Stephanie Howell

nine.

today makes nine years.

nine years of wearing his ring.

of missing him.

of loving him,of worrying about him.

nine years of thinking he is the most handsome man alive

nine years of putting away his boots and pts (physical training clothes) while holding my nose.

four babies

four (about to be five!) states

seven homes

eight deployments.

nine years of knowing his social security number better than mine.

nine years of knowing a zillion acronyms that i never knew before.

nine years worth of fights over how i get mad and stew and when he asks "what's wrong?" i say "NOTHING.".

nine years of disagreements over how when i finally tell him what is wrong, he tries to fix it. i don't want him to fix it. i want him to listen and say he's sorry! :)

nine years of laughing at him until i fall on the floor with tears streaming.

nine years worth of movies while we snuggle on the couch.

nine years of my trying to cook something and then messing it up horribly.

nine years of him saying "oh babe this is GOOD!" with a grimace, and nine years of knowing that he's the cook in the family.

five years of being together

four years of being halfway across the world from each other.

nine years of him making that mortified face when i dance.

six years of being parents to one.

four years of being parents to two.

one year of being parents to four.

nine years of happiness,love,respect,friendship and knowing that no matter what the apart/together numbers might look like...it's worth it.

jimmy,if you are reading this i love you so much. i respect you so much. i am so proud of you and what you represent. you are my best friend and the love of my life. thank you for asking me to marry you and for giving me four beautiful little girls.I miss you! happy anniversary!

s

how does it feel?

how does it feel to love him? yeah...that's a tricky one.

complicated.

you see,it feels like my safe place. you know when a storm is raging outside? thunder and lighting and torrential downpours? and you are inside under a down quilt with your favorite book?

that's how it feels to love him.

but it's also terrifying and uncertain. it's not constant. it's not usual. it's anything but usual.

how does it feel to love him?

it feels natural. like i was born to do it. born to be his wife. to hold his hand, to bear his children and his last name.

it feels prickly. uneasy. like an ill-fitting coat i can't wait to shed. the being apart. the fear. it feels uneasy.

how does it feel to love him?

like i'm the luckiest girl in the world.

some days it feels like i don't know if i can do it. i worry. i fret. i miss him terribly.

when i am getting ready for him to go it is excruciating. it's the worst part. i say terrible things, act grumpy, get mad for NO conceivable reason. it's a defense mechanism, you see. it's what i do. i see it coming and i despise it...but i do it regardless. seven deployments,coming up on eight, and i STILL do it.

how does it feel to love him?

it feels like a gift.

like a precious gift. one that isn't guaranteed to last forever.but what is? all i can do is cherish it. cherish our time and love him with every fibre of my being.

how does it feel to love him?

like a privelege. 

an honor.

and for him to love me in return? makes this life worth living. it makes this life beautiful. he has giving me this life i never thought i would lead. but oh how i love it.

that's the way i choose to look at it. the way i chooose to interpret it.

right now i'm in a weird place. teetering on the edge of "can i do this?" and "i am GOING to do this". dealing with a lot of emotions. writing these words is like a salve to my heart and my fears.

i am his and he is mine. and it is a gift.

xoxo

s

 

*love*ly things- a father's love

source

 

He loves them with all of his heart. He tells them often how proud of them he is.Hearing that your daddy is proud of you...that is a wonderful feeling (whether you are 3 or 34).

He isn't afraid for them to see him make mistakes. And when he does he says "i'm sorry". He doesn't hide his flaws from them.

He has a lot on his mind, but when he is here he is PRESENT.

He hugs them,kisses them,cuddles them. He expects a lot from them and is firm with them when he needs to be.

source

Every day he tells them their "specials" at bed time. These are things that make them special. His favorite things about them. And when he is not here, he texts them to me.

He leaves them notes, sends them emails and messages. He calls them on the phone if he can't tell him he loves them in person.

Every single day he is showing them (by example) the man they should aspire to find one day.

source

Kind,strong,brave,steady,selfless,true. He has never called me an ugly name. He has never spoken unkindly to me in front of the girls. He treats me,and makes me feel, like a gift. A rare jewel.

He is showing them that they deserve the best. That they should expect NO less.

He is teaching them self-confidence,grace,self-respect.

He rough houses with them, giggles with them, teaches them to play football,paints their toenails.

He is a superhero.

His love for them gives them courage and wings.

His love for them is like our father's love for us. Pure.

It's a beautiful thing to witness.

s

grateful

to live in this great country

to be FREE.

to think as i please, dress as i please, come and go as i please, worship as i please, speak as i please.

grateful that i don't live in fear.

grateful that i have choices.

grateful for him

and countless other men and  women.

grateful for all of those fathers,

mothers,sisters,brothers,daughters,sons.

husbands,

and wives.

they are our hearts. the hearts of those who miss them.

grateful that THEY are willing to serve.

as we speak. at this very moment.

so that we can afford to be grateful.

we miss you, j!

happy, happy, HAPPY fourth of july everyone.

let freedom ring!

xoxo

s

scrappy sunday 6/19

foldies, stickers,gray dot paper, background paper- sassafras

paper that journaling is on- crate paper

punch- apron lace by fiskars

photo printed on canvas

journaling:

11 years ago you were just a west point boy i met at a bar. you had a beautiful smile and you could play the guitar. you were more interested in parties than in good grades. 11 years ago i was hoping you would call after we shared a kiss. 11 years later, you are my heart. you are my hero. you are the father that i prayed my children would have. beyond what i could have imagined. you have the ability to love with all of your heart, to be a tender and loving father and husband...but also a brave warrior. you are a leader. a friend. the glue, the heart of our family. you are everything.

 

happy fathers day, jimmy. we love and miss you.

and to my daddy, happy father's day. i love and miss you too.

xoxo

s

i ❤ him so

not much to say or share today, i just wanted to post some photos i took this week.

have i ever mentioned how much i {we} love him? ;)

happy friday!

xxo

s