warrior woman!

[Mariangeles]

TFS your story. I'll be 39 weeks pregnant tomorrow, and I'm having an scheduled C section next week since our baby girl is not facing down. I'm scared, excited, etc but I know everything is going to be OK :) THANKS THANKS THANKS

[marianne b]

Sending you love and support. You are enough and are doing great! She is beautiful!

[asica]

beautiful words Stephanie :)

[Laura]

Awesome post, Stephanie. Huge :::high five::: to this: Being a good mother and a good woman does not hinge on bottle or breast home or work epidural or no epidural baby wearing or stroller co-sleeping or bassinet organic or not It just doesn't. Yes, yes, yes. Lots of love to you, your husband, and your beautiful flock of chickies.

[Kelly Fehr]

Good job Stephanie! Especially that last part. Don't care so much about getting it all right that you miss out on watching that special little one God has given you a front seat opportunity to see grow and become their own person. My 4 are in their 20s and 30s now and survived a year of macaroni and cheese and hotdogs almost every night, playing in the Georgia sun occasionally without sunscreen and eating nothing organic - I was glad when they ate a few fruits and veggies of any sort. They even drank milk before they were 1 because we couldn't afford formula. Guess what, they were the smartest kids in their class, have great imaginations and are incredibly talented in all sorts of ways. They are kind, compassionate, respectful and good people that others want to have as friends. At the end of the day, raising a child to love God and love others is the most important part of parenting.

[Keshet Starr]

Love love love this. It's so true, and so valuable to hear someone else talk about how hard it can actually be!

[Linda E]

My oldest was 3 1/5 weeks premature. I had to leave him in the hospital and go home without him. Thankfully it was for only two days. Many people asked me how I could do it and although it was hard on me, the decision was easy. It was for his health. We never really established a good feeding pattern and things just got worse when he came home. He weighed only 4 lbs. 5 oz. so I had to make a quick decision about breastfeeding. With the support of his pediatrician, I switched him to formula. When my daughter came along 3 years later, she latched on as if it was the most natural thing. Go figure. Today, they are both bright. She is applying to college and he just got accepted into grad school. Every mama does what's best for her baby. And, every baby is different. You are a terrific mom!

[Michelle Luck]

Thankyou for sharing. I was so sure that this time around (I have three little girls - you are my hero!) I would know what I was doing. I was insistent in all my pre-natal appointments that I didn't want pain medication during the birth, and I waved away the midwives who offered to help me with feeding, and as a result my last bub had trouble latching properly and I experienced so much pain, I was close to giving up after three days. There has been such a contradiction for me in the confidence that comes from knowing that you've done it before, that they will sleep eventually, that it will be okay, and in the extent to which all kids are different and things change, and you forget. It's been a good lesson for me in being humble and accepting help. Thankyou for sharing your story - you are wonderful.

[Susan]

I've so been there! Looking back I can laugh when I say I was a breastfeeding flunkie the first two times(the second time, I was so upset about it, cried for about two weeks). Number three breastfed for two years. Number four....supplemented as she, like Cora did not gain enough. Sigh. At 40 I thought I would breeze through the last one and be the tree-hugging mama. Guess what- the one who breastfed for two years has missed the most school out of all of my kids. Caught every bug that walked by her. All girls like you ;) You'll get through it and will have a special compassion and empathy for them as they grow up and things don't go perfectly (as it should be.) For us, it was also a way to share the love as the others, who were much older it seemed, loved to feed her the bottle as she looked into their smiling faces- I wouldn't trade that for the world! xoxo

[Jackee Garcia]

you are possibly the best mommy I know ( and I know some pretty great mommies!) I love hearing from you and seeing the girls grow into incredible people. Love and hugs to you!

[Jenni Hufford]

i wish i could go back almost ten years ago (!!) and read this for jonah or 7.5 years ago and read this for jordan. i LOVE how you encourage and cheer women on always!!! thanks for this. even if i have older kids. it's a reminder that in every stage we are doing our damn best.

[Emily Adams]

I"m not a mama but these are such great words. THESE are the kind of words we need to be saying to our friends and most of all - to ourselves!!

[Tena]

You could help but be a wonderful success! Such beautiful words!

[Vicky Wilbeck]

Beautifully said, sweet girl. (((huggy)))

[AngieF]

I love this post even though my girls are both in middle school. :) We all need reminders we need to do what's best for our family. Thanks!! I think you are amazing! Best to your sweet family!!

[Jess]

I commented yesterday and forgot to mention this. You may already know this, too...but figured I'd tell you anyway. I was taking Fenugreek supplements like crazy, and it really helped increase my milk supply. Also, Mother's Milk tea was helpful.

[Jen Mitchel]

Ahhhhhh! So much YES! I now have two under two and finally made some Army mom friends in our new duty station. They just had their first. They frequently ask me questions about mom stuff - feeding, poop, sleeping, teething...because I just went through all of this in the not so distant past! And sometimes I offer some insight that resonates with them (like wonder weeks) and sometimes I just commiserate with them in their first time momness. But what I'm not comfortable with is when they seem to think I'm an expert or something when all I do is offer an ear. And I'm like "DUDE, I'M STILL JUST MAKING IT ALL UP!" Follow your mama instincts through all the information available out there!

[Brenda]

Some people are so rude. When my sister in law had a caesarean with my niece, someone said to her "Oh, that's too bad you didn't have her naturally." My sister-in-law would look that person right in the eye and say "what do you mean "not naturally" - it's not like I knit her or anything". And then she would watch the rude person sputter and try to dig herself out of it. Ha.

[Elizabeth]

Lovely, Stephanie.

[JanM]

I'm just catching up and I went to send you all big huge CONGRATULATIONS! on the birth of baby Cora. You are doing wonderful, your girls are beautiful, and everything will work out just the way it's supposed to (my mom's saying). Hugs to you. Take care. Beautiful photos.

[Pat Cloud]

Your children are loved, healthy and have two wonderful parents. That is all that really matters. Take care of yourself and enjoy this last journey!

[Kim B.]

You are an amazing woman. Your ability to connect with people and to share love and encouragement even in the face of new-mom-with-fifth-child difficulties. Blessings to you and your family.

[Charity G.]

Not sure how I missed this post but I'm so glad I found it. What wise and encouraging words. Thank you!

[Jill]

Preach! I hear you.

[Meghan]

Love this and love you! You are a wonderful mom, and also a wonderful friend for reaching out like this to all the women who are struggling! And every mother is struggling at one point or another (or more!). Besides, if men can be great parents without epidurals or breastfeeding or staying home (although I do wish we had better parental leave available here), so can women. Your family is perfect just the way it is, at every stage :)

[Tara]

Thank you. I just had my third baby on the 15th of October and it's like I'm brand new at this whole motherhood thing. Again. It IS hard. And so sweet.

[Rebecca]

My kids are teens so I'm def past the stage you are in w/ yours. I'm sure you are a wonderful parent, just do whatever is best for you & yours. It will all fall into place and they will grow up very well loved & cared for. :)

[Beth H.]

This post -- this post is awesome and SO VERY important. I haven't been a new Mom in 16 years but I remember these feelings and I wish I'd read more that says what you are saying. Luckily I did have one good friend to help me regain my perspective. My husband could have used some first time Dad support to. It's just plain hard and also so beautiful! Thank you Stephanie!

"Being a good mother and a good woman does not hinge on

bottle or breast

home or work

epidural or no epidural

baby wearing or stroller

co-sleeping or bassinet

organic or not

It just doesn't."

[Lara Carson]

I am not a new mom. My children are grown, one in the Marines and one in college. I remember their births like it was yesterday, and how tough the first months were. The memories of the pain from giving birth has faded, but I distinctly remember the great fatigue and uncertainty of every little minute when they were tiny. Even though you know this will pass, you are feeling it right now, every minute, every second.....just do what you know to do and breathe and rest when you can.

I also remember, especially with my first one, all the well-meant advice I got, and the judgements and the "you should"....and I held to the advice of a philosophy professor gave us during college...."do not let anyone should upon you".... do what feels right for you and your family. Hugs to you. Xoxox......

[Sam]

You are awesome! And eeekkkk she looks like Sadie!

[Martha brown]

Girl you need to be fixed, you are Not going to have a boy, why keep trying? Maybe get a job? Are babies your stay at home security? Blah! I lost interest on this blog already. Good luck!

[Stephanie Howell]

Bye Felicia!!!

Sent from my iPhone

[Frontpoint Home Security Equipment]

The story sounds familiar to me... my kids do the same thing too. I get overwhelmed every time I remember the times when my kids are just little.