Stephanie Howell

irony

is it ironic that a beginning can also seem like an ending??

on saturday afternoon, both of my baby girls took their first steps.

cate first...she let go of my fingers with a grin firmly in place. and she took two wobbly steps before collapsing in my arms with a giggle.

lucy girl was next. she took two lunging steps, interrupting jimmy right as he was saying "who knows when she'll walk with those thunder thi....".

i remember harper's first steps (to jimmy, in her bedroom at 12 months old) and sadie's first steps (to my mother-jimmy was deployed-at 10 months old). i remember them like they were yesterday. but they weren't.

and as the girls walked to me, i tried to hide my teary eyes with loud laughter and whoops of joy. but a tear or two escaped as it hit me-

"these are the last first steps i will witness".

and i think i am okay with that, but it breaks my heart a little bit.

i know there will be so many more firsts. so many more. but for a moment i wanted to treasure THESE first steps. savor them, revel in them, imprint them in my memory.

the day both of my babies walked.my last babies.

now? on to something new. :) BABY CAGES. just kidding. sort of. leashes?

xoxo

s

it's complicated.

harper's very first school picture. i notice two things when i look at this photo. how grown up she looks and how HAPPY she looks.

 

it's complicated, this mother/daughter dance. 

i expect so much out of her,yet i don't want to project my expectations onto her or crush her with the weight of them.

she frustrates me so much because she is exactly like me.

all of the things i don't have patience for in myself, i don't have patience for in her.

the fact that she is high strung.

the fact that she worries too much about what other's think.

the fact that she wants to please others so very much.

she's very self aware...

the fact that she never ever stops talking and that all of her life is one

long

run-on

sentence.

the way she always wants to help SO much but sometimes just gets in the way...

she is me.

i have so many hopes and dreams for her. she will soar,this one. she's smart and observant, kind and generous. she's beautiful with a beautiful heart.

i feel so much pressure to teach her to respect herself,and to respect others and their feelings/wishes... but never to be a doormat. 

these days are a bit rough. she's prone to dramatic fits of wailing, inconsolable crying.

because she's still so LITTLE but yet she seems so capable.

it's complicated.

i love her so much it physically makes my heart hurt. but she drives me nuts at the same time.

i have to be sure to always praise her, but not over praise her.

i make mistakes. i lose my patience with her. i snap. i coddle her. i have no patience, i have too much patience. i ignore her when there's really something wrong and indulge her when nothing is wrong.

it's complicated.

this girl made me a mother. we are learning together, feeling this thing out together.

 

but there's this.

at her kindergarten parent/teacher conference her teacher told me she is so smart and well behaved (except for a bit of talking out-again she gets that from me)...but above all she is KIND. she plays with everyone, befriends everyone, encourages everyone.

and also, there is this.

when she got out of the car today, she walked/pranced up the school sidewalk with a bounce in her step. i held up the carpool line for a minute...just watching her and rejoicing in the gift of her.

suddenly she turned, ran back to the car and motioned for me to roll the window down.

she yelled "I love you mama and i'm so proud of you!!!"

and my heart was calm in the knowledge that the two of us are doing just fine.

we are navigating this complicated, blind route just fine. and all the good times, good parts...well,they more than make up for the hard parts.

 

xxo

slipping through my fingers

a year ago:






yesterday i was sitting in bed and thinking about one year ago.

one year ago i was sitting in the same bed and i was reallllly pregnant.

10 months (and some change) ago jimmy and i headed to my OB appointment wondering if i was in labor.

and i don't know how it has been a year. i don't know where the time went.

so many times in my life i've said "it seems like only yesterday..." but in reality it really didn't. it seemed vague, distant...a memory.

but i don't understand where the past year has gone.

it slipped through my fingers.

wasn't i just wondering like what it was going to be like to have four children?

wasn't i just wondering if i could do it?

wasn't i just pregnant with my beautiful girls?

it seems like only yesterday.

i really mean it this time. i'm not just saying it.

it terrifies me. i don't want this beautiful, precious time in my life to be a blur. i want to savor and taste

every

single

beautiful and horrible and exhausting and precious and wonderful and confusing

moment of it.

but it's like no matter how hard i concentrate, no matter how much i hold onto it, no matter how present i am...

it's slipping through my fingers.

they don't have the same smell. they aren't pronouncing words the same way. they need me less.

they are so beautiful. and funny. and i am so in love with all of them.

and ohhhhh are they frustrating. they fight like cats and dogs. even the babies!! they whine. they scream. and the tears...

oh the tears.

but oh how i love them.

and i know that what the future holds will be fun and special. in a different way. but wonderful. i know i will love seeing them grow.

but this precious, unique time in my life...

it's slipping through my fingers.

it's like i get so caught up in the everyday diaper changing and snot wiping and homework helping and carpooling and meal making and dish washing and clothes folding and vacuuming and lunch making...

and

i miss it. it slips through my fingers.

dear Lord. help me to hold them more and scold them less. help me to take time to be present. to play. to worry less, try to do less, try to BE in these moments.

help me remember.

help me let them grow. let them shine.

help me remember.

so, which should i get?

all from cafe press

sorry, i couldn't resist. *snicker*

but seriously...i think it's time for a custom tee for ME. :)

hope your weekend was lovely!

xxo

when they say

(photo has nothing to do with the post, but these peonies are making me smile today and i can't have a post without a photo, now can i? :)

 

when they say: "do you run a daycare or something?"

i say: "and this is only HALF of them!"

 

when they say: "do they all have the same daddy?"

i say: "all except that one!" and point at one of the twins.snicker. this is very funny to me, since they look identical. also, it doesn't take much to entertain me right now.

 

when they say:"your hands are FULL!"

i say: "yes, they are.literally.would you mind opening the door?"

 

when they say: "i feel sorry for you!"

i say: "oh, please don't!"

 

when they say: "are you #&*$ing crazy?"- my personal favorite response i've gotten thus far!

i say: "yes i am. a little bit." and then i make crazy eyes. and cate, well she's always making crazy eyes. and then i laugh.

 

when they say: "how do you do it?"

i say: "prayer. constant prayer. oh, and wine doesn't hurt!"

 

when they hold the door open for me or say "can i help you?" or tell me they are beautiful, or that i am lucky, or that they couldn't do it, but that they wish they could

i say: simply..."thank you". and sometimes i have to restrain myself from hugging them. especially these days when i have one foot in the loony bin. a little kindness goes a really really long way.

 

i used to not really think about what i said to people. i talk to EVERYONE. that's just my personality. i can talk to a wall. i have on several occasions!

i think people want to try to connect, to start a conversation, but sometimes don't know what to say. one thing having four children under 5.5 has taught me, is think before you speak.

when you see a mom with two baby carriers, hair in her face, sunglasses falling to the concrete, one foot stuck in the *&#* stroller while she tries to collapse it, groceries spilling out of the van, tears in her eyes (not that this has ever happened to me yeah right)...

it's much kinder to simply smile, lend a hand, put a grocery bag in the trunk,

than it is to say "i'd kill myself if i was you".

true story. that's been said to me several times.

trial and error have taught me that the best response is a smile. and something like "i am one lucky girl".

usually that works. in the case of the people that have said they'd kill themselves, i'm usually so taken aback i stop and say "why?".

and they say something like "four girls? and twins? and a husband that is always gone? i'd die". and i get they are trying to connect. but that ain't the way to do it.

i truly feel that i am married to my hero. and i have four HEALTHY children. it's a gift.

i know it's not for everyone. it's certainly not a path i thought i'd ever be on! but i'm on it, baby! and determined to take this path with a smile.

and some day tears. true story. but mostly smiles.

also, another thing that works is sadie saying something totally inappropriate at these times. last time she randomly said something about poop. which i would normally frown upon...but it just worked at that moment.

HA!

hope your day is gorgeous!

xo

s