first and last days of kindergarten:
look how much she has grown! she looks so much taller,older,and so much more confident.
i've never been one to say "i'm sad" that she's growing. i think of all of my friends who have lost their children or cannot have children...i'm just grateful she's growing.so so so grateful.
and oh boy it makes my heart ache. it's bittersweet.
i think of walking her into that first day of kindergarten. i think of how she was clutching my hand, how she was so very nervous. i think of how she asked if i thought she'd make any friends.
then i think of her yesterday. and how i had a hard time getting her to leave. i think of how every student was hugging her. i think of how her teacher said she's the kindest student in class.
and today,just like that,i'm the mother of a first grader!
i am so proud of my girl. and i can't wait to see how she grows in first grade.
she really flew this year...i can't imagine what next year holds.
this past year i learned that elizabeth stone is dead right. this past year i let my heart go walking around outside my body.
and my heart came right back to me. beautiful,strong,and brave.
happy saturday.
xoxo
s
photo taken outside the olde pink house on harper's sixth birthday
This photo terrifies me.
Because she's six...but I see glimpses of sixteen. I can see what she will look like as a woman,and it makes my heart hurt.
The funny thing is,I can see myself looking back on this photo when she is sixteen and treasuring how little she was.
She is so beautiful.
Do you ever have moments like this with your children? Where you look at a captured image and see glimpses of the future?
It simultaneously thrills and terrifies me.
And when things like this happen,my heart says a quick prayer and it always sounds a little something like this..
Please Lord. Let me be there to see the real thing.
Every day I watch her grow is a privilege.
I think every mother gets scared. Scared that it will be hard. Scared that she won't know what to do. Scared that something will happen and she won't get to witness it at all.
How does one photo have the power do that? It's actually quite amazing. And one of the many,many reasons I love photographs.
I hope you all have a beautiful day!
xoxo
S
the girls had their very first soccer game last week. yes, they are on the same team :).
this makes for some very...um...interesting moments?
so let me offer you a quick flashback. harper has only played soccer once before. she was three. and it went like this:
well, it went back and forth between that and her yelling "DO I LOOK ASHION???" during games. i guess you could say it wasn't really her "thing".
so i suppose i expected something similar this time. she hasn't really been that interested at practices. she does what she's asked to do, but she isn't overly excited about it or anything of the sort.
sadie,on the other hand...sadie has been very gung ho. i think it's a good way for her to get out her energy/agression. the problem is that it's her first time ever playing. she's still getting the hang of it.but she has such a big desire to learn.
she is SO HARD on herself. she gets so frustrated that she doesn't pick everything up on the very first try. i keep telling her i'm proud of her and that she should just have fun...but sister has a competitive streak a mile wide.
especially when it comes to harper.
as i mentioned, last week was their first game. here's where the title of this post comes into play.
harper
was
amazing.
she was fast and focused and driven. she was at the front of the pack and the coach kept her in the entire time. and what is that LOOK on her face? is she growling?!?!?!?
what happened to my girly "i don't want to get dirty" girl? what happened to my "YUCK I'M ALL SWEATY" girl?
and then at the very end of the game? she scored a goal!!! you should have seen her face. i sure wish her daddy was there to see it.
i didn't take any photos of her scoring b/c i was experiencing it. i didn't want to miss a moment so i didn't have the camera over my face.
but when i recovered from my shock i grabbed the camera from around my neck and snapped this photo of sadie's immediate reaction.
oh.
my.
i don't think i have to caption this photo, i think you can decipher her look yourself. if looks could kill. sibling rivalry much?
and yes, we did talk about how it wasn't nice to not be happy for her sister. and we also talked about how she'd have her moment, too. and she did...she got the ball away from someone on the other team and dribbled it for a second. the cheers were deafening!
but wow, just wow.that kid is something else.
and harper? she was something else too. you could have knocked me over with a feather. i never ever would have guessed she'd play like that.
reminds me of a certain 16 year old who had never played a sport in her life, a 16 year old that picked up a lacrosse stick and was really really good. my mom says she'd never even seen me run. :) and i ended up being all-state! :)
it's funny how we see unexpected reflections of ourselves in our children.
hope your weekend was beautiful!
xxo
s
She came into our lives with big brown eyes and a head full of dark hair.
She changed us...made us parents. Made us love more than we knew we could love,worry more than we knew we could worry, fear more than we knew we could fear.
We have all fallen in love with her. With her million-miles-an-hour talking, her fashion sense,her tears,her heart, her compassion,her smile.
She is one of a kind, God made her extra special,extra kind,extra sweet.
And today she is SIX. Don't even ask me how that happened so fast,because I don't have an answer for you.
Happy, happy, HAPPY birthday my dear,sweet girl.
I love watching you grow and learn and love.
You are so very treasured.
Love,mama
Sometimes I wish I was five.
Okay, I don't want to be five, but sometimes I wish I still had the heart of a five year old. Pure and joyful...and unconcerned what everyone else is thinking.
Able to get up on a bench in the middle of the mall (wearing a tiara no less) and dance like a maniac. Limbs flailing, smile beaming.
What must it be like to not be self-conscious at all? To be able to quite simply do what makes you happy. No complications, no what-ifs, no i-probably-shouldn't-do-thats.
If you are five it's still cool to stand outside of your mom's car in the carpool line and wave and blow kisses. It's perfectly acceptable to run by the car grinning and blowing even more kisses.
When you are five head to toe pink is a major fashion statement. In fact...the more pink the better! Mixing patterns is awesome. Flowers, butterflies...you name it.
Five year olds become best friends immediately. No "should I talk to her" no "does she like me". Just a simple I like her and she makes me happy so she's my bestie.
It is such a gift to view life through her eyes. She reminds me what it's really all about. She reminds me that all the other stuff doesn't really matter. Every day is an adventure, every cookie is the best cookie ever. Her heart is right there...on her pink sleeve for everyone to see.
Gosh, I wish I could live like that. :)
Happy Good Friday sweet friends.xxo
s
the other day i was playing with the babies. the bigs were outside with j.
harper came running in SCREAMING "MOMMMYYYYYY! COME SEEEE! YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT!!!!".
and when i came outside i didn't believe it. she finally learned how to ride her bike without training wheels.
i thought this day might never every come. she is very cautious and unwilling to try new things.
very scared to fall. jimmy isn't here often and it's a bit hard for me to take all four on bike rides. HA!
but she did it!!
with lots of encouragement from her daddy:
a few wobbles:
and lots of smiles:
and i stood there with teary eyes snapping photos.
not only because she finally hit this milestone...
but because j was here for it.
it might sound silly, but he is not here for most firsts. so to see him accomplish this with harper. gosh, i have tears in my eyes just typing this.
and speaking of bikes and tears in my eyes for other reasons...i took my first spin class last night. i can barely walk or SIT today, but i loved it. i kept up and i am really proud of myself. i have a feeling this is really going to change my body and maybe my life.
so here's to new beginnings and accomplishments. :)
happy thursday sweet friends.
xoxo
s
is letting go.
i read this article this week. and it broke my heart and terrified me.
a seven year old girl died after a classmate gave her a peanut on the playground. died.
i have a daughter with a peanut allergy. and i'm terrified.
when harper was about 2, i was eating peanut butter. i ate some peanut butter off of a spoon and she asked to try it. there was barely any left. the spoon had only a trace of pb on it. she licked it, i turned around to do something. when i turned back around she wasn't breathing.
i watched my baby stop breathing and choke on her own saliva.
it was the scariest day of my life. i can still remember the look on jimmy's face when he ripped her out of her car seat and ran her into triage.
i can still remember how frantic and out of control i felt. i can still remember the look on her little face.
now look. i know peanut allergies are not unique to us. i know that a lot of people doubt the validity of allergies. i know that a lot of people ask why so many more chldren have peanut allergies now. i know that many people think that allergies are exaggerated.
i don't know the answer to any of those questions.but i do know this. i watched my daughter almost die.
and that's all i need to know.
harper can be in classrooms with peanuts. she can be around people that eat nuts. the people in her class wash their hands thoroughly after they eat.
jimmy's dad once accidentally touched her with cashew oil on his hands and she had a pretty bad skin reaction. turns out she's even more allergic to cashews than she is to peanuts! i can't control what is on anyone's hands at any given time though.
i don't know what would happen if she ate a peanut at almost six. but i don't want to know.
i want to keep her safe. and i know i can't keep her safe. i can't put her in a bubble. but i'm scared to let her go.
i saw a group of people online discussing the article i linked above. and they were saying that this was the reason they'd never let their children go to public school. this was the reason they homeschool.
here's my thoughts on this.
i can't keep her safe. she goes to playdates. and sunday school. and she is around other people all the time. and i wouldn't want it any other way. she goes to public school (SHOCK!!!).
eta: let me clarify the above statement. i am a product of the public school system and a former public school educator. i was being tongue in cheek. i've noticed that many people tend to discredit ALL public schools immediately, which is sad to me. in the conversation i mentioned above, why were people saying that this is why their children don't go to public school...couldn't this happen at ANY school? on any playground? in any place in the world???
i can't keep her in a bubble. i can't keep bad things from happening to her.
there are a million bad things that could happen to any of my children at any time. and this thought is enough to paralyze me. but i can't stop all of the things that might happen.
all i can do is educate her. she has known from the beginning that she should NEVER eat anything that she doesn't KNOW is safe to her. she also has a pretty bad egg allergy. she's smart about it. but she's a kid. she wants to fit in with her friends. i am terrified that she might eat something to fit in.
so we talk about it.
and talk about it
and talk about it.
the school has an epipen. the teachers are educated.
and i make sure every day that she gets it. and gets the gravity of the situation. i don't want to make her overly scared and i don't want it to impact her social skills. but i do want her to think.
she's so smart about it. so cautious. she came to me yesterday with a new brand of pudding i had bought and said "can you make sure this doesn't have peanuts in it?" and it didn't,but she wanted to make sure. she's always been like that.
it's all i can do. teach her.
and let her fly.
but it scares me half to death.
thanks for letting me talk. i know this is long, but it's been heavy on my heart and i think i had to get it out. i'm so scared for her sometimes.
it is not in my hands.it is in His hands. my daily prayer... dear Lord...please keep my girl safe. please help her be vigilant and make smart choices. please let her not be afraid to LIVE to the fullest. just keep her safe.
s
harper's very first school picture. i notice two things when i look at this photo. how grown up she looks and how HAPPY she looks.
it's complicated, this mother/daughter dance.
i expect so much out of her,yet i don't want to project my expectations onto her or crush her with the weight of them.
she frustrates me so much because she is exactly like me.
all of the things i don't have patience for in myself, i don't have patience for in her.
the fact that she is high strung.
the fact that she worries too much about what other's think.
the fact that she wants to please others so very much.
she's very self aware...
the fact that she never ever stops talking and that all of her life is one
long
run-on
sentence.
the way she always wants to help SO much but sometimes just gets in the way...
she is me.
i have so many hopes and dreams for her. she will soar,this one. she's smart and observant, kind and generous. she's beautiful with a beautiful heart.
i feel so much pressure to teach her to respect herself,and to respect others and their feelings/wishes... but never to be a doormat.
these days are a bit rough. she's prone to dramatic fits of wailing, inconsolable crying.
because she's still so LITTLE but yet she seems so capable.
it's complicated.
i love her so much it physically makes my heart hurt. but she drives me nuts at the same time.
i have to be sure to always praise her, but not over praise her.
i make mistakes. i lose my patience with her. i snap. i coddle her. i have no patience, i have too much patience. i ignore her when there's really something wrong and indulge her when nothing is wrong.
it's complicated.
this girl made me a mother. we are learning together, feeling this thing out together.
but there's this.
at her kindergarten parent/teacher conference her teacher told me she is so smart and well behaved (except for a bit of talking out-again she gets that from me)...but above all she is KIND. she plays with everyone, befriends everyone, encourages everyone.
and also, there is this.
when she got out of the car today, she walked/pranced up the school sidewalk with a bounce in her step. i held up the carpool line for a minute...just watching her and rejoicing in the gift of her.
suddenly she turned, ran back to the car and motioned for me to roll the window down.
she yelled "I love you mama and i'm so proud of you!!!"
and my heart was calm in the knowledge that the two of us are doing just fine.
we are navigating this complicated, blind route just fine. and all the good times, good parts...well,they more than make up for the hard parts.
xxo
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