Stephanie Howell

twelve.

I made this collage five years ago and found it here on my blog for our seventh anniversary.

There have been many more photos since then but these remain some of my most treasured and special moments so I thought I'd use it again.

Bottom row, middle : The minute he walked in the door after missing Sadie's birth. I tear up every single time I look at it.

Third row, all the way to the right: When we were in college and so completely in love we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. When I look at that photo, I feel that infatuation all over again.

Seventh row, all the way to the right: When he walked in the room after a deployment I wasn't sure he'd make it home from.

If I had snapshots of the last five years (I don't have many of these on film) here's what I'd see.

+ My face when we found out I was pregnant with number five. Shock and a little bit of fear, and Jimmy standing in the corner of the restroom with the biggest smile I've ever seen.

+ Us seeing two heartbeats on an ultrasound in Fort Benning, Georigia five years ago.

+ Celebrating our eleventh anniversary in Paris. Having hard conversations but coming home closer than we've ever been.

+ Deployments, training, and constantly being apart. But the reunions, oh the reunions. The sweetest thing in the world. Nothing compares and it truly makes all the aparts worth it.

+ Learning to navigate life in a foreign country together.

+ Having an entire year TOGETHER while he was in Rhode Island for school. Having almost every single breakfast and dinner together for 365 days and driving each other a little bit nuts but mainly just loving it.

+ Lots of everyday stuff. Raising four little people. Disagreements, hard decisions, laughing until we cry. Vacations, texts, being apart a lot, being together some. Frustrations, pure happiness, life.

 

This life together has taken us so many places (literally and emotionally) that I never could have begun to imagine. The past 12 years have held the most intense fear and the most overwhelming joy that I have ever known. Sometimes in the same exact moment.

There is nowhwere I'd rather be than by his side. Whether it's on the couch holding hands and watching a scary movie...or in a room surrounded by other people.

He is it for me.

Home. Love. Grace.

 

Happy 12th, Jimmy.

 

xoxo

 

 

10.

10 years.

4 children.

5 states.

2 apartments.

6 houses.

10 deployments

50 months apart

3 childbirths together

1 childbirth apart

3 cross country road trips

7 times packing up our belongings

8 times unpacking our belongings

2 surgeries

4 girls

countless letters,emails, long distance phone calls

a few arguments

a fair amount of misunderstandings

lots of tears

so much worry

bliss

frustration

sheer panic

teamwork

communication

respect

more love than i could ever put into words on this blog.

 

ten years ago today i married my hero, my best friend, and the love of my life.

i never ever ever could have known what God would show us, teach us, and put us through.

over the years we have been through more than i could have imagined.

but through it all, the good times and the bad, there has been a finely woven thread of respect.

faith.

love.

honor.

dedication.

commitment.

he is a steady presence in my life. his hand on the small of my back? gives me the confidence to do ANYTHING.

he is my anchor.

i am the silly one. the social butterfly.

he is the rock.

i am so grateful.

so so so so so grateful.

he is the best husband, the best father, the best man.

he loves me in a slow, steady, constant, respectful way. and this is the best gift he could give our daughters.

he is gentle and kind and shows them how a man should treat a woman.

we are a great team. and after 10 years there is still so much to learn.

so much growing to do.

so many mistakes to make (and learn from).

there is no one that i'd rather have holding my hand.

happy anniversary, james carr howell.

god only knows what i'd be without you.

xo

S

 

when they say

(photo has nothing to do with the post, but these peonies are making me smile today and i can't have a post without a photo, now can i? :)

 

when they say: "do you run a daycare or something?"

i say: "and this is only HALF of them!"

 

when they say: "do they all have the same daddy?"

i say: "all except that one!" and point at one of the twins.snicker. this is very funny to me, since they look identical. also, it doesn't take much to entertain me right now.

 

when they say:"your hands are FULL!"

i say: "yes, they are.literally.would you mind opening the door?"

 

when they say: "i feel sorry for you!"

i say: "oh, please don't!"

 

when they say: "are you #&*$ing crazy?"- my personal favorite response i've gotten thus far!

i say: "yes i am. a little bit." and then i make crazy eyes. and cate, well she's always making crazy eyes. and then i laugh.

 

when they say: "how do you do it?"

i say: "prayer. constant prayer. oh, and wine doesn't hurt!"

 

when they hold the door open for me or say "can i help you?" or tell me they are beautiful, or that i am lucky, or that they couldn't do it, but that they wish they could

i say: simply..."thank you". and sometimes i have to restrain myself from hugging them. especially these days when i have one foot in the loony bin. a little kindness goes a really really long way.

 

i used to not really think about what i said to people. i talk to EVERYONE. that's just my personality. i can talk to a wall. i have on several occasions!

i think people want to try to connect, to start a conversation, but sometimes don't know what to say. one thing having four children under 5.5 has taught me, is think before you speak.

when you see a mom with two baby carriers, hair in her face, sunglasses falling to the concrete, one foot stuck in the *&#* stroller while she tries to collapse it, groceries spilling out of the van, tears in her eyes (not that this has ever happened to me yeah right)...

it's much kinder to simply smile, lend a hand, put a grocery bag in the trunk,

than it is to say "i'd kill myself if i was you".

true story. that's been said to me several times.

trial and error have taught me that the best response is a smile. and something like "i am one lucky girl".

usually that works. in the case of the people that have said they'd kill themselves, i'm usually so taken aback i stop and say "why?".

and they say something like "four girls? and twins? and a husband that is always gone? i'd die". and i get they are trying to connect. but that ain't the way to do it.

i truly feel that i am married to my hero. and i have four HEALTHY children. it's a gift.

i know it's not for everyone. it's certainly not a path i thought i'd ever be on! but i'm on it, baby! and determined to take this path with a smile.

and some day tears. true story. but mostly smiles.

also, another thing that works is sadie saying something totally inappropriate at these times. last time she randomly said something about poop. which i would normally frown upon...but it just worked at that moment.

HA!

hope your day is gorgeous!

xo

s

 

 

eight

eight years ago,

if someone told me that

eight years later

we would have four girls under five

six deployments under our belts

if someone told me that we would have,by now, lived in four states

in seven houses

i would have laughed. and maybe there would have been a little bit of a tremor in my hand. a tiny falter in my smile. not visible or apparent to anyone, but there nonetheless.

my  heart might have raced.

i might have thought...really? no. that can't be right! we are going to have TWO children! one boy and one girl!

he's not going to have to go away that many times. because i don't know how to do anything by myself! i can't live at fort drum because i don't know how to drive in the snow!

i can't have a baby without him there!

i know he's in the army, but west point isn't the same as the real thing. i'm scared. can i do this? am i meant to do this?

and if i could tell me back then what i know now i'd say

yes, you can do this.

because first of all it's not *you*.

it's *us*

with the love of a good man and our father above

you will have more than you have ever dreamed of.

you will learn to be independent.

you will fall in love with four little girls, each one of them very different. and all four of them incredible.

that first deployment? will be scary alright. as will all the ones that follow.

but you will do it. you will learn to dig your car out of snow, you will survive. and you will feel so much stronger because of it.

you will learn how to put your heart into all seven homes. how to make them "home". you will learn that pictures on the wall and books on the shelves don't define where home is. no, not at all.

home is where the two, three,four, six of you are (depending on the year). sometimes home may consist of some of you in one place, and one of you in a makeshift shelter in another country.

but you will ALWAYS be connected by love, respect, and commitment.

you will have a baby without him there.

but it's not as scary as it sounds. and he will walk in two hours later and you will be okay.

he will take care of you. and his girls.

always.

he will be honest, faithful, brave, strong,truthful,and protective.

oh, and really really funny. you will lose track of how many times he makes you laugh so hard you cry.

he will hold your hand, rub your back, or GIANT pregnancy feet. he will guide you into a room with his hand on the small of your back and never leave your side.

he will talk you through some of the most scary moments of your life.

whether it be first time labor, cutting your finger to the bone with a new chef's knife, or not knowing if he will come home to you alive.

all it will take from him will be an "i love you, it will be okay" to calm your heart.

also? he will be the best daddy EVER. ever. hands down. your little girls will grow up with their hero for their daddy.

sure, you will frustrate each other.

his tendency to justify the reason he did or say something instead of simply saying "i'm sorry" will anger you.

your tendency to say "NOTHING" when he asks what wrong will anger him.

but you will learn to talk through these things.accept them. and grow.

simply put?

today is the best thing you will ever do. best choice you will ever make. today starts a miracle.

and at that point eight years ago my heart would have calmed.

i would have looked into his brown eyes and smiled. and said "i do".

it was the beginning of a beautiful,crazy,scary,hilarious,terrifying ride.

and the Lord had (has) so much more in store for us that we could have ever imagined.

happy 8th anniversary, james carr howell.

thank you.

thank you.

thank you.

i love you.

s