Stephanie Howell

What Motherhood Has Taught Me.

9 years and nearly five kids into this motherhood gig...I can say I've learned a thing or two. I am NOT even close to being an expert. I still have NO idea what I'm doing. To be honest I'm making it up day to day, moment to moment.

Today I want to tell you what motherhood has taught me. These things might not work for you. But these are the truths that I've accepted. And some of them have been a bitter pill to swallow. Here we go. :) 

 

1. If someone asks you "Is this chocolate?" don't smell what they are showing you. Because it is never chocolate.

 

2. Don't pray for patience. God will give you patience but will then test the heck out of you. Pray for grace or kindness. Or just pray that you won't lose your ever-loving mind.

 

3. Try not to be a sanctimommy. Don't judge baby leashes or moms who are letting their kids eat straight out of a box of (non organic!) cereal in the grocery store. One day it will be you and you will wish you could go back and punch your judgmental self in the smug face.

 

4. Sometimes you just have to say yes to staying in PJs all day, watching nonstop movies, and eating cereal for dinner. Ain't no shame in the survival mode game.

 

5. Anything you say will be repeated back to you later. Don't be surprised if you hear one of your kids say something, think "Where did she hear THAT and why is she being so snarky?" and then realize - oh....

I

said

that.

 

6. Nothing is ever going to go the way you planned it or imagined it. Just let it happen.

 

 

7. You are going to screw up. You are going to scream, lose your patience, lose your sh&*. You are going to cry and that is okay. Learn how to say "I'm sorry." This is the best lesson you can teach your children. Tell them you are not perfect, that you messed up, that you weren't kind, and ask for their forgiveness. Let me repeat, you are NOT perfect.  They will understand and they will remember this later they they lose their sh&*.

 

8. Bribery is okay. Really. If you have to give your kid a tootsie roll pop to get through the grocery store in peace it is OKAY. Do whatever works for YOU.

 

9. Don't ever judge another woman on her birth story, whether she works or stays at home, whether she breast feeds or bottle feeds. All of us are doing what is best for us and our family and other people have no right to judge or remark on that. Be supportive of other women and other mothers. If you see someone who is struggling, offer to help. Tell her she is doing a GOOD JOB. Just be kind.

 

10. Be gentle with yourself. Don't beat yourself up. You are doing the best you can and tomorrow is a new day. Treat yourself with the respect and kindness that you expect and demand from others.

 

11. Choose your battles. Decide what is worth standing your ground about. Letting your littles wear a princess dress out of the house or allowing them to wear their shoes on the wrong feet for a little bit is not a battle. It's just not.

 

12. Always say yes when someone wants to snuggle, hug, or cuddle.  But you don't have to say yes when someone wants to get in your bed. It's okay to want to sleep and it's okay to want to have your bed to yourself.

 

13. You don't have to do it all. A school bought lunch is not going to permanently scar your child. Store bought Valentines won't either. But if you want to do it all...then do it! Do whatever brings you the most joy and the least amount of stress.

 

14. Let your kids see you be silly.

 

15. Let your kids see you fail.

 

16. Let your kids see you pray.

 

17. Let your kids see you argue + make up.

 

18. Let your kids see you read.

 

19. Let your kids see you love their daddy. Hold his hand, kiss him, love on him. When they say EWWWWW tell them they will appreciate it one day.

 

20. Let your kids get dirty. Clothes can be washed and showers can be taken.

 

21. If you overschedule your kids they will be stressed and you will be stressed. Decide how many activities work best for you and your children and stick with this number.

 

22. Some days you will want to be anywhere but where you are. You will want to pee in peace, shower in peace, and you will want to be able to sleep uninterrupted. You will want silence instead of mommymommymommymommymommy You will need a break. When this happens it is okay to do something for YOU. This does not make you any less of a mother. This does not mean you don't appreciate or treasure your children and their fleeting little-ness. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. Take care of you so you can take care of them.

 

23. Ask for help if you need it. Admit you are struggling if you are struggling. Reach out if you are drowning.

 

24. Take your children on adventures. These adventures can be to the park, to the library, to France, or to Italy. You can take them to Target, to the movies, or to the pool. Get out of the house and GO. You can do it. I promise. It will be good for all of you.

 

25. Get a planner. USE it. This will change your life.

 

26. Let your children go. Let them climb on their own and let them fall. Pick them up and kiss them when they fall and teach them to shake it off. Don't hover, don't overdo it. Let them fail and recover gracefully. This is one of the greatest gifts you can give them. Falling will teach them to fly.

 

27. Whatever you are going through is not the end of the world. Babies stop crying, children potty train. They WILL eventually sleep, lose the binkie, stop crying every time you turn on the vacuum. This is not the hardest thing you will go through. Every season changes and every day is a new one.

 

28. Prepare to feel love like you've never felt it. The kind of love that physically hurts. The kind of love that will terrify you and empower you and knock you right over. The kind of love that will simultaneously turn you into a raging mama bear and a melting puddle of goo.

xoxo

S

 

What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say {but want to say something}

 

Source

 

Note: I wrote most of this post a month ago. Since then, I've gotten distracted a dozen times. I've added a little here and there and then I forgot about it. Then I read a great blog post. I want to thank Elise for her excellent post and for inspiring me to finish mine. 

 

I've written a lot about hurtful words. About how it feels when someone says something unintentionally and about how we should weigh and measure our words. I've talked about accountability and perspective and all that good stuff. 

I've gotten some flak for it over the years. Some say I'm too sensitive, that others are just trying to connect and that I shouldn't take everything so personally. Sometimes they were right. It's hard when you are in those hormonal, overwhelming new mom days. It's hard whether its one baby or twin babies. Whether it's your first or your fourth. It's freaking hard.

Have you ever seen a new mom or dad (or a seasoned mom/dad) and wanted to just connect? To just talk to her but you weren't sure what to say? If so, that.is.awesome. It can be so lonely and just so MUCH. 

Those days when you haven't talked to anyone over three years old and you don't have any support...they're hard.

But just blurting something/anything out isn't so awesome.

 

The whole "four girls? Man! Glad I'm not you!" yes...Jimmy gets this one often. The "better you than me" thing?  The looks of annoyance at a new baby that is crying?

The looks of disgust when a new mom has more than one kid and one (or more)  is acting up and the baby is screaming and she looks like she is going to just sob? The "you've got your hands full" comment in this scenario?

The "just wait until they are all teenagers! glad i'm not you!"

Yeah. Can we stop that crap? Or at least just think it, as opposed to saying it?

These are all things that have either happened to me or things that I've witnessed happening to someone else.

 

There are (in my opinion) two options for such scenarios. And they are pretty simple.

1. You are doing a great job. How can I help?

2. Just don't say anything. A smile of encouragement can be just as helpful.

 

Listen. There are jobs harder than motherhood. I don't expect a badge of honor or sainthood for doing my job. But compassion is always good.

Always.

Sidenote:Recently I saw someone on FB say something like "Ugh. Why are there all of these blogs on motherhood? So much validation. Our mothers didn't need crap like that to survive."

You know what? Our mothers felt alone too. Our mothers didn't know what the hell they were doing sometimes. They wanted to scream and cry too. And they would have appreciated kindess too. How cool is it that we have the Internet to connect and encourage us now?

 

So here's the deal. If you don't know what to say...just take a second to think about how the mom (or dad) you see might be feeling.

I've been guilty (many times) of trying to connect with someone and just saying something...anything to do so.

 

My favorite thing to do is offer to help. Carry something, hold a baby, pick up something. Lots of times they probably think I am a total creeper/weirdo. But lots of times they don't. And they just look relieved at realizing they aren't invisible.

Another helpful phrase is you are going to be okay or it gets better. Y'all..I literally do not remember the first year after Cate and Lucy were born. I don't. I look at the pictures...I know I was there...but I don't remember.

I DO remember they guy that told me "Your hands are full!" as he let the door slam in my face. I do remember the "Oh, poor you" from a cashier.

Those things stick.

Wouldn't be awesome if there were so many uplifting and encouraging comments that those were the things that stuck?

Let your kind words stick today. We Rise By Uplifting Others.

Love that.

xoxo

four ²

 

Four is hands down the cutest age for these two.

I know, I know...I said that at one and two and three and at three and a half. But four is by FAR the cutest.

They are absolutely hilarious. But when they throw a fit...oh LORD can they throw a fit.

Lucy has long amazingly beautiful hair. She LOVES her hair. She loves having people do it for her (me, her teacher), she loves choosing headbands, she loves braids. She loves to toss it over her shoulder.

Cate's hair is much thinner but she was born to have shoulder length hair. I marvel at the fact that we didn't see it sooner and that it took the gum incident for us to cut it. She loves tucking it behind her ears and it's the most adorable thing ever.

Lucy's a comedian. She loves to eat, she moans the entire time. She burps. A lot. And the burps are BIG. And we laugh every single time.

Cate's more dainty. She's very conscious of her manners and how she comes across to others. She embarrasses easily.

They are both so giving with their affection. They love to climb in my lap, throw their arms around my neck, and kiss me. They hold my face, stare into my eyes, and tell me they love me.

They say "I like you so much!" "I like you to the sky!" and for them this is the most they could ever imagine loving someone.
It means something when they tell you this.

They are best friends, inseperable, but they can fight like darn maniacs too.

They are absolutely EDIBLE. I want to eat them right up. I can't get enough of them. I smell their hair, kiss their plump cheeks, hold them tight.

They mispronounce some words and I'm loathe to correct them. Not for a long time, anyway.

"lesterday"

"aggagic" (attic)

"airleal" (Ariel)

ephephant (Lucy) / enephant (cate)

 

They are so loved by their sisters. They play in pairs all day long. They are the darlings and the sunshine of this family and I can't even for a moment imagine what life would be like with them.

They are all smiles. And big eyes. Impish faces and beautiful hair.

They are joy. Pure and utter joy.

Yes, four is the BEST.

 

xo

S

 

I Am That Mom.

So you've probably seen the article by now. Most likely on Facebook (if you do Facebook) which is where I see it multiple times a day every day.

Dear Mom on the iPhone

It's been around for a while (years) but for some reason it's making a resurgence now and being posted again. A lot.

It's so popular that there have been lots of responses and rebuttals.

This one might be my favorite. I like this one, too.

But y'all. It still irritates the ever-loving spit out of me every single time I see it posted.

So I figured I'd give you my perspective. And maybe it will make me feel a bit better.

source

Yes. I am often on my iPhone at the park. There are many reasons why. And they are probably reasons that not everyone would understand or guess.

Let me fill you in on a little secret. When you are a military wife, and especially one with a deployed husband...phones are your lifeline. Every time that phone rings? You FUMBLE to answer it. Those calls get you from week to week (and sometimes it's month to month).

You use the phone to email photos of missed birthdays, first steps and lost teeth. You send videos of first words, school plays, and spelling bees. This is not an exaggeration. Jimmy has seen so many firsts (and lasts!) through video and photography.

When a hero is killed that phone is how you connect. You cry together, pray together, sit in silence together. You PRAY that phone will ring after long bouts of silence.

Now add in the working mama piece.

Emails to compose, blog posts to edit, calendars to fill, paychecks to deposit. All on the phone.

Now add in the grocery lists, to do lists, timers, alarm clocks, emails to teachers, etc.

All on the phone.

 

And why do I do this at the park instead of watching my little girl twirl?

Well first off...that doesn't happen. Magical twirling in the sunshine that is. What really happens is whining

THAT BUG TOUCHED ME!

SADIE POKED ME IN THE EYE!

I'M HUNGRY? DID YOU BRING ME A SNACK?

I'M THIRSTY!

CATE LOOKED AT ME!

and on and on and on.

 

And you know what?

ALL I WANT IS ONE EVERLOVING MINUTE OF SILENCE. I want the four of them to PLAY TOGETHER for a little bit. I am tired. And I miss their daddy terribly.. And I want to take a minute for ME. To get my thoughts in order and breathe.

I want to pin a pretty dress to Pinterest and dream about one day getting to go on a date with J.

I want to write an email to him telling him how much I miss him.

I want to read a chapter of a book or practice an Italian lesson so I can learn to communicate here.

I want to look at photos that my friends (who are SO FAR away) have shared because I miss them terribly.

I have five minutes to get together a grocery list and the park is the perfect place to do it because the girls can entertain themselves.

All.Day.Long. every single day we paint and sing and read and watch YoGabbaGabba and make cookies and take bubble baths. And then we brush hair and clip toenails and brush teeth and do homework. We color, brush MyLittlePony hair, build with Legos. We dance, sing Frozen songs, argue, and laugh. We skip, practice play lines and songs, fall down and have to get BandAids. We drive back and forth and back and forth to post. In the car we sing some more and argue a lot. I have no privacy. No area of our home is sacred and safe from the "MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMMMYYYYY". Not even the restroom.

 

So YES. I'm on the damn phone at the park. And sometimes during gymnastics and play practice. Because I believe that life will go on and my girls will survive even if I don't watch them every single second of every single day.

I believe it's okay to do things for me.

I believe they will be okay (and even flourish) because of this. I believe that encouraging independence and saying "I want to be alone" is OKAY.

I believe that you can experience life fully and embrace meaningful moments. AND that after the fact you can share these moments with an absent spouse via technology. They are not mutually exclusive.

And above all I believe that moms should stop judging other moms. It's exhausting.

xoxo

S

 

Oh. And P.S...If you would like to encourage my girls to twirl magically in the sunlight feel free. But be forewarned...it will not end well. It will involve flailing limbs and a possible black eye on your end. Because they are, after all, Howells. Magical.

perception vs. reality

i seriously have no idea what i'm doing half the time.

i brew coffee in the keurig without a cup underneath and i don't even notice until the coffee is running off of the countertop and onto the floor.

i attempt to make ruby slippers with glitter glue and red glitter...and somehow end up gluing the flats to the front porch. true story. there is still red glitter in the crevasses on the porch.

i laugh when i should be stern.

i raise my voice when i shouldn't.

i pin all sorts of cool crafts to do with my girls. and i never do them. i have the best of intentions but rarely follow through.

more often than not, we have convenience meals. pasta,tacos,casseroles.i'm not a very good cook.

i feel like i'm on a treadmill that is going WAY too fast and i simply can't catch up.

i forget field trip slips and lunch money.

my car looks like a tornado went through it.

i have never made a homemade halloween costume or homemade cake in my life.

when all else fails, i put on elmo. or yo gabba.

i feed my children lollypops just so i can get through the grocery store.

the laundry is piled up sky high. always. no matter how many times i *think* i'm caught up.

and you know what?

i am good with it. great with it,actually.

source

because it works for me. it works for us. it's trial and error.

my children are happy. and healthy. and loved. oh so loved.

i used to worry that i wasn't doing it right. that i wasn't doing it like everyone else was.

you know. that comparison game. that subtle one-upping that some women like to do? that's not how i roll.

at least i don't roll that way any more.i gave that up when i realized it was making me miserable.

i do what works for us. but i'm sure not going to act like i have it all together.

because yesterday i almost hit the mailbox.

today i unintentionally wore pajamas to drop my children off.

i screw up crock pot recipes at least once a week. i mean...how do you even DO that? my favorite was when i cooked a meal on high for 8 hours instead of on low. that was awesome.

i pay the sitter to come three hours a week just so i can be alone. sometimes i don't even do any work.

i feel like i have no idea what i'm doing.

anyone who says they have it all together?

is lying.

plain and simple.

right? RIGHT! who's with me??? :)
now off to botch a dinner attempt.

love you guys!

xoxo

the power of a photo

photo taken outside the olde pink house on harper's sixth birthday

This photo terrifies me.

Because she's six...but I see glimpses of sixteen. I can see what she will look like as a woman,and it makes my heart hurt.

The funny thing is,I can see myself looking back on this photo when she is sixteen and treasuring how little she was.

She is so beautiful.

Do you ever have moments like this with your children? Where you look at a captured image and see glimpses of the future?

It simultaneously thrills and terrifies me.

And when things like this happen,my heart says a quick prayer and it always sounds a little something like this..

Please Lord. Let me be there to see the real thing.

Every day I watch her grow is a privilege.

I think every mother gets scared. Scared that it will be hard. Scared that she won't know what to do. Scared that something will happen and she won't get to witness it at all.

How does one photo have the power do that? It's actually quite amazing. And one of the many,many reasons I love photographs.

I hope you all have a beautiful day!

xoxo

S

the sweetest thing

The girls were so excited that yesterday was our wedding anniversary. They decided that we should have a "feast". How could I say no to that? :)

Truth be told, I was feeling a teensy bit sad inside and I needed this idea.

After I got H from school, we headed to Fresh Market. By the way, if you've never pushed one baby in a stroller,pulled another one in a cart, and wrangled a 4 year old and 5 year old whilst at Fresh Market...well let's just say it's quite the experience. Those aisles do NOT have much wriggle room.

But I digress...

So S said we needed FLOWERS! I agreed and we scooped up some yellow tulips.

Harper said we needed FEAST food. So we picked up salmon and veggies (for me) and empanadas and mashed potatoes for them (yes totally random but I let them choose!).

I said we needed to have a TOAST! So I found a bottle of sparkling apple cider.

When we got home we fed the babies and put them down and got to work.

Harper chose a tablecloth (please note the random burro motif she chose in the photo above), Sadie helped me arrange the tulips. I poured the cider and set the table and we sat down to eat.

I swear to you I'm teary right now. I know this is silly but y'all...my heart was so full at that moment. We snapped a photo with the timer (note the Bible the phone was balanced on, ha!) and said a toast. I said a prayer about how thankful I am for their daddy and how much I love him...

And then H+S said they had something for me. They both stared right at me and sang

"Happy Anniversary to YOU

Happy Anniversary to YOU

Happy Anniversary Mommy and Daddy

Happy Anniversary to YOU!"

And I was overwhelmed with gratitude. And joy. And sadness.

And quietly in my heart I heard these words.

"we must be doing something right".

Lots of times I don't feel that way. Most times I don't feel that way. Most times I'm tired and wondering what I'm doing. But gosh, when something like that happens...I just know we are all going to be okay.

You see, they save me. They don't know it but they do. On days where I'm lonely, and missing him,and tired...they love on me extra.

Their sweet smiles and the way their hair smells saves me.

Now remind me of this later today when they are fighting over how they both want to be Dorothy ON HALLOWEEN IN SEVEN MONTHS.

Remind me of this when one of the babies throws my toothbrush in the toilet.

Happy Friday,y'all.

xoxo

sometimes i can't believe that they are MINE.

don't get me wrong, sometimes i pretend they are NOT mine. like when we are at the store and the babies are screeching and trying to pull things off of the shelves, and sadie and harper are fighting about thestupidestthingever like...oh, i don't know...WHO LOOKS MORE LIKE A DISNEY PRINCESS????

 

oh yes, at moments like that in the produce section at publix-i stare off into the distance and make a face like who ARE these children and who do they belong to?

 

or when we are home and they have annihilated the entire house? despite the fact that i worked on it for six hours that day? and the babies have gotten into an entire box of yogurt cheerios, dumped it over on the floor, and are shoveling handfuls in their mouths while yelling UH OHHHHHH. and i have ONLY gone to the restroom for 10 seconds and HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE???? AND WHY IS SADIE JUMPING IN THE CHEERIO PILE????

 

at moments like that i can't believe they are mine. and i verrrrry slowly creep back into the bathroom, close the door with a quiet click, and scream ""who aaaaaaaaaaare these CHILDREN????"!

and while i'm in the bathroom i look in the mirror. i look at my frizzy hair and the circles under my eyes. and i think...what happened to the put together witty girl? the one that could make anyone laugh? the one that wore makeup and could talk about things other than her children? what happened to her? and IS THAT A CHEERIO IN MY HAIR? WHO ARE YOU?

 

 yes, there are plenty of moments like those. plenty of moments where i want to RESIGN from this job. i do NOT want to be the resident cook, booger wiper, diaper changer, tear dryer, fear slayer, toy picker upper, laundry and dish washer for ONE MORE MOMENT. no one ever notices the work i do, everyone only thinks about themselves,i never get taken care of,i am TIRED.

 

see that? that's how i feel some days. yes, i just typed that out. yes, i just admitted that.

sorry...i ain't perfect.

 

especially when jimmy has been gone for days and days and days...and when he IS here-he's not really,you see. up before dawn and home after bedtime for the girls.

 

sometimes i think i can't (WON'T?) take it for

 

one

more

moment.

 

and usually i have to pray. and sometimes i have to cry. and more than likely these moments involve a glass of wine.

 

and before i know it it's better. and of course I DO IT. and i don't QUIT. because that just isn't an option is it?

 

 

and then there's THESE moments...looking at these photos makes me feel like my heart is going to explode. looking at these photos fills me with awe that they belong to ME. us. how are we so blessed?

 

i love these girls so much. i love their tiny hands and feet, their crocodile tears. i love who they are becoming, the plans the Lord has for them.

 

i love their defiance (SADIE), their sensitivity (HARPER), their snuggliness (LUCY) and their independence (CATE).

 

i love them even when they have driven me to the brink of insanity. i love them even when they disappoint me. i love them every moment of every day...even in the absolute WORST moments.

even when i am thinking WHO ARE THESE MANIACS? i love them.

i mean, just look at them! thank you carrie for capturing them (and who they are ) so beautifully!

 

and so today begins. wishing YOUR day is full of happiness,hugs,and laughter. and if it's more of a screaming,fighting,I'MLOSINGMYMINDDAY...think of me when you're hiding in the bathroom, won't you? we'll share a virtual "cheers".

xoxo

s

 

 

are they twins????

you hear a lot...a LOT of things when you have twins.

a lot of really kind and encouraging things...and a lot of WEIRD and not so kind things.

actually, i don't know if it's the twin thing

or the "four girls five and under" thing...but i hear MANY things when we are out and about.

but by far my favorite (and the most baffling i think) is

"are they twins???"

sometimes this is totally understandable as it's coming from people that i can tell are pretty sure they ARE twins, but don't want to assume. i remember feeling this way before i had kids, as i knew NOTHING about babies and their ages and would just ask "how old are they?".

totally understandable.

but what really makes me giggle is when i hear "are they twins?"

from someone who has children. and it's even funnier when they look SO SURPRISED when i smile and say yes.

at the store from a nice lady in the dairy section. "how old are they?"

me: "they turned one on thanksgiving!"

her: "WHAT??? both turned one? are they TWINS???"

me: "uhhhhh yes?"

i know that lucy is the chunk of the pair and i know that they don't look identical (though some people who don't see them everyday think they do).

but they are about the same size, and look SO MUCH alike.

what else could they be?

sometimes i want to say something like

"oh no, this one is 3 months older!! she came out a little bit earlier and her sister hung out in the womb"

or

"this one is 13 months and this one is 14 months, no they aren't twins!!!"

 

but i don't. i smile and answer their questions b/c i love getting stopped. but it's SO funny to me.

 

are they twins?

 

kind of like when i heard "do they all have the same daddy?" and i pointed at cate and said "all except that one!!!" .

or when the guy at urgent care(incredulously) said "are they ALL yours???" and i shrugged and looked confused and said "uhhhh i'm not sure?".

or the lady that said "you know what causes that right?"
and i said "YES! I DO! AND IT'S MY FAVORITE!!!" hahaha!

 

you've got to laugh. or i swear you will cry.

there's no other option! i love being on the go with my girls. we go everywhere, all five of us. target, the mall, the grocery store, you name it we go.

even when i hear "do you run a daycare?"...

and even when we are walking through the grocery store and i hear "your hands are full" for the 12th time (true story). i just grin and say thank you. arent' they GREAT?

or (also a true story) i hold a baby out and say "want one? i have an extra!".HA!

are they twins?

why yes. yes they are.

xoxo

 

resolute.

in 2012 i will remember that my children are a reflection of me.

that when they are kind, speak gently, or even say something really funny... that is in part a reflection of me.

but the same goes for when they use an impatient tone, when they give sass, and when they aren't nice. sometimes i hear myself in something they say at these moments...and i need to remember that.

eight little eyes are always watching me.

resolute to pause and breathe before snapping, resolute that i will remember they are little and they are learning.

resolute to play more. i mean really play. STOP cleaning,fussing,worrying...and get down on the floor and

play.

i will hold them more. i know there are two of them, but i will take time (MAKE time) to hold them more.

this year i will pray for a gentle spirit with them.

i will not pray for patience because then i get tested. hahaha!

this year i'm resolute that i will ENJOY the ride.

no more trying to survive and get through the ride without going insane.

i will REMEMBER the ride this year.

and above all, i am resolute that i will remind myself each and every day...

i

am

blessed.

i might be frustrated, i might be tired. i might be lost some days. i might lose focus, i might cry.

but in the grand scheme of things these moments are a blink of the eye.

i will hold on tight this year.

xo

s